for In the Shadow of the Moon6/21/2006 c1 Mephistophelian
I'm so glad you reviewd me so that I could find this story...I love reading things like this! There aren't enough stories like this one on Fictionpress. This is a great first chapter, and I'm truly exited to see what happens in the next one. I'm going to move on to things that I think can be improved...please don't take this the wrong way! I just want to help you make this story live up to it's potential.
It might help if you described the characters a little. You don't need to go on for paragraph upon paragraph of physical description, but a rough idea really helps the story play out in the mind of the reader, and therefore draw them in.
Secondly, the 'two weeks later' break before the bottom three paragraphs...does it really need to be there? The story flows much better without those constant inturruptions. Perhaps, instead of just abruptly stating 'two weeks later', you could tack it onto the front of the next sentance: 'Two weeks later, Emerald was practically jumping with exitement..." Just a suggestion. Giving yourself a word limit is kind of restricting too, one thousand words doesn't leave a lot of room for development. It's nice as a target number, but not allowing yourself to go over might hinder you. If that's even the situation. If it isn't, disregard that whole rant, and my bad. :)
Please update soon...this one's going on my favorates.
-Mephistophelian
I'm so glad you reviewd me so that I could find this story...I love reading things like this! There aren't enough stories like this one on Fictionpress. This is a great first chapter, and I'm truly exited to see what happens in the next one. I'm going to move on to things that I think can be improved...please don't take this the wrong way! I just want to help you make this story live up to it's potential.
It might help if you described the characters a little. You don't need to go on for paragraph upon paragraph of physical description, but a rough idea really helps the story play out in the mind of the reader, and therefore draw them in.
Secondly, the 'two weeks later' break before the bottom three paragraphs...does it really need to be there? The story flows much better without those constant inturruptions. Perhaps, instead of just abruptly stating 'two weeks later', you could tack it onto the front of the next sentance: 'Two weeks later, Emerald was practically jumping with exitement..." Just a suggestion. Giving yourself a word limit is kind of restricting too, one thousand words doesn't leave a lot of room for development. It's nice as a target number, but not allowing yourself to go over might hinder you. If that's even the situation. If it isn't, disregard that whole rant, and my bad. :)
Please update soon...this one's going on my favorates.
-Mephistophelian
1/13/2006 c1 Random Person Who Is Supposed To Be Doing Schoolwork
Hey, this seems like it will be a very interesting story! (Of course, that is if you update. It's been a while, ne? Neh, I never update either, though. I hope you do~!)
Anyway, yeah. I don't what else to say.
Hey, this seems like it will be a very interesting story! (Of course, that is if you update. It's been a while, ne? Neh, I never update either, though. I hope you do~!)
Anyway, yeah. I don't what else to say.
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