for Murderer6/7/2004 c2 Caitlin
I think most of your writing itself is fine, but the subject matter gives me some pause. First - Cassie is just waay too much like you. If I didn't know you I'd still get the impression that this was essentially about you because everything on here seems to be "crazy romance with young girl and older man". I think you might want to put these stories on hold for a bit. Try writing about relationships that are other than romantic in order to separate yourself from your characters first and then get back to romance. Start out with writing about people in love who are not like you and not your age. THEN, if you still want to, write about girls your age.
And, just a recap - This chick is 15, abused and depressed. She heads to the forest and feels an unexplainable connection with a crazy looking hobo she thinks might be a criminal. She goes off to his love shack and they hang out and smoke a few fags. She thinks more about making him like her than she does about the fact that he is a big suspicious hobo who behaves as if he is on the run from something...am I getting this right?
I think most of your writing itself is fine, but the subject matter gives me some pause. First - Cassie is just waay too much like you. If I didn't know you I'd still get the impression that this was essentially about you because everything on here seems to be "crazy romance with young girl and older man". I think you might want to put these stories on hold for a bit. Try writing about relationships that are other than romantic in order to separate yourself from your characters first and then get back to romance. Start out with writing about people in love who are not like you and not your age. THEN, if you still want to, write about girls your age.
And, just a recap - This chick is 15, abused and depressed. She heads to the forest and feels an unexplainable connection with a crazy looking hobo she thinks might be a criminal. She goes off to his love shack and they hang out and smoke a few fags. She thinks more about making him like her than she does about the fact that he is a big suspicious hobo who behaves as if he is on the run from something...am I getting this right?
6/6/2004 c1 Emma
Okey-doke-I'm going to give you my impressions as I read, doll, so here we go.
"Be limitless with me?" Not bad. Is it a lyric?
No comma after 'but' in "But, there was no way..."
I like this paragraph up until the last line-it's telling, not showing. Plus, it's switching the narrator from Cassie's POV to Omniscient POV. Which is bad. The next paragraph is Omniscient, too, so pick one POV and stick with it for the story.
I like the line "whoever she psychically sent an invitation to"- it gives me a clear image of her state of mind.
"Drunken, abusive parents"? Oh, come on. Tone it down a bit. I really like Cassie but you're imposing a bit of melodrama on her life which she doesn't need. I can easily see this character reacting the same way to merely inattentive, or generally angry parents-you don't need to make them abusive.
"She began twisting a lock of her hair in thought, saw it, and gave it a disgusted look." I LOVE. This is a very perfect pic of Cassie.
Wait, she's got black hair and is "voluptous"? Darling, she's sounding a little too much like you. Careful here.
She's fifteen, and she's not scared of being murdered or raped? What's WRONG with her? That is, right there, the flaw in your story. I mean, wouldn't you be kinda nervous when walking, alone, in Golden Gate Park, at night? Maybe she can be both scared and intrigued, but I'm feeling very strongly that she'd be scared a little at least.
And then you keep *asserting* it. "Cassie's not scared, she wasn't really scared..." it's sounding like denial. Which actually is more accurate, but I don't *think* that's what you were going for.
How did she know he was "one of these infamous criminals"?
OK! Overall, intriguing but needs work.
Okey-doke-I'm going to give you my impressions as I read, doll, so here we go.
"Be limitless with me?" Not bad. Is it a lyric?
No comma after 'but' in "But, there was no way..."
I like this paragraph up until the last line-it's telling, not showing. Plus, it's switching the narrator from Cassie's POV to Omniscient POV. Which is bad. The next paragraph is Omniscient, too, so pick one POV and stick with it for the story.
I like the line "whoever she psychically sent an invitation to"- it gives me a clear image of her state of mind.
"Drunken, abusive parents"? Oh, come on. Tone it down a bit. I really like Cassie but you're imposing a bit of melodrama on her life which she doesn't need. I can easily see this character reacting the same way to merely inattentive, or generally angry parents-you don't need to make them abusive.
"She began twisting a lock of her hair in thought, saw it, and gave it a disgusted look." I LOVE. This is a very perfect pic of Cassie.
Wait, she's got black hair and is "voluptous"? Darling, she's sounding a little too much like you. Careful here.
She's fifteen, and she's not scared of being murdered or raped? What's WRONG with her? That is, right there, the flaw in your story. I mean, wouldn't you be kinda nervous when walking, alone, in Golden Gate Park, at night? Maybe she can be both scared and intrigued, but I'm feeling very strongly that she'd be scared a little at least.
And then you keep *asserting* it. "Cassie's not scared, she wasn't really scared..." it's sounding like denial. Which actually is more accurate, but I don't *think* that's what you were going for.
How did she know he was "one of these infamous criminals"?
OK! Overall, intriguing but needs work.