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11/24/2005 c1 10dvd7936
I am going to be perhaps excessivly honest. I have not slept much and am currently ill. Therefore any thoughts I have on this may seem totally out of wack. Appoligies. I am unable to understand, likely my fault entirely. I understand the first few lines. After leave and go it gets hazy. What *I think* you mean is that as the person is leaving, (or in what little time they spend with you,) they treat you as a different sort of person than who you are. The actions based on these misconceptions (hugs ect) are the physical manifestations of their fake view of you, which prevent you from being open with them. Prevent you from trusting them.But it seems to take off in a new direction in the last few lines. It seems here the other person is leading you on by their actions, (the hugs) then leaving you,-wishing that they were more. It is hard for me to reconcile the two parts of the piece. ( I know how crazy this might sound to you, because you at one time felt the emotions of the poem and to you they seem more than clear, they were (judging by the date) real, but never the less) The only way they might fit together in my mind is if the hugs and smiles force the trust BACK INTO the relationship instead of shoving it away... if this is the case. Nevermind the earlier part, this is the truth isn't it? Moving on, The first few lines about special and sweet, you do not ever prove you are not sweet as far as I can tell. You might insert a line or two after how much it hurts you about the revengence you wish to take (or something like that) to show how wrong the other person is about you. Or end it with something bitter. Because all you show right now is hope, pain, and hopeless romanticism. All of those are very sweet innocent emotions. Get evil and mean if you want to prove how wrong he ( i assume he) is. The title needs to change as you saw. (unless you make some of the changes I receomended above, then it can stay as is.) If you are gonna keep the body of it... I really dont know. It is hard for to grasp any one emotion that shines clear above the rest for a title which could serve as an emotional summery, but if you can find one you could use that, or try to tie the title in with the last line, so itdoesnt make sense until after the poem. Like "Tears behind closed doors" or something. Therefore at the end the audience would know you were crying, and why.

Well those are my thoughts in my sorry, sick, tired, state of affairs. Happy Thanksgiving.

PS any works you want me to look at more than others? They all rank about the same for my stuff. And for the receord I am horrible at grammer, it is my curse.
6/25/2004 c1 23paradigmMM23
I realy like this. I like the lines "You hurt me so much with your smile and hugs" Um a title? Maybe you could call it What do you know? Sorry I'm not much help, I'm bad with titles.

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