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for The City Lights

11/19/2019 c1 Usman khalil
The story is boring. I read alot of books in a day but none of this was boring. I looked at your site to find some information but I got disappointed. Really boring!
9/10/2004 c1 46Teenage Gypsy
Like this one. Know how it feels. To shange so much and be rejected so much as well
8/20/2004 c1 9Samantha Kensington
you said you wnated a lot of help so please don't take anything i say to be mean, jsut constructive critisism.
I really like the idea. You have a great basic plot.
tenses- you keep switching in and out of pas and present tense. i would recommend past. it's the easiest in my opinion to work with.
I would start your essay off a little differently. try something like "You can tell when it is night time in London, not by staring into the starry sky, but rather the river which mimics it." I'm jsut trying to say you need a stronger beginning with a clearer message.
Watch your punctuation grammar. The first sentence of the second paragraph is a runon. You might want to make use of the colon, as well ( : -that thing, lol)
"only the sounds of air vents and the burglar alarm’s beeping."- i think that could be a little stronger. try starting with "only the sound of the... could be heard"
second sentence, third paragraph- another runon
i would also reccomend keeping away from words like "being", it weakends a sentence. you should try to avoid "is, are, were, etc" and think alittle more on how you could strengthen that sentence by keeping away from "to be" words. if you can't- don't worry about it too much. I don't know what grade level you are at so someof this may be above you, lol. or below- i have no clue! lol
"It was the people from school, the ones who tortured and bullied her, the ones that called her fat, ugly."- another runon, lol. sorry- i'm picky. but i really am trying to help!
"The new shop showed the new girl not being able to change."- i'm not sure what exactly you are trying to say with this. you may want to rewrite it.
I can see what you are trying to do with it, but you may want to slow it down a bit. You could throw in more details with the bullies, maybe a flashback on an instance when they were mean to her? you also may want to describe what the girl actually looks like. I would also reccomend describing walking around the wall more, unless she is outside. i'm kind of confused on that. anyways, i really like the diea and your absic plot. i know i really picked it apart- but i you have a great base here, honest! lol. and li i said, i have no clue what your grade level is. i'm in Advanced Placement English 11 if that helps at all.
I hope i got this to you in time! Good luck revising!
7/29/2004 c1 83Pocket Protectors are Sexy
I like it. It's detailed, and has a good message. That no matter what you do, people won't change their opinions of you. Or something like that. It's good.
Sorry I didn't read "India" but this didn't have any reviews yet.

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