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9/22/2004 c15 2lirantha
Whew. You weren't kidding about the length of this last chapter! Thanks for the second comment, btw.
Right. So I'm a grammar freak, and I'll echo Ruatha's comments from much earlier: watch the run-on sentences, misplaced periods, some kind of marking for mental dialog, and spell-checking errors - particularly stuff like "moral" and "morale," which really changes the whole meaning of a sentence if the reader doesn't catch on.
On the story in general, there were a few plot holes or issues that went without resolution: Delilah's role, why Althea was confused at the beginning of the story (something to do with Leatha?), and the way Draven and Dervish seemed to know each other, for instance. Again, the plot is very interesting, if at times a little too briefly described. I occasionally felt as if there were logical holes between the situation and what the characters felt compelled to do about it. I'm thinking especially of some of the letters - the negotiations and the invitation - which stipulate things like "in public" and "all required to attend." (If I were the bad guy, I'd just arrange to have them all killed when they showed up, thus quickly and permanently solving matters.) I'd also watch word choice in describing dialog; often the characters' emotions don't seem to match what they're saying.
Again, the story is more plot-driven than character-driven. Your characters are primarily defined by their relationships with the main heroes/villains, with a few additional traits thrown in to explain slight differences in behavior or attitude. In a story of this length, I'd like to see more information about the characters' pasts, as well as some more detailed explanation of what all these semi-racial categories really imply. Relying on evocative words like 'demon' and 'elven' works to an extent, but leaves the reader wondering how much to rely on their own ideas of demons or elves rather than yours.
Enough with the critique, on with the praise. First of all, props for churning out this massive piece of work when you were 15 to 16 - nothing I ever set out to write in high school ever lasted this long, and even stuff I write now tends to trail off around the end of chapter two. :p Secondly, you have a wonderful eye for physical action and the perfect pace of writing for that action; particularly, the fight between Ares and Althea towards the beginning was excellent. The plot was complex, but for all of those wheels within wheels you mostly handled it well. I found myself entertained despite my grammatical fault-finding - good job! (And if you ever decide you'd like to have it a bit more polished in regards to grammar, I'd love to edit it for you. Such a good story shouldn't have mere issues of spelling and punctuation standing in the way of enjoyment!)
8/12/2004 c12 3The Child of The Potted Plant
A short chapter, but there were some parts in it I really liked, like where Althea has to fight not to bow to Artemisa.
8/12/2004 c11 The Child of The Potted Plant
Poor Althea! Ares makes me shudder, he's so evil!
8/12/2004 c10 The Child of The Potted Plant
Ah, very nice. I liked the chapter title.
8/12/2004 c9 The Child of The Potted Plant
Ooh. This Heaven character is interesting.
8/8/2004 c13 12Ben Wuest
I've got an idea! How about I read some of Lundi's 'books'! That'll surely stop my boredom! :D Hey Nev, thought you might be interested in knowing about my newly submitted book. ;) just in case you too get bored.
8/8/2004 c15 Ben Wuest
Wow! *claps his hands* This new, edited version is so much different from the original by maybe... ten characters! Encore! :D
Bored, can you tell?
8/1/2004 c2 3Legion of Might
I've only read to chapter 2, but so far I like it. I will read on when I can.
7/29/2004 c8 3The Child of The Potted Plant
Ooh. Now it's getting interesting!
7/29/2004 c7 The Child of The Potted Plant
I dunno whether I've already said this, but I think you'll get a lot more reviews if you allow anonymous reviews. Anyways, I liked the chapter, but that was evil of Angel to cut Althea’s connection to Ares off like that!
7/28/2004 c1 81daphnegray78
Ooh, nice intro. Great work!
~Daphne~
7/25/2004 c2 Shiko87
A good first chapter. The plotline seems interesting and I wonder why Althea seems to be two different people?
The only major thing is that one word was spelt wrong It should be 'seem' rather than 'seam'. Also there were a couple of run-on sentences. I began reading this story and the chapter was longer. Did you edit it? Anyway, good start and I'd like to read more.
7/25/2004 c6 3The Child of The Potted Plant
*Shivers* Angel seems like a nasty guy, certainly not one that you would want to meet in dark alleyway. Nice chapter though.
7/25/2004 c2 1Hungfester
#1 god said eye for an eye. i say ur story rocked
#2 lets take it into context shall we. its under the "about me" section. Now what should i put about me? oh, i know! ill put things put things about myself!*obvious sarcasm* think about that for a moment,i'm tellin about myself. And then i go on to say "though our family quantity would put us in middle class". Yes, its bragging to lower yourself.*more obvious sarcasm"
*starts choking*
sorry otter pop!
#3 LOL! ur story was so awesome. u should brag about urself. Lundi's child is gay.
so lets review some stuff
awesomeness Check
lundi's child is gay CHECK
ur the coolest writter on fp CHECK
Tries to diss a method of schooling proven to produce stupider anti-social beings. CHECK CHECK.
Wow Ludi's child is gay.
and #4*chokes on otter pop again* u rock
7/23/2004 c1 John
Wow. I read reviews before I read stories. Did that person really say that your eye is hers? Yikes... avoid that one. She is frightening.
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