for Whitewashed Walls5/21/2005 c1 
132Pretty Peaceful
i really like this. like really. i think it's beautiful. of course, my favourite bits are the ones inolving teh ocean because it's a part of me. but all over this is just wow. favourite stories indeed.
132Pretty Peacefuli really like this. like really. i think it's beautiful. of course, my favourite bits are the ones inolving teh ocean because it's a part of me. but all over this is just wow. favourite stories indeed.
12/15/2004 c1 30Weeba
Much better than a lot of stuff on this site, but disappointing from a writer of your status. I think the first line promises more than the poem can give in terms of quality, although some of the phrasing and vocabulary is indeed good. But it's not up to par. I've never been one for dialogue in a poem, for one thing; I think it breaks things up.
Pretty good, but you've done better, if I may say so.
This is not a flame, but a disappointed reader expecting more from an esteemed writer. You're very good with other things; just this...somehow, it's not up to standard. Sorry if this review makes you sad. I'm simply saying what I think is true.
30WeebaMuch better than a lot of stuff on this site, but disappointing from a writer of your status. I think the first line promises more than the poem can give in terms of quality, although some of the phrasing and vocabulary is indeed good. But it's not up to par. I've never been one for dialogue in a poem, for one thing; I think it breaks things up.
Pretty good, but you've done better, if I may say so.
This is not a flame, but a disappointed reader expecting more from an esteemed writer. You're very good with other things; just this...somehow, it's not up to standard. Sorry if this review makes you sad. I'm simply saying what I think is true.
12/4/2004 c1 Lord Iceberg
Imagery here is FANTASTIC! You've used the paragraphing really well to add to the effect, and presented an interesting new way of looking at death. Really good! Gold star for you!
Imagery here is FANTASTIC! You've used the paragraphing really well to add to the effect, and presented an interesting new way of looking at death. Really good! Gold star for you!
11/14/2004 c1 23feelingloved
Wow. There's not much I can say that hasn't already been said, I suppose. I will agree that I like the first stanza best and that I dislike the last line. It seems to take away from the poem in someway...
23feelinglovedWow. There's not much I can say that hasn't already been said, I suppose. I will agree that I like the first stanza best and that I dislike the last line. It seems to take away from the poem in someway...
10/26/2004 c1 34moonarised polane
wow. what a great poem. i like the first stanza the best, where you un-stereotype death and describe him as being robed in white.
great work. there is this numbness in the whole poem that really causes it to stand out. keep on writing!
34moonarised polanewow. what a great poem. i like the first stanza the best, where you un-stereotype death and describe him as being robed in white.
great work. there is this numbness in the whole poem that really causes it to stand out. keep on writing!
10/19/2004 c1 Moroni's Daughter
Wow. I don't know how to describe the emotion here...death mixed fear and numbness...and something else.
-Moroni's Daughter
Wow. I don't know how to describe the emotion here...death mixed fear and numbness...and something else.
-Moroni's Daughter
9/28/2004 c1 32Morbane
I like the first stanza best; it's rather compelling. The rhythm is great. *rhythm
'I get up to run, to run away from their fate' - you've carried the rhythm through here, but I'm not sure this line has such a strong impact. Revise? *one soul
'"Have a nice life" it says; the face echoes in my mind
Pale and white and grinning, 'have a nice life'
There is one day left' -That's neat, haunting.
*I once knew
I find the last line a bit... anticlimactic? Revise perhaps?
Overall, great poem - haunting and light-headed.
32MorbaneI like the first stanza best; it's rather compelling. The rhythm is great. *rhythm
'I get up to run, to run away from their fate' - you've carried the rhythm through here, but I'm not sure this line has such a strong impact. Revise? *one soul
'"Have a nice life" it says; the face echoes in my mind
Pale and white and grinning, 'have a nice life'
There is one day left' -That's neat, haunting.
*I once knew
I find the last line a bit... anticlimactic? Revise perhaps?
Overall, great poem - haunting and light-headed.
9/19/2004 c1 34ira
Very interesting concept. Kind of sinister, but good descriptions with the "numbing chil".
~seventh wave
34iraVery interesting concept. Kind of sinister, but good descriptions with the "numbing chil".
~seventh wave
9/19/2004 c1 123alors
...
I like the things that happen; how they're symbolic. The last few bars of a song; the numbness, and also the loud [jarring?] pounding of the surf.
123alors...
I like the things that happen; how they're symbolic. The last few bars of a song; the numbness, and also the loud [jarring?] pounding of the surf.
9/17/2004 c1 1innocent shadows
i liked the way you presented death in this poem. it was slow and intense and i thought the last paragraph was very innocent and unknowing. and
Only a numbing chill as the spray froths around my waist
Death has come at last
i loved those 2 lines. keep it up yeah?
1innocent shadowsi liked the way you presented death in this poem. it was slow and intense and i thought the last paragraph was very innocent and unknowing. and
Only a numbing chill as the spray froths around my waist
Death has come at last
i loved those 2 lines. keep it up yeah?