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8/18/2004 c1 12Terra Tigra
Such beautiful words! I must say, I especially enjoyed the image I got from "Sand drips from my fingertips." I mean, wow, that was just a really great line.
I might suggest trying to make the ending a little more, um, specific? I think. Concrete, maybe? I just think that it seems to tapper off at the end a little. Maybe try to bring it back around to tie in with the first line, it can always help to bring it all together.
Really nice poem Whiro ;)
Arrivederci!
-Terra-
7/14/2004 c1 2W3DNESDAY
fingertips is one word.. but it could work as two, i guess
i suggest that you make the line "rapidly pooling" into "pooling rapidly"
and the line "desolate beach" did you mean to leave out the article?
how exactly can something be "caked carelessly"? change the adverb
other than the corrections i suggested the poem is really good! the imagery is great.. sand *shakes head.. i can't believe i haven't thought of that before. sand is perfect!
o, and on an overall note.. i think the poem would be improved with a bit of a reason for the narrator's depression
but very good.. umm an 7.4 on a scale of 1 to 10, lol
7/14/2004 c1 10marie alexandria
i think the word count is messed up cuz of all the line breaks. anyway, this poem had an interesting structure and flow and i really liked it :D

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