for Can I Panic Now?2/24/2006 c2 Chagan
Once again... don't ever type in caps. It even looks stupid in an online chat- in prose, it looks downright idiotic.
Again, the main trouble here is that it comes off more as disjointed thoughts than a proper narrative. Eg. - I don't see how the whole dog thing was at all significant except to show contempt of men, which would be much better pulled off in subtle actions later on, rather than simply declaring "I hate men!".
...Indians all look the same? Where?
Anyways, you're maintaining tense better now, save for a line here and there, so otherwise good stuff.
Once again... don't ever type in caps. It even looks stupid in an online chat- in prose, it looks downright idiotic.
Again, the main trouble here is that it comes off more as disjointed thoughts than a proper narrative. Eg. - I don't see how the whole dog thing was at all significant except to show contempt of men, which would be much better pulled off in subtle actions later on, rather than simply declaring "I hate men!".
...Indians all look the same? Where?
Anyways, you're maintaining tense better now, save for a line here and there, so otherwise good stuff.
2/24/2006 c1 Chagan
I'm going to start off with criticism (which I've become a little more brutal with over time, so don't think I'm trashing your story).
1) For the love of God don't start off with a *Green Day* quote. Makes it sound like a twelve-year-old's writing.
2) Don't type in caps. You can emphasize urgency in a sentence with an exclamation mark, or, by simply saying "she yelled".
3) On the subject of exclamation marks, dont use more than one after a sentence. Ever.
4) You're having trouble maintaining present tense. For the record, especially since this is in first person, don't use present tense if this is going to be a long story. Very difficult to maintain without droning.
5) A short, simple name to a very complicated person such as myself. - uneccesary.
6) Very a la Romeo and Juliet. - Cut "very"
Otherwise the dialogue is pretty natural (at least if I picture you saying it). Only thing is make the narrative flow more, its coming off as disjointed, like you're just throwing thoughts onto paper. Interesting to write, but not very interesting to read.
I'm going to start off with criticism (which I've become a little more brutal with over time, so don't think I'm trashing your story).
1) For the love of God don't start off with a *Green Day* quote. Makes it sound like a twelve-year-old's writing.
2) Don't type in caps. You can emphasize urgency in a sentence with an exclamation mark, or, by simply saying "she yelled".
3) On the subject of exclamation marks, dont use more than one after a sentence. Ever.
4) You're having trouble maintaining present tense. For the record, especially since this is in first person, don't use present tense if this is going to be a long story. Very difficult to maintain without droning.
5) A short, simple name to a very complicated person such as myself. - uneccesary.
6) Very a la Romeo and Juliet. - Cut "very"
Otherwise the dialogue is pretty natural (at least if I picture you saying it). Only thing is make the narrative flow more, its coming off as disjointed, like you're just throwing thoughts onto paper. Interesting to write, but not very interesting to read.
2/24/2006 c2 Bob n Kazzi
Good story line, good plot, and cool characters. Looking forward to an update.
Good story line, good plot, and cool characters. Looking forward to an update.
2/24/2006 c2 
4bex17
I really liked this! And don't worry, I have horrible insomnia. I usually don't sleep. I'm nocturnal. I do my sleeping in English class. My mom once put me on pills...Never take the pills, you get addicted, and then you spaz, and then you like...pass out. Forget me, anyway! Update soon because I really like this! So, is any of this actually true? I mean, are you basically the character?
4bex17I really liked this! And don't worry, I have horrible insomnia. I usually don't sleep. I'm nocturnal. I do my sleeping in English class. My mom once put me on pills...Never take the pills, you get addicted, and then you spaz, and then you like...pass out. Forget me, anyway! Update soon because I really like this! So, is any of this actually true? I mean, are you basically the character?
12/2/2005 c1 Kiki
Update! Great start you hve here. Nice :)
Update! Great start you hve here. Nice :)
11/30/2004 c1 16emerald raven
ok ok i totaly thought i'd reviewed this! it's really well written - like everything else you do - grr i am eternally jealous of you! anyway - rita sounds really cool - please please please please please please update soon!
luv n inspirational huggles
Emerald RavenX x X
16emerald ravenok ok i totaly thought i'd reviewed this! it's really well written - like everything else you do - grr i am eternally jealous of you! anyway - rita sounds really cool - please please please please please please update soon!
luv n inspirational huggles
Emerald RavenX x X
8/9/2004 c1 17Bob n Kazzi
I could have sworn I have reviewed this! Hey, are you ever going to update or email me again? Please do.
17Bob n KazziI could have sworn I have reviewed this! Hey, are you ever going to update or email me again? Please do.
7/10/2004 c1 8TopatoPotato
Nice story, I love the sarcastic thoughts of Rita, especially with the, "negotiations." It ends with, "You ain't seen nothing yet." and that's the problem, I haven't. Don't stop writing!
8TopatoPotatoNice story, I love the sarcastic thoughts of Rita, especially with the, "negotiations." It ends with, "You ain't seen nothing yet." and that's the problem, I haven't. Don't stop writing!