Just In
for The Dream

5/20/2005 c1 20Aibari
Somewhat freaky, but yes, it's good.
10/21/2003 c1 Grace of Music
"He was, once again, in his bed when, quite suddenly, the curtains were drawn by an unknown force outside of them; then, as the German looked on, everything turned white, then-"

That is a big, run-on sentence that needs to be stortened down. Like this..

"He found himself in his bed when suddenly, the curtains were drawn apart by an unseen force. As the German looked on, everything turned white. Then..." Yadda, yadda, yadda. Then this kind of got on my nerves."He felt frightened, but he did not know why. The dream was not particularly frightening in any way." You had just stated that he was frightened, meaning that he was scared of what he was dreaming about. Then you went a head and put that the dream wasn't "particularly frighting in anyway". You should state one thing, then concredict your own writing.

Starting out with the same word can get boring and bland. As is in this piece of your work, "Every night something small, but certainly new, came to be a part of the dream. Every night, the dream would become more and more clear." You could cut off an 'every night' there or change it some how. It becomes annoying when the author continues to use the same words over and over again.

I do, however, like how you use both his last name and his first name. It challenges the reader's thoughts about who's who. Good job.

"As Brennenager finished his very late dinner, consisting of a small sandwich, he yawned and got into bed." That right there. MMhmm'. It basically says that he took hsi palte into his bedroom, while yawning, and got into bed. It's the whole concept that you need to work on; Concept of words.

Your ending...You need to work on it. "And, old men who used to know Brennenager said that the next day, when they found his body buried by other dead men’s, he was just a cold, bloody corpse." That is a major run-on and way too many commas. You need to cut out the part about finding his body next to the other people's bodies. Plus, almost all corpses are cold and bloody in a war story like this is. That's hardly scary at all. I don't even see why you put that part about the window in there. It had nothing to with how he died. If you had put a door in his dream, it would make much more sense.

After all, he did step out the door and turned around to only get shot in the head. He didn't look out a window at all. If you're saying that it wasn't a window you were meaning in the dream, then think back. Curtians? No curtians cover doors. Besides, the "curtians" were beside his bed. I doubt his front door was by his bed. And if it was, you would have needed to specify on that one too.

I hope you actually take my comments into thought and reconsider how you should write a story. Have a nice day.
10/21/2003 c1 27Electra Fairford
Eh, not bad. A good idea for a story. The ending's somewhat anticlimactic. The headlines are unrealistic - I don't mean the content, which I know is meant to be - the wording is hardly journalistic or propagandic. The paragraph the stands by itself near the end: is he actually yawning and crawling into bed while eating his sandwich? This seems like a grammar mistake.

This story could be made a whole lot more powerful...perhaps with one more dream sequence in which he recognizes himself, to set up an aura of impending doom - or the corpse should be unidentifiable, perhaps killed by a grenade etc. If you want to take on the atmosphere of Berlin itself, maybe have Adolf take a walk and see people acting panicky or something of the sort. As is, though, it's rather flat and lifeless.
8/26/2003 c1 10Heinrich
I loved this alot! It reminds me of this story I wrote a long time ago for class. This was great!


Auf wiedersehen,

-Heinrich aka Raina
5/1/2001 c1 hvjvkvhj
Blah Blah Blah
3/15/2001 c1 5PrincessDrusilla
Great story! I luv to read about any story setted in the 1940's Germany
1/14/2001 c1 Pitbull Girl
Good story.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service