Just In
for Excerpt from a novel in progress

11/23/2004 c1 Alien Wing Wong
1. Nipples are interesting to look at. Not so interesting to read about.

2. Evidently this is a story about a place where people don't talk.

3. "Conversational narrative" is one of the most boring styles to read. Ever.

4. "Boredom set in so long ago that he has reached a new phase of bored existance, a level of pure stupification unknown by all but the most puerile of modern day slackers."

Eh...since you brought it up...
6/21/2004 c1 2The Alien from Uranus
Okay, a little *too* well described here. You have too many run-on sentences and correct sentences that are unecessarily long. I like that you have over-all fair grammar, but the excessively long sentences kill me. Please, please, please space you paragraphs! The enormous block of text can look rather intimidating to the average reader. You did a little overkill on the description of the woman's nipples. What exactly is this story about, anyway? A heat wave or something?
Anyway, I think it was your plain and simple "summary" that lured me here. Any nut (no offense) that's willing to put "Moo" as the summary of a story (in my opinion) ought to have equally strange, yet interesting, story.
I hope to see your next chapter-with shorter sentences-soon.
~Straight from Uranus~
6/20/2004 c1 5M.P. Solo
It's an interesting piece, but if there's one thing that'll kill you here (and I know this from personal experience), it's the detail. There's too much exposition, and the reader winds up having to trudge through a lot of information that, while sometimes interesting, isn't necessary. I would recommend trying to be more concise in some of your descriptions, and try not to beat around the bush so much before getting into the real story. Other than that, this excerpt looks promising, so keep it up!

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