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12/2/2005 c3 2Della C
I do love me some atypical fantasy, but so far it doesn't seem all that much. Keep writing it, I guess.

To make it more so, I recommend updating your language. Don't write like you're ages ago, that just makes it hard to slog through your words. And remember: Good fantasy shouldn't READ like fantasy. Don't refer to him as the Jester. Give him a name. Something woefully mundane, like "Jim" or "Steve." That tends to shock the reader out of their Fantasy Stupor.

also, back down on the drama. Dramatize ONLY the things that are really worth dramatizing. Melodrama = boring. ALWAYS.

"ye" = archaic typesetting form of "the." Blame the celts. It's pronounced "the."

Cut the entire second chapter. It's totally superfluous. Take the necessary info and stick it into the first and third chapters and you'll be golden.

My favorite part was the meeting with the Future Self. Asshole apparitions make me happy.

You have the skeleton of a good story. A beginning. I'm sure once you start fleshing it out it'll rock. Just remember: REVISION = LIFE.

rock.
6/4/2005 c3 bonnie
i enjoyed the story but the prophet thing confused me.
2/17/2005 c3 4Nightmare Alley
This does seem truely novel-worthy, though (and don't take this the wrong way or anything) I would rather the chapters be longer, and the whole conversation with the jester's...self (?) was very confusing. I liked this, and the originality, however, and I would like to see you continue.
6/17/2004 c1 Eyes Of Smoke
cool! i liked it!

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