for hearing yourself exhale7/24/2005 c1 
6Gilee7
This is incredibly awesome. Great writing. I haven't read a piece that descriptive in a long, long time. Some people might say it was too much, but I enjoyed it, and I appreciated it. I even feel it was necessary.
You totally capture that "break-up" feeling with his thoughts toward her. And you really capture the alone feeling as well. There was some great imagery in this. Like the microwave light for example. I felt like I was up really late and stumbling into the kitchen to get something to drink.
You build up suspense as well. At first, I didn't know if he was seeing a ghost of her somehow, or if she was there or if she wasn't. I even kinda got creeped out a bit when he saw her in the kitchen and then she disappeared.
In the second paragraph, you write: "There were too many reminders of her in there anyway." You write it twice and it seems very superfluous. I say either it take one of them out, or rewrite one of them in a different way. Sometimes repetition can be good, but that wasn't repetition. Seemed more like you just forgot you had already written that same exact sentence just a little bit before.
-"I know now that you are not all I once thought you were"- When he says that toward the end, I kinda stumbled over it, and had to go back and read it slower. It doesn't roll off the tongue very easily. And for that reason I think it seems very unrealistic that he would say that. Doesn't seem natural. And especially since the tone of his voice is escalating.
Good story, though. I enjoyed it. I was very impressed by your writing. The descriptions were amazing. As well as the emotions you packed into this. I liked the ending too, bringing back the clock thing. Very appropriate. Very good job on this! Write on!
6Gilee7This is incredibly awesome. Great writing. I haven't read a piece that descriptive in a long, long time. Some people might say it was too much, but I enjoyed it, and I appreciated it. I even feel it was necessary.
You totally capture that "break-up" feeling with his thoughts toward her. And you really capture the alone feeling as well. There was some great imagery in this. Like the microwave light for example. I felt like I was up really late and stumbling into the kitchen to get something to drink.
You build up suspense as well. At first, I didn't know if he was seeing a ghost of her somehow, or if she was there or if she wasn't. I even kinda got creeped out a bit when he saw her in the kitchen and then she disappeared.
In the second paragraph, you write: "There were too many reminders of her in there anyway." You write it twice and it seems very superfluous. I say either it take one of them out, or rewrite one of them in a different way. Sometimes repetition can be good, but that wasn't repetition. Seemed more like you just forgot you had already written that same exact sentence just a little bit before.
-"I know now that you are not all I once thought you were"- When he says that toward the end, I kinda stumbled over it, and had to go back and read it slower. It doesn't roll off the tongue very easily. And for that reason I think it seems very unrealistic that he would say that. Doesn't seem natural. And especially since the tone of his voice is escalating.
Good story, though. I enjoyed it. I was very impressed by your writing. The descriptions were amazing. As well as the emotions you packed into this. I liked the ending too, bringing back the clock thing. Very appropriate. Very good job on this! Write on!