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for The Girl In White

6/21/2005 c1 30Weeba
Hey there. I think this is a pretty good story; the wording you use is powerful and moving, and your sense of timing and pacing is better than almost any I've seen on this site. You don't just tell the whole story in the first paragraph; two thumbs up for that.

However, I think you have a couple of grammar and typo issues. The typos aren't really a big thing, just go over it and look for them, but the grammar thing is probably going to put some people off. It almost put me off, but I decided the story was good enough. Anyway, you have an issue with comma splices. Many, many, many people do this, and it drives me insane, and I'm just optimistic enough to think I'm not the only one who notices, so: don't put two sentences together with a comma and no conjunction. There's a lot of controversy over some grammar issues of what's accepted and what isn't; I'm pretty sure comma splices are still considered incorrect. For instance: "She was refilling his coffee cup, but she put the pot down" is fine because you have the conjunction "but". However, "she put the pot down and looked up at him, something flickered in her eyes" isn't, because there's no conjunction after the comma.

Thought I'd give you a heads-up. Sorry if you already knew this and just didn't realize you were doing it, but I can never tell who's an idiot and who's just making a mistake.

Keep writing!

~Weeba~
3/31/2005 c1 132Pretty Peaceful
mthats really pretty. i am a little bit confused though. this will leave me thinking. its beaitful. really, its gorgeous. feel free to check out some of my stuff. :)
9/8/2004 c1 8MicStalker
Very good dude, another good one. I'm going to have to say that this was better than fight just because it has the feel of mystery about it. I don't know if this is a story you plan on extending from but it would be faily difficult to do without hurting it some. Good job.
8/16/2004 c1 1pianomaestra
Very spooky. I'm guessing this girl is trying to get back at the guy for killing her, or something like that? I like it, keep going. Just, some of the wording was a little confusing. You may want to look that over a bit. But it was great.

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