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9/1/2004 c4 10ibjuicen
Aw, o wells, it doesn't early matter. I know you wouldn't understand it. Well at least this chatper was better than the last one...^_^
Keep it going!
9/1/2004 c4 Fauve Lavonne
short but sweet. wish i could look like Courtney! Her outfit sounds perfect. I wonder what Simon's reaction is going to be...
love it!
8/31/2004 c3 ibjuicen
1) I want courtney to find out who Jon really is, a player.
2)ok I want her dress to be a dark midnight blue. The neckline is slanted a bit, one shoulder line is to be worn and a thicker shoulder line to complete that first shoulder. The other shoulder line is just strapped.
Um, you should have a flowery type of sequence in it making it all pretty and everything. The bottom of the dress should reach a little below her knees and its slanted of the opposite of the um uh neckline. I'd send you the um design if you want if you don't understand.
3) Favorite character=courtney
4) you made this chapter kinda boring
sorry :P but keep up the work!
8/30/2004 c1 groovychick04
great story! tats given me lots of ideas on how 2 improve my story! u descibed the characters v well, i sud do tat! lol maybe the chapter was a bit 2 long, i only got half way through it, but then decided id read enuf 2 know i like it!
8/30/2004 c3 Fauve Lavonne
nothin' wrong
8/30/2004 c2 Fauve Lavonne
I definitely prefere Simon, but i don't know what Courtney should say to Jon about the dance.
8/30/2004 c1 Fauve Lavonne
The chapter was a little bit long, but then again, you needed to describe everyone. The characters were described wonderfully! I'm not much of a writer myself, so i'm not going to tell you what to improve on, but i'm definitely hooked to your work!
8/21/2004 c2 1Malignant Spirit
B-E-A-utiful! lol Jim Carry Rox.. Love it mate! I prefer... *Drum roll plz*
SIMON! lol Jon sounds like a playboy... n e ways. I have a CORRECTION IN YOUR STORY! ok.. you know when you say "small hours of the morning"? its supposed to say "wee" instead of "small"... thats it for the mistakes...hm I feel bad for Simon... he should get with Courtney! ok well I must go and converse with the aliens that call themselves my "parents". Good Job and I am your faithful reviewer now... I love saying that...
Malignant~
8/20/2004 c2 really-bad-egg
o I hope simon and courtney hookup somehow! =D cant wait till the dance chappie, that ones going to be interesting! Omg u GOTTA update girl! Fast ya hear me much rapido! lolz great ficcie keep it up!
your,
Average everyday sane psycho
8/20/2004 c1 really-bas-egg
The main character sounds alot like you huh? ;) Oh yes and btw americans dont say mate, or bugger, so watch out for that. This story is good so far, i only read the first chappie ill review the second in a sec. Just a tip, when your intoducing characters try not to put so much of their physical appearance, what I'm saying is dont forget about their personnality. Thats all 4 now on to the next chappie! =D
8/20/2004 c2 10ibjuicen
Ugh! This is such an amazing story and a good start too! Well, I'd pefer Simon and I think that Courtney should say no as an answer for Jon and go to the dance alone. But while she's there, I was thinking, maybe she can just randomly dance with her friends or something...
Kepp it up!
8/20/2004 c2 vanburen
1. Simon. SimonSimonSimon! He is sweet and nice.
2. She should still say yes to Jon, just b/c Simon is taken. Plus, it will make Simon jealous! mwahahahaha
3. Your dialogue is nice, but the best thing to remember about writing is this: everything in moderation. Break up your dialogue with nice fat background descriptions.
4. You are doing a great job, keep it up!
8/20/2004 c1 vanburen
I think your chapter was a very nice length. Your characters were also well described. The only thing is that I think you should make sure to hit on their qualities repeatedly in later chapters. You introduced so many characters in this first chapter that there is no way that most people will remember them all. Especially since most of your guys are "cute and well-built". They become hard to differentiate. Also, the story has so many descriptions that it begins to read like a list. Try and either merge your paragraphs together into bigger ones, or improve the flow of ideas between your current paragraphs. Good luck!
8/19/2004 c1 2Jennifer H. Westall
Hey! I have a few comments for you. Obviously from your Bio, you're still young, so you have gotten off to a great start! I don't think the chapter is too long, but mine are long too! As far as describing the characters, I don't think it was bad, but I think there were too many to keep up with. Plus, the way you described them was more like you were just listing qualities about them. Hard to explain that one. It was like you were just stating facts rahter than telling a story. I wish I could tell you how to improve on that, but I'm not much of an expert myself.
Anyway, I think you have some great potential! I highly recommend a book by Steven King called "On Writing". He talks about his books, and about writing- how to make it better and whatnot. Great book! He gives an assignment you can email to him. I did it and posted it to Fictionpress. You can check it out if you want. I called it Clarity. Feel free to check out my story Providence. It's a little long, but I don't think it's half bad. Good luck! I hope you add more to your story soon!
8/18/2004 c1 31Whatever-I-Say
Great story. The chapter length is fine, characters are being describe very well and I can't wait to see what happens next.
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