for Not for Me4/29/2013 c30 Dominique Diane
I swear I cried like you have no idea at Andrew's dead (and funeral when her brother hold her hand!) it was so sad, and the way she felt was so similar at the situation that I used to be that I cried (again) and more than one time I thought that she was to suicided :/ Awesome story!
Regards,
Diane Potter.
I swear I cried like you have no idea at Andrew's dead (and funeral when her brother hold her hand!) it was so sad, and the way she felt was so similar at the situation that I used to be that I cried (again) and more than one time I thought that she was to suicided :/ Awesome story!
Regards,
Diane Potter.
4/14/2013 c1 
7Kaitlyn.Marie
My critique: Do remember that this is just my opinion. I'm a fellow writer who would love to find critiques in my reviews. Please don't take offense to anything, I just want to help.
1. Glamorous in your first line is spelled wrong.
2. If it were me, I would change the opening line to the very first sentence. Move the second sentence into the second paragraph. With "Hence the kid ends up...", I would delete 'hence the' and just say "kids end up clueless and naive." Start a new paragraph after that sentence.
3. Paragraph 3, I wouldn't start it with "okay". It takes away from the statement. You could try "So, the reality is this:" instead, but 'okay' takes away from the adult-ness of the writing style.
4. I would delete 'this story', in the sentence "Well, all I have to say is..." They feel like extra words.
5. You don't need to underline or italicize "Please" in your last sentence, especially if you're going to publish.
My thoughts:
I love the way you narrate this intro, and am curious to see if you change to 3rd person for the rest of the story. I've seen published novels do this, and the books I have read this way have always captured my attention by pulling me in with their first person short little intro. Just as you have. :)
Also, the way you capture the reader's attention by revealing just enough of the coming situation, the secret, is amazing. Amazing job. I'll definitely be reading the rest.
7Kaitlyn.MarieMy critique: Do remember that this is just my opinion. I'm a fellow writer who would love to find critiques in my reviews. Please don't take offense to anything, I just want to help.
1. Glamorous in your first line is spelled wrong.
2. If it were me, I would change the opening line to the very first sentence. Move the second sentence into the second paragraph. With "Hence the kid ends up...", I would delete 'hence the' and just say "kids end up clueless and naive." Start a new paragraph after that sentence.
3. Paragraph 3, I wouldn't start it with "okay". It takes away from the statement. You could try "So, the reality is this:" instead, but 'okay' takes away from the adult-ness of the writing style.
4. I would delete 'this story', in the sentence "Well, all I have to say is..." They feel like extra words.
5. You don't need to underline or italicize "Please" in your last sentence, especially if you're going to publish.
My thoughts:
I love the way you narrate this intro, and am curious to see if you change to 3rd person for the rest of the story. I've seen published novels do this, and the books I have read this way have always captured my attention by pulling me in with their first person short little intro. Just as you have. :)
Also, the way you capture the reader's attention by revealing just enough of the coming situation, the secret, is amazing. Amazing job. I'll definitely be reading the rest.
3/30/2013 c1 PinkPastaPianoGal
I love it already! It is so...realistic and paints such a good image and thoughts in my head!
I love it already! It is so...realistic and paints such a good image and thoughts in my head!
3/23/2013 c30 sarai
This story wz nice. I wudnt have minded if it had the cliche'd ending tho. :-(
I kinda feel like u got tired of it in the end.
But anyway, I'm a fan of happy endings & ths jst made me sad.
This story wz nice. I wudnt have minded if it had the cliche'd ending tho. :-(
I kinda feel like u got tired of it in the end.
But anyway, I'm a fan of happy endings & ths jst made me sad.
3/14/2013 c30 Guest
I am sorry to say that I did not particularly like this story.. It was to sad and made me depressed for like a week... And I was also disappointed that Dave and Lexia didn't get together :(
I am sorry to say that I did not particularly like this story.. It was to sad and made me depressed for like a week... And I was also disappointed that Dave and Lexia didn't get together :(
3/9/2013 c30 4DragonSecretKeeper
Bravo! Amazing story on the last two chapters I literally bawled my eyes out. And I think you made the right desicion on not writing a sequel. The story might lose its I don't know-essence if you did so and it would be hard for your really faithful readers to let go.
I just want to say the ending wasn't good or bad. It was actually alright and gave a sense of hop that they will meet again in the future.
4DragonSecretKeeperBravo! Amazing story on the last two chapters I literally bawled my eyes out. And I think you made the right desicion on not writing a sequel. The story might lose its I don't know-essence if you did so and it would be hard for your really faithful readers to let go.
I just want to say the ending wasn't good or bad. It was actually alright and gave a sense of hop that they will meet again in the future.
2/17/2013 c30 xnowherefastx
I just want to say thank you for ripping open my chest, brutally tearing out my soul, and stomping on it to ashes. I really appreciate it.
I just want to say thank you for ripping open my chest, brutally tearing out my soul, and stomping on it to ashes. I really appreciate it.
2/13/2013 c30 ant0006
Whoa. I've just read the entirety of this story, and I have to say, it was amazing. It was really good, but the way it ended annoyed me slightly. I didn't mind it not being completely tied up, but it didn't feel complete because of Carson, and his confession at the end.
Also, I think I remember in an authors note you saying that nobody died. Just saying.
But overall, I loved this story, it was great. :)
Whoa. I've just read the entirety of this story, and I have to say, it was amazing. It was really good, but the way it ended annoyed me slightly. I didn't mind it not being completely tied up, but it didn't feel complete because of Carson, and his confession at the end.
Also, I think I remember in an authors note you saying that nobody died. Just saying.
But overall, I loved this story, it was great. :)
1/30/2013 c1 NothingMoreThanLife123
Well, isn't she a bundle of joy? I don't like cynical people, just don't. But I'll keep reading.
Well, isn't she a bundle of joy? I don't like cynical people, just don't. But I'll keep reading.
1/29/2013 c30 DeadGirlSleeping
I hate that this story has ended :( But you are a fantastic writer and this story is the best I've read in a long time. I was surprised on the ending, it's bittersweet.
I hate that this story has ended :( But you are a fantastic writer and this story is the best I've read in a long time. I was surprised on the ending, it's bittersweet.
1/26/2013 c30 Lily is Wholocked
Why would you do that? I know I am a very very late reviewer! But... I just started to read fictionpress while I have been on ... Whatever it is... The story was sooo beautiful... I cried... sobbed! But why why did it have to end like that? Your story gave a realistic touch.. to show life doesnot always end perfectly! Just a compliment for an epic story... Just curious- is anything ever going to happen between Lexia and Dave?
Why would you do that? I know I am a very very late reviewer! But... I just started to read fictionpress while I have been on ... Whatever it is... The story was sooo beautiful... I cried... sobbed! But why why did it have to end like that? Your story gave a realistic touch.. to show life doesnot always end perfectly! Just a compliment for an epic story... Just curious- is anything ever going to happen between Lexia and Dave?
1/24/2013 c16 xoxo S1
I dont have a fictionpress account so I don't usually review story because the author isn't able to respond but I really wanted to review this chapter because I really like your story. I've read a lot of stories both on here and on fanfiction and I've never read a story written in this format. I love it! I decided that I will review this chapter because I feel like it is a vital chapter because of the change she is going through. I wont lie I also wanted to know who the creepy person in the park was and what the reason for Andrew's move was :P (IDK if you reveal these later in the story but I really want to know). Great story, you have a talent for writing!
xoxo,
S
I dont have a fictionpress account so I don't usually review story because the author isn't able to respond but I really wanted to review this chapter because I really like your story. I've read a lot of stories both on here and on fanfiction and I've never read a story written in this format. I love it! I decided that I will review this chapter because I feel like it is a vital chapter because of the change she is going through. I wont lie I also wanted to know who the creepy person in the park was and what the reason for Andrew's move was :P (IDK if you reveal these later in the story but I really want to know). Great story, you have a talent for writing!
xoxo,
S
1/16/2013 c30 rose5936
im gunna be completely honest..I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THAT YOU KILLED ANDREW. I ALSO HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THAT ALEXIA AND DAVE DIDNT GET TOGETHER. And i promise you that i am telling the complete and utter truth when i say i cried so damn much to the point where my eyes were swollen when i read this..i had to take the laptop up to my room and read it becuase i couldnt stop crying! This is the first ever story that ive cried to and fell kinda bad cos i swore ide never cry whilst reading a book..guess thats not true huh?! Anyway even though i HATE the ending!...your a pretty amazing author...but it sucks to say that i wont..CANT..cant read anymore of your stores incase they have a sad ending too and i WONT cry again! Anyway great story..one of my favourite (and saddest) that ive read on FP :)
im gunna be completely honest..I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THAT YOU KILLED ANDREW. I ALSO HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THAT ALEXIA AND DAVE DIDNT GET TOGETHER. And i promise you that i am telling the complete and utter truth when i say i cried so damn much to the point where my eyes were swollen when i read this..i had to take the laptop up to my room and read it becuase i couldnt stop crying! This is the first ever story that ive cried to and fell kinda bad cos i swore ide never cry whilst reading a book..guess thats not true huh?! Anyway even though i HATE the ending!...your a pretty amazing author...but it sucks to say that i wont..CANT..cant read anymore of your stores incase they have a sad ending too and i WONT cry again! Anyway great story..one of my favourite (and saddest) that ive read on FP :)
1/15/2013 c30 3The Beauty of Lies
I didnt expect this ending, but it hurt. I mean it really really hurt... Lexia reminds me of myself, when my cousin died. I was never so soft spoken, or innocent and sweet... But all the other things she is, like smart, a bit weird, a reader and sometimes, very closed off from the world... Those are things I relate to and Im sure, many readers can as well. Its sort of like the whole point of the story was to imitate life, in its surprises and unintended cruelty. Im not much for the cliches, and when I read the third chapter I seriously debated putting this story down, but I couldnt and im glad i didnt. Thank you for posting this story, thinking it up and breathing life to your characters, because i just know it had to have hurt you as much as it did your readers to lose one... Its what makes writing special, I guess. Im almost afraid to find a sequel, but Im going to look through your profile, because I am hoping you have made other works, since i really liked this one. :]
3The Beauty of LiesI didnt expect this ending, but it hurt. I mean it really really hurt... Lexia reminds me of myself, when my cousin died. I was never so soft spoken, or innocent and sweet... But all the other things she is, like smart, a bit weird, a reader and sometimes, very closed off from the world... Those are things I relate to and Im sure, many readers can as well. Its sort of like the whole point of the story was to imitate life, in its surprises and unintended cruelty. Im not much for the cliches, and when I read the third chapter I seriously debated putting this story down, but I couldnt and im glad i didnt. Thank you for posting this story, thinking it up and breathing life to your characters, because i just know it had to have hurt you as much as it did your readers to lose one... Its what makes writing special, I guess. Im almost afraid to find a sequel, but Im going to look through your profile, because I am hoping you have made other works, since i really liked this one. :]