for Alone1/11/2009 c2 
3Mercyette
You have a pretty interesting start here. I really liked how the story just jumped into the plot, which is something that I'm not known for. :P The ending of the chapter was very catchy as well.
The formatting of the words was a little difficult to read, but that could also be FictionPress's fault, as formatting is a nightmare on here. It's something that can be looked over before submitting chapters, so it's not too big a deal.
3MercyetteYou have a pretty interesting start here. I really liked how the story just jumped into the plot, which is something that I'm not known for. :P The ending of the chapter was very catchy as well.
The formatting of the words was a little difficult to read, but that could also be FictionPress's fault, as formatting is a nightmare on here. It's something that can be looked over before submitting chapters, so it's not too big a deal.
4/15/2005 c3 13Ann Elizabeth
Try and make your readers a part of your characters. Get them inside the characters head, put them in the room with the characters. Sometimes not being so straight forward is a good thing. Think of it as a journey, take the reader on that journey...it's no fun to just go straight to your destination, is it? But I do love the plot turn. Like I said, this sort of plot has a lot going for it...just open it up...revise your chapters...describe things as you see them so that readers can see it too.
13Ann ElizabethTry and make your readers a part of your characters. Get them inside the characters head, put them in the room with the characters. Sometimes not being so straight forward is a good thing. Think of it as a journey, take the reader on that journey...it's no fun to just go straight to your destination, is it? But I do love the plot turn. Like I said, this sort of plot has a lot going for it...just open it up...revise your chapters...describe things as you see them so that readers can see it too.
4/15/2005 c2 Ann Elizabeth
Same as the first chapter...try some bodily descriptions. What Alex has now is all that she sees because she doesn't have any memory...lead the readers along with what Alex sees and thinks and feels, along with that of other characters I'm sure.You're a great writer, keep it up, don't be afraid of long chapters, haha.
Same as the first chapter...try some bodily descriptions. What Alex has now is all that she sees because she doesn't have any memory...lead the readers along with what Alex sees and thinks and feels, along with that of other characters I'm sure.You're a great writer, keep it up, don't be afraid of long chapters, haha.
4/15/2005 c1 Ann Elizabeth
Thank you for your review.This is very, very interesting. I can't stop reading it, actually. The plot is amazing! One thing I'd like to suggest though. It seems as if you're rushing through it though. Like if I were reading a book and I just skimmed over the details, that's what it sounds like. You have a few run on sentences you might want to fix and...don't be afraid to add in detail. Like, what happened to her family, what did she feel then compared to how she felt now, what are all the thoughts that are going through her mind? Think of if you had just lost everything you loved. It doesn't make it boring, if you write it with as much talent as you've already shown then it will only enhance your story.Good luck in your revisions and the rest of your writing.
Thank you for your review.This is very, very interesting. I can't stop reading it, actually. The plot is amazing! One thing I'd like to suggest though. It seems as if you're rushing through it though. Like if I were reading a book and I just skimmed over the details, that's what it sounds like. You have a few run on sentences you might want to fix and...don't be afraid to add in detail. Like, what happened to her family, what did she feel then compared to how she felt now, what are all the thoughts that are going through her mind? Think of if you had just lost everything you loved. It doesn't make it boring, if you write it with as much talent as you've already shown then it will only enhance your story.Good luck in your revisions and the rest of your writing.
3/19/2005 c3 1SomeCowgirl
Well I can't be like a all the time available beta, but if your still interested I could sort of clean the chapters up that you have so they don't seem so run on?
1SomeCowgirlWell I can't be like a all the time available beta, but if your still interested I could sort of clean the chapters up that you have so they don't seem so run on?
3/19/2005 c1 SomeCowgirl
Nice. I can't really say much because this is just the prolo. Except your names changed. The stepsister was first called Beth and then Alice.
Nice. I can't really say much because this is just the prolo. Except your names changed. The stepsister was first called Beth and then Alice.
7/2/2004 c2 3jester on the sideline
This chapter seemed like it was lacking somthing. It sort of felt like you were rushing through it. I think you could focus more on her emotions at this point. Imagine you just woke up not knowing who you are! But keep writing and I'll keep reading! :D
3jester on the sidelineThis chapter seemed like it was lacking somthing. It sort of felt like you were rushing through it. I think you could focus more on her emotions at this point. Imagine you just woke up not knowing who you are! But keep writing and I'll keep reading! :D
7/1/2004 c1 1CATs177
i think this sounds like a great story and u should update like now. please? alright well i like this story
~Carrie
1CATs177i think this sounds like a great story and u should update like now. please? alright well i like this story
~Carrie
7/1/2004 c1 12xillbeyourcupid
oh this is interesting so far! i like where you're taking this! please update soon!
12xillbeyourcupidoh this is interesting so far! i like where you're taking this! please update soon!
7/1/2004 c1 3jester on the sideline
I liked the summary so I started reading. You have a few mistakes, not many. I think it's interesting enough already, and this is just the first chapter. But why did she black out? How did her dad and siblings die? I know it's only the first chapter, and things will be explained later, but it is pretty vage (thats not how u spell it but w/e) I do think you should continue with this.
3jester on the sidelineI liked the summary so I started reading. You have a few mistakes, not many. I think it's interesting enough already, and this is just the first chapter. But why did she black out? How did her dad and siblings die? I know it's only the first chapter, and things will be explained later, but it is pretty vage (thats not how u spell it but w/e) I do think you should continue with this.