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11/11/2004 c1 4Eviltwin101
What to say...um...i don't want to be the first to tell you that this is well...honestly... horrendous. Your problem not only lies in your grammar but your writing is in general poor. You tell us when you should be showing us. ex. "A girl broke through the window and started fighting the hooded men..." When you should have put something along the lines of..." A loud crash jerked my attention from the hooded figure ahead, and to a girlish figure bursting through a pane of glass set into the walls of the building." the sentence goes on to say that the girl's friends also come in, how does she know that they are her friends? Unless she knows the girl that came in through the window, then how would she know that they are her friends, you should have said something along the lines of " simultaneously, more figures perhaps accomplices of the unknown girl onstage that was currently engrossed in throwing punch after punch after the hooded figure, entered the room through the double doors of the main entrance." you could even go on to say as far as each blow the girl threw meeting their mark with wet cracks." Furthermore, where is the main character, a club I supposed, tell us and describe it. The apartment scene is poorly written also, the main character has practically no emotions whatsoever throughout the story, the apartment scene is an excellent example at this, she shows no fear at having someone in her apartment, you make no mention of what she is feeling about having someone in the house, yeah she's weary, great but in order for us to care about her we need emotions, to make us care you should put something in about her feelings maybe saying something like " fear captivated my body, holding every muscle, every ligament in Byzantine anticipation, shivers practically rocking my body, cold sweat beginning bud on my forehead." or you could go the fearless route..." I stood captivated in not terror but odd fascination at the figure before me, waiting for his next move. I took in every move he made, studying him closely." The apartment also needs more work though your descriptions are seriously lacking. So he's a hooded figure, boring and not to mention bland... show us make us see him in out mind... maybe you could say... the sexless figure before me stood solidly with it's at least 6 foot frame a black cloak concealing everything but the outline of it's thick shoulders and it's exposed ageless hands, it's right hand clutched a gleaming switchblade. " it's just a thought you don't have to go with anything that I say, and I most certainly have most of your character models wrong and not the way you are seeing them but this story while it's premise is intriguing needs life, and it needs description mainly secondly it needs to fill the plot holes and last the grammar fixed. As it stands now it is seriously lacking in most departments...it feels forced that i should like it... reading this as it is was about as entertaining as watching a sinking school bus full of children... work on those areas and this can be a great story. And most of those reviews are prolly sympathy reviews rather than telling you what you needed to hear they opt rather to tell you that it needs work...I’m sorry that i had to be practically the first one to call this bad but if i don't you'll just get torn to bits later down the road by the far more crueler people on here.
6/23/2004 c1 39Lestette
Um, I'm not sure what to say really... I don't really like it though. Aside from the gramatical boo boo (which we all make so I'll ignore that) it just wasn't that great. You have run-on sentences "A girl broke through the window and started fighting the hooded men her friends broke through the door and started to fight the other hooded men, everyone got out as fast as they could the Master hooded man put a spell on them
except for me I blocked it with me necklace" That is an unneeded long sentence. Your wording could use a little work and your sentence structure too. I write this not to insult but to educate and hope you will not take it as an insult. I just thought I should say what I thought instead of simply writing "I didn't like it" or "It was good" like most people do. Anyways, continue to write but take more time and put more effort into it. You will notice good results.
6/12/2004 c1 7Samara Morgan-Ring
A bit rushed with alot of run ons, but other than that, This is a sick, kick-ass beginning, your on my faves.
7/26/2001 c1 creeper
a great story why don't you continue?
5/19/2001 c1 Rosa
Wow, this story is very well detailed. From what I've read here, it kept me interested, so when you get the next part done, I wanna read it since this one left me wanting for more. I just love vampire stories. Once again, very cool.
5/19/2001 c1 anna
very imaginative. good choice of words. like the ageless hand thing.
3/12/2001 c1 1TK
Coolies... ^^
1/7/2001 c1 Ghetto Girl
Damn..freaked me out!
1/3/2001 c1 5graciestars321
YeahYeahYeah! I like this lots! =) We need to write more!
1/3/2001 c1 17roboMATTic

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