Just In
for That Girl

4/15/2005 c1 38Aneliz Rei
This piece is not as strong as the last I reviewed. Firstly, the description of the girl is a bit...for lack of a more descriptive word, "cliché" (I hate that word-somehow I feel it tells you nothing). Even so, I feel it appropriate. I do not say this because of the blond hair, blue-eyed combo, but rather because of the way it is put, "pretty blond hair and eyes so blue", it is frankly at bit trite. Tell us more about the girl than her hair, and her eyes, somewhat flatly described here, and tell us WHY she stirred your heart so. My second comment would be that the rhyme seems forced, as evidenced by your use of the word, "ken". Does it mean "understand"? Yes, but it's terribly 19th century, and so would perhaps be more appropriate in a poem which befits that tone. And what do phrases like "your life is a rent" actually mean? I feel that in your eagerness to complete the rhyme, the meaning has been lost. (Not in the, oh, this is an abstract poem way, but rather a, oh, this is a nonsensical sentence way).

Any poem, any subject can be breathtaking, and I'm sure you have the tools to make it so. But in order to do that, you must better convey your sentiments, give reasons behind your emotions, or otherwise provide justification for them. Make the reader FEEL something, and you have been sucessful.

Peace, Isa

p.s. Please do not equate "weak" with "bad"; I know that I used to do so, and I also know that such criticisms helped me to become a better writer.
6/20/2004 c1 9Strawberry Stardust
It was quite odd to wake up this morning to find I had so many reviews. You must have really been asleep to put up with all that. You even happened to COMPLIMENT some of my work, which leads me to believe a)you weren't fully awake b)you were being cruel and sarcastic or c)you're actually a squirrel-man who is training for NASA. Please do let me know which one it is.
Quite freaky. I just posted something I wrote a while ago called "This Girl". This girl, that girl, any girl. *shrug* indeed.
Wow. This is just rambling. I will try much harder on the next review. Yes I will.
6/18/2004 c1 Amora
Woah. Great job. I luv how you rhyme this and it has a pattern. Now my question is, who did u write this about? It's totally awesome and i want to know where u got the idea. Keep writing. Luv always
6/18/2004 c1 Silver-Eyes24
it was very good!i liked it!

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