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8/14/2004 c1 12Rubicon
Ooh... lovely. The imagery in this poem (song?) is so solid. i like this because the repetition throws the reader into the 'beat' of the poem-for some reason, it makes me think of Malice Mizer's "Illuminati", not necessarily in theme but in attitude. i like the lines in Japanese because they do more to set the scene; the end lines ('you and i together-in the moonlight') are clever because they bind the entire poem together. i find it curious that your narrator is male, or masculine (boku), just because i guess the voice i hear reading this is androgynous. Cheers!
6/23/2004 c1 43To The Limit
Since there is no concrete rhyme scheme, the flow of the piece would depend entirely on the delivery. Only one minor mistake with grammar that I saw, with the line "You’re always looking for new high." Should there be an 'a' before high? Overall, it's hard for me to get this flowing properly in my head, but that could just be the fact that it's on paper. Or the fact that I don't know Japanese ;;. I like the progression of the chorus, a bit of a twist each time. Also, the "Hands dyed in blood" line is very nice after the lust/vampire imagery. The only other thing that I had a problem with was the "my adoration / my salvation" lines, because the meter isn't the same. Perhaps the second line could be rewritten as "This kiss, your blood is my salvation"? Blah, hopefully this was at least somewhat helpful.

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