for Disturbing8/28/2004 c2 DrammaQueen
This is way too choppy. It just dosen't flow like a real poem should try this, Alos is the title of this called Insecure?:
The darkend slinece
Gives disturbance
To my only shred of peace.
This deciving silence
continusly tricks me into believing that I am alone.
So alone I feel I shall remain
Until I create the happy people
Who proclaim "You Are the King of happiness! Where would we be without our King?"
Those loyal subjetcs those are my friends.
My subjects,
Who won't leave, decive or kill me over greed.
Like the people who reside in my life Only to haunt my dreams.
But one day I shall lash out
Yelling back
saying words that would other wise never come out.
It may seem
That I'm Trapped within my dreams.
The prision that's hold my mind captive.
But that's all wrong because,
Here I stand before you
Unafraid and Free
Even though I may appear to be a bit Insecure
Thois is just my suggestion, if you don't like it that's fine but it really could use some revising.
This is way too choppy. It just dosen't flow like a real poem should try this, Alos is the title of this called Insecure?:
The darkend slinece
Gives disturbance
To my only shred of peace.
This deciving silence
continusly tricks me into believing that I am alone.
So alone I feel I shall remain
Until I create the happy people
Who proclaim "You Are the King of happiness! Where would we be without our King?"
Those loyal subjetcs those are my friends.
My subjects,
Who won't leave, decive or kill me over greed.
Like the people who reside in my life Only to haunt my dreams.
But one day I shall lash out
Yelling back
saying words that would other wise never come out.
It may seem
That I'm Trapped within my dreams.
The prision that's hold my mind captive.
But that's all wrong because,
Here I stand before you
Unafraid and Free
Even though I may appear to be a bit Insecure
Thois is just my suggestion, if you don't like it that's fine but it really could use some revising.
8/23/2004 c4 you-cant-see-me-now
hey how ya doing
these few poems have been amazing like just the way you were able to epress i really wish i could do it as well as you
have you felt this or a friend? well if ya have a chance can you check out mine n tell me how to improve and what you think ty ..you keep writing your awesome
hey how ya doing
these few poems have been amazing like just the way you were able to epress i really wish i could do it as well as you
have you felt this or a friend? well if ya have a chance can you check out mine n tell me how to improve and what you think ty ..you keep writing your awesome
8/21/2004 c3 Incrys
I can't help but wonder what would happen if I happened to "slip" while holding that knife. Good description here. Word repitition was good for the piece too.
I can't help but wonder what would happen if I happened to "slip" while holding that knife. Good description here. Word repitition was good for the piece too.
8/21/2004 c2 Incrys
When you talked about creating people I thought of someone who made little clay dolls, i can't remember where I got that from, but it was an interesting thought to me.
When you talked about creating people I thought of someone who made little clay dolls, i can't remember where I got that from, but it was an interesting thought to me.