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for Shattered Souls

3/29/2009 c3 1Edara
Great story!

I love how you link what she is doing now to her life before she moved. Every time you use the mystery of what happened before the suspence just gets stronger. I really want to know what happened!

I like the different hair and eye colours that you use when describing people. I would really like to know what Riah's hair and eye colour is so that I can picture her better when I am reading this story.

Can't wait to find out more!
10/22/2004 c6 tainted-reality
Ooh! Love this chapter! I think I'm going to like Xyden...He sounds very cute... ^-^
I like the way Rishia is more natural, it makes the character more believeable and easier to relate too.
Luv ya! Keep updating! It's been a month (nearly)!
10/22/2004 c5 tainted-reality
Ah! Great to be back and reviewing! I've been so busy! Sorry! *bows*
Anyway, it's been a really great chapter so far!
Yay! Go Aussies!
ps. I love weetbix... ^_^
10/10/2004 c1 aeolyn
Wow, an interesting beginning and I wonder what that dream means. Got to read more later. Sounds like a very good story so far ^_^
10/4/2004 c2 1silverferal
M. Good story.
9/30/2004 c6 Jessie
Yay! We finally know who Xynden is! and lok! Teyian is jealous! Teyian is jealous!
Great work! keep it up!
9/28/2004 c5 Ti
Yo, my lazy girl! Great work! It's getting better and better! I'm looking forwrd to the next chapter! Hurry and update!
9/19/2004 c5 minna411
I think your doing great so far, keep up the great work! I love the writing style and your characters and setting and everything! And their names! Can i borrow Va'lel? That is such an interesting name... Just one thing you need to work on is keeping everybody's name straight, you've called her brother Azhin even though he's aryn, and whos Xynden (from ch.3)?
9/18/2004 c5 Shae
It's getting better and better. I like Ri's outburst, it makes her seem more realistic, have a stronger personality. I love Australians, they speak with such a cool accent!
9/18/2004 c5 Shae
It's getting better and better. I like Ri's outburst, it makes her seem more realistic, have a stronger personality. I love Australians, they speak with such a cool accent!
9/18/2004 c3 Jessie
Wow, this chapter's great! OOh. Keep it up! Can't wait to see what happens next!
9/18/2004 c4 Ti
Yo! Great chapter! The battle scene was fine, if a little short. Maybe if it was a little more suspenseful?
But it was great all the same!
I'm beginning to like Teyian, though he did seem like a snobbish jerk at the start.
Keep it up!
9/16/2004 c2 3Pharseer
Are you British? Or is that just your style? I notice you use the spelling variants for words like colour or in the use of words like spoilt or learnt, which most Americans don't use. Anyway. One thing that I mentioned before, but seemed glaring to me was the lack of Ri's home life. You know she's miserable at home and school, but you don't really have a good grasp of why. The horrible girls are annoying, but they don't seem to bother her that much and its clear she doesn't want to go home, but you don't really know why. It's also a great opportunity to show what she's like away from the horrible girls and maybe show a little more of the personality traits that Zyaeric says she possesses later on. You have some really good turns of phrase (Her hands itched to smooth her new uniform; thick crimson velvet which was moulded protectively around the instruments), but I've also noticed you repeat phrases a lot, even in the same sentence (She spent the first half of the lesson sketching in her sketchbook; perfectly curled hair...perfect manicured fingernails). I found myself being distracted by it, getting thrown out of the story. (I LOVE the name Va'Lel, BTW.)However, everything that seems to come out of their little clique's mouth is so cliche. Except for hair color, I'm not sure I can tell them apart-which may be deliberate, but it doesn't feel like it. Not much happens in the first chapter either; I think it could be lengthened a little to show the contrast in Ri's personality at school (subdued) and how she is playing music with Azhin) There's some really strong stuff there, and in the first couple chapters, you want to do as much character development as possible, especially when nothing much is going on. Lastly, I suggest you do some proof reading; I noticed some spelling errors (she took a deep BREATHE...) and some of the mixed tenses I mentioned before. More to come...
9/16/2004 c1 Pharseer
I read the prologue & all 3 chapters online, so some of the stuff I'm going to say is throughout and some of it is about the prologue specifically. First off, I think that you're very talented. You have a good grasp of narrative, you have clear mental pictures of your characters and overall your storytelling is interesting and entertaining. One of the areas that I've noticed that you're a little weak is verb tense. You quite often change tense in the middle of a sentence; (her body still hurts (present tense) if she moved (past tense)) I also think that you sometimes mistake noting the color of everything for being descriptive. Except for different color hair and/or eyes, I really don't know what distinguishes any of these people from each other. Moles, warts, a scar, a crooked tooth...all of that helps build character and make the story more real. I think, too, that your characters are a little generic. It doesn't mean they aren't or can't be interesting, but the horrible girls are just horrible, and the nice boys are just nice, and Ri is so perfect I'm having a hard time believing it. She's good at everything, she comes from a fabulous family, she's almost always in control of herself and her anger...where are her flaws (except for the fact that she doesn't fight back against Kyinnta)? On the one hand, I think she's a pretty perfect portrait of a girl that age; the mood swings, being convinced that everyone is judging her, when she's being completely judgemental at the same time...but I'm not sure that's totally intentional. All the elements are there, they just need to be tweaked a little bit to be more distinct, firm. As for the prologue, I'm not convinced that you need it. Nothing really happens in it, and the concept of her dreams could be moved to one of the chapters easily, giving a glimpse into her home life which is sorely needed. Right now, you ONLY see her at school. I know how hard it is to give up something that you've spent so much time and effort on (it shows), but I don't see any value added by the prologue. More to come...
9/14/2004 c3 Shae
I love this chapter! O_o a cliffy! Keep updating! the suspense!
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