for The Miran Chronicles: Miran's Hero12/20/2005 c2 
8Rozovian G
Well, it's quite good. I'll be back for more. A copuple of lines grabbed and confused me, though. "She couldn't not..." There's that about double negatives. I see the language humour in it, but it might need a bit of a rework. That's relaly the only one that stuck to mind. Don't remember naything else that might need reworking.
So, names good, story good, world good. The characters we've seen so far, aside from RIley, might need a little work so readers would know whether or not to get to know them as well. But hey, you better believe I'll be back for more of this. It's great.
8Rozovian GWell, it's quite good. I'll be back for more. A copuple of lines grabbed and confused me, though. "She couldn't not..." There's that about double negatives. I see the language humour in it, but it might need a bit of a rework. That's relaly the only one that stuck to mind. Don't remember naything else that might need reworking.
So, names good, story good, world good. The characters we've seen so far, aside from RIley, might need a little work so readers would know whether or not to get to know them as well. But hey, you better believe I'll be back for more of this. It's great.
3/18/2005 c4 55Lellida
*jumps up and down excitedly* I'M GETTING IT! WOHOO! Sorry it took so long to review: I've been quite busy. Love this chapter, and I love the way the story's playing out. The idea of Grant growing up really fast is a cool twist. Hope you update soon!
55Lellida*jumps up and down excitedly* I'M GETTING IT! WOHOO! Sorry it took so long to review: I've been quite busy. Love this chapter, and I love the way the story's playing out. The idea of Grant growing up really fast is a cool twist. Hope you update soon!
11/24/2004 c3 Lellida
Yay, eventful chapter and I think I'm getting the story a bit more! The three brothers confuse me, I can't keep them straight. But so far it is a very suspenseful and thrilling story.
Yay, eventful chapter and I think I'm getting the story a bit more! The three brothers confuse me, I can't keep them straight. But so far it is a very suspenseful and thrilling story.
11/21/2004 c2 5A.R.B
This is really creative! Very interesting too. One thing I found was that the prologue was a bit confusing, and not necessarily needed. The details of your world would be better if they were revealed throughout the text (as you did very well in the first chapter, what with milk-allergic babies and all) rather than all at once in a short prologue. Like - I noticed you read His Dark Materials - Pullman doesn't just come out and say "everyone has a daemon, which is a physical representation of thier soul"; instead this is revealed as you read, so that you better understand daemons and thier connections to thier humans. I realise that the prologue didn't reveal everything and there is still a distinct sense of mystery about this world of yours, but the suspense and wonder would be much heightened if we didn't know what Miran was, or couldn't guess, exactly, who Riley is, or didn't know that the Miranese are allergic to milk (which begs the question, why?)- again, much more effective if revealed through the course of the plot.Otherwise, very well done - and the prologue does serve to pique interest - but it's just something that struck me. I'll keep on reading. Keep up the good work!
5A.R.BThis is really creative! Very interesting too. One thing I found was that the prologue was a bit confusing, and not necessarily needed. The details of your world would be better if they were revealed throughout the text (as you did very well in the first chapter, what with milk-allergic babies and all) rather than all at once in a short prologue. Like - I noticed you read His Dark Materials - Pullman doesn't just come out and say "everyone has a daemon, which is a physical representation of thier soul"; instead this is revealed as you read, so that you better understand daemons and thier connections to thier humans. I realise that the prologue didn't reveal everything and there is still a distinct sense of mystery about this world of yours, but the suspense and wonder would be much heightened if we didn't know what Miran was, or couldn't guess, exactly, who Riley is, or didn't know that the Miranese are allergic to milk (which begs the question, why?)- again, much more effective if revealed through the course of the plot.Otherwise, very well done - and the prologue does serve to pique interest - but it's just something that struck me. I'll keep on reading. Keep up the good work!
8/23/2004 c2 55Lellida
Oh! I love Skittles!
*boing*
*boing*
Anyway, this story is getting really good! I love Riley's description, and the fact that she's actually going to listen to her mom. God, some heroines these days; go their own way and mess everything up. But so far it's really good. I'm adding this to favs! Keep it up!
55LellidaOh! I love Skittles!
*boing*
*boing*
Anyway, this story is getting really good! I love Riley's description, and the fact that she's actually going to listen to her mom. God, some heroines these days; go their own way and mess everything up. But so far it's really good. I'm adding this to favs! Keep it up!
8/20/2004 c2 31Shadow Gryphon
^_^ So, I really like it. Probably *very* confusing for Riley, but still very good.
I'll guess that the redhead would be a Manipulator? And that Riley's one of the Mirans, and that's why she can't have milk.
Can't wait for another chapter.
Gryph
31Shadow Gryphon^_^ So, I really like it. Probably *very* confusing for Riley, but still very good.
I'll guess that the redhead would be a Manipulator? And that Riley's one of the Mirans, and that's why she can't have milk.
Can't wait for another chapter.
Gryph
8/20/2004 c1 Shadow Gryphon
Hey! Sounds like coolness. Alternate world. Wicked. I'm guessing that magics are a rather genetic thing, then?
Longer review next chapter, ok?
Gryph
Hey! Sounds like coolness. Alternate world. Wicked. I'm guessing that magics are a rather genetic thing, then?
Longer review next chapter, ok?
Gryph
8/17/2004 c1 5Moon860
thx 4 reading my story!
the reviewin bit was a bonus!
with the golden compass thing, i haven't read it, tell me, is it REALLY similar to my story?
My brother has got the dark materials thing, i go read it now *reads*
Keep in touch
Moon860
5Moon860thx 4 reading my story!
the reviewin bit was a bonus!
with the golden compass thing, i haven't read it, tell me, is it REALLY similar to my story?
My brother has got the dark materials thing, i go read it now *reads*
Keep in touch
Moon860
8/16/2004 c1 55Lellida
Good and intruiging prologue so far. I like the description of this country, and it gives you the backround info while still wanting to know more. One thing: "mother of the next Manipulator" doesn't really sound impressive, and since you used manipulator a lot before it, it kind of takes away. Perhaps, the next hero or something. I hope that makes sense. Good story though!
55LellidaGood and intruiging prologue so far. I like the description of this country, and it gives you the backround info while still wanting to know more. One thing: "mother of the next Manipulator" doesn't really sound impressive, and since you used manipulator a lot before it, it kind of takes away. Perhaps, the next hero or something. I hope that makes sense. Good story though!