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2/8/2005 c7 headkicker
I'm now finding it hard to find criticisms, which is a good sign for you. I still think you need to cut the arguements a bit shorter. You could also make Jason a bit nicer, though Cynthia was asking for it. The use of subplots is an effective technique which, among other things, helps to add suspence, so well done.
2/8/2005 c6 headkicker
There is such a big hoo-haa made about one little video night which only serves to give rise to an oportunity for Chase to admit his secret. And just while we're on the subject, I beleive it is good to accept people in his situation ( they're still human beings), but the way you worded the incident sounded like you were condoning something that we both know is wrong. It dosn't make him a bad person, but he's making a serious mistake in his life by not fighting the tendency and obviously needs some help and counseling. And the two girls act like it's somethig really cool. What I'm trying to say is just be careful about the way you word things as some impressionable minds might read and misunderstand you which can be really dangerous. Remember, being a writer demands great responsibility as a writer can have a power over their readers to implant new ideas into their impressionable minds and they must always practise extreme caution when writing or the repercussions could be disasterous.On a lighter note, your sense of humour seems to show development as the story also develops.(Though the story hasn't really developed that much yet. You probably still need to strengthen your story-line a bit). Enjoying every bit! love Megs
2/8/2005 c5 headkicker
Ok, there is no need to start this chapter off with such course language. And there is also no need for Jason to be so irresponsible as to get drunk. I might have said before that they should have SOME faults but I didn't mean for you to turn them to unstable teenage losers.If the reader is to form a relationship with these main characters, they have to be likable, though still beleivable.More long pointless arguements which are a waste of time and space. Some funny comments though, and even some clever ones.By the way, what is wrong with Syd and Catherine being happy. They are such kill joys. Everyone knows that the whole human race is in search for true happiness. Besides, Sydney's words belie her actions as she is obviously dreaming of her 'happily-ever-after' with her prince charming. (major contradiction). Please take all this in good humour. I'm only trying to help and you are really a quite skilled and funny writer.
2/8/2005 c4 headkicker
Finally, some funny action, and even at Cynthia's expence.Hope to see some more of it.By the way, we've seen alot of Sydney's aggressive side. Don't you think it appropriate that the main character has some redeeming qualities as well! you know, just in case the reader wanted to, umm, connect with and relate with her.(Note my sarcasm - establishing a relationship with the main character IS very, VERY important. To do this they must be in some way likeable, though not necessarilly-infact never-without faults.) It's shaping up quite well.
2/8/2005 c3 headkicker
Your style and expression is improving, but I have to say, I'm kind of getting of all the meanigless, annoying arguements. I guess it's her character and all, but there is no need to make a feature of it. There should be tiny snippets of arguements and lots of story-line rather than the other way round. Remember, one of the most important things when writing a book is to have a strong, secure, and clearly definable story-line! Your doing well!
2/8/2005 c2 headkicker
I take it you're STILL introducing characters as, yet again, not much has happened except a couple of minor encounters and almost pointless arguements. Some funny comments, and some cheezy ones but then teenagers are more often than not cheezy so I guess thats ok and fits in with the style and characters' personalities.Hopefully, by the next chapter, we'll find out more than the first few hours before one particular day of school. No hard feelings, of course. Just doing my job as a critic.
2/7/2005 c1 Headkicker
First of all, let me say that my following comments could be refered to as positive criticism, not "bagging out"so take them in good faith and humour. It's a very short chapter that dosn't seem to acheive much more than then give you an idea about the main character's attitude. However, that can be concidered acceptible if an introduction was all that was intended. Still, Iwould have thought a bit more of... 'something' would be good to captivate the reader. A suggestion might be to add some subtle hints about whats about to happen to stimulate some curiosity. Not a bad start to the book.
2/5/2005 c9 NoFlyingPigsHere
down with evil preps. hee hee.
2/3/2005 c5 alvir
hey this is really good!
2/3/2005 c9 bellamy
it was simply marvellous
2/3/2005 c8 bellamy
hey good but u were MEAN TO NICK! yes i do like nick. ur super and wonderful!
2/2/2005 c9 I can't be bothered to sign in so hey
Well, well, well...Yes I am fabulous aren't I... :PI am currently sick at home and bored sp i thought i's look online and whaddaya know mia's finally updated.Stef will seriously kill you when she finds out about the ciao. So will Julie come to think of it...Mia have you by any chance read "Finding Cassie Crazy" ? Your "protocol" sounds like a pitied attempt at something in there.It should be more like:


It has to be sharper. Anyway I hope I brought a little ray of cynicism and critique into your life.I would write more but hey I'm lazy...bec
1/31/2005 c9 sexyz-bratz
awesome story! i love chase! i do..so much! he's so funny and everything! please update sooner okay? please please please?
1/31/2005 c9 2city-gal7
well...its about TIME u updated? u finally are moving the story? good! now...please don't update really late okay? update next week or something. And yes, you DO have thinking to do!
1/16/2005 c8 miniqiduz
Yeh! im finally mentioned, did i mention that i like this chapter! hehehehe...and its not just because i was mentioned..well actually it kinda is...but its a good chapter too! you've been getting slack with your writing , i dont see any more new chapters...comeon keep writing gotta please "your fans" hehehe mini
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