Just In
for Headache

4/13/2005 c4 3GotinksX
This is pretty good what i've read so far.
4/2/2005 c11 13Eyes Unclouded
^_^; Finally I get back to this story. First off, the fight scene was cool, but this time it was sort of tiresome since Ayame and Musashi were basically hacking people into little bits. Everything is so easy for them that the story may lose its edge if they don't get some competition soon. Also, some sentences could have used some reworking or corrections:

"shooting the same king of thing with"

"backward handspring layout backwards"

"He committed himself to whatever he’d been planning but right before he could do whatever it was he wanted it to..."


I realize this story is probably just a way to relax and write something you truly love, but I suggest making it a bit more coherent. I didn't get what Donut had to do with Ayame (maybe because I've been away for a while).

Nice touch with the dojo, though. I've been to a few, and I could see the layout of it clearly in my head. The cheap-o weapons made a lot of sense.

Oh, yeah - Sin City is out! My bro and his friend are worshipping it right now but I haven't seen it myself. Also, you should read the manga Vagabond; it's about Miyamoto Musashi and is based (loosely) on Eiji Yoshikawa's novel. Takezo's character is more likable (he's not just a "bully" as Yoshikawa described him) and the philosophy behind the battles is more prominent. YOU MUST READ IT!
3/18/2005 c9 Eyes Unclouded
This chapter seemed a bit rushed for what it was dealing with - that is, it implies that Hector is not the main guy and that Ayame and Musashi still have bigger fish to fry. If that's what you were aiming for (and so it seems since there are several chapters after this one), congrats because that's the effect ^_^

No editing suggestions from me for this chapter except punctuating the dialogue a little more accurately. Or not. Depends on how the slang is supposed to sound, but a few commas could have made it smoother. (Also, the "e" didn't show up for cliche; I'm not sure fictionpress supports special letters.)

Man, Hector was weird. I'm surprised he got as far as he did with such blatantly stupid habits. (Not just his way of speaking - he seemed to be an all-around stupid guy.) His death was magnificently described. I could just see it all in my head.

I can't review anymore right now, but keep up the jokes and action!
3/18/2005 c8 Eyes Unclouded
I'm in the editing mood today!

"They'd planned...projected at them." - sounds awkward

"were both all horrible shots" - remove "both"

"so he as quickly as he could reloaded" - rephrase

"then she had to pause to reload somebody grazed her shoulder with a bullet" - maybe "when" instead of "then"

"sneaky sneaky bastard" - is the repetition intentional?

"using that tactic that since" - remove a "that"

The death scenes were even more graphic this time! Wow - this is the first time I've ever read a work in which someone actually realized that bullets can ricochet off bones!

As for the action, top-notch as always - though I'm afraid you may be getting bogged down in the gun terminology, which - although it's interesting for a newbie like me - has a tendency to slow down the pace of the writing, especially when you use parentheses for extra notes. Maybe in the nonaction scenes, you could focus more extensively on the weaponry and then streamline it in the action scenes. Don't know.

Anyways, loved the wit! Somehow, you turn a potentially gruesome scene into a...not-serious scene. I can't exactly describe it, but it reminds me of that scene in Pulp Fiction when Vincent shoots that guy in the face (can't remember his name right now...Marvin?). It could have been awfully dramatic and gross, but it wasn't.


I realize this review is getting long, but I also wanted to ask you - did you ever see that movie with George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez? - I don't know the name because I only saw a part on TV. Anyway, there's a scene where a bad guy is running up the stairs at Clooney and he trips and falls and shoots himself in the head. Weirdly funny.
3/18/2005 c2 13Dark Sploosh
This is a fine piece of work. You obviosuly know your guns (although I already knew that) and it shows. Although I wonder why Musashi knows so much about guns himself...anyways, it's good.
3/17/2005 c4 Darket
This story is still getting better. I'm glad to see that somebody else on this Website actually likes Max Payne... Resident Evil 4, just played it... KICK ASS GAME!
3/15/2005 c3 du Louvre
I'm actually starting to like this. I think it's growing on me... well I realize that it is a name and should be like... capatilized er somethin but I like it the way it is. I thought of this before I made it my name (the revised version) well thanks for the correction and I hope to talk to you lata!
3/15/2005 c2 20Penny so Pretty
Hey it's me again. I was too lazy to sign in earlier but I found out that you were actually wrong about the spelling. It's DU Louvre not DE so I guess that you were wrong and so was I and I am going to admit that because I am not ashamed of my mistakes. Good job with this chapter I suppose. Though it is not my type of genre.
3/15/2005 c1 bleh
Hey thanks for letting me know but you don't have to act like such a smart ass. My mistake. CHILL OUTand I know why people don't review your stuff... it's because you only review other people to correct them
3/15/2005 c7 13Eyes Unclouded
This is the last chapter I'm reviewing for today (homework is the monkey who constantly prods me in the back with a stick). Since you seem to hate typos as much as I do (even moreso?), here are some:

"reaching for what Musashi soon learned was guns" - this should be "were guns"

"Ayame’s role was not much more easy than" - "was not much easier"

"then got to pinioning him via flex-cuffs." - sounds odd

"tactical leg holsters and tactical thigh-mount holsters" - a comma after "leg holsters"?

"as well as starting a fires" - uh-huh...

"he neededto retreat" - missing a space

I can see by the Author's Notes that you really had to work on this chapter, and I can see why - I would probably have even more trouble making the action scenes as coherent as you made them.

Also, I'm finally getting the hang of all this technical detail, and it really does seem to be told from the point of view of a cold-blooded killer. I'll read more later!

Also, if you get a chance, please check out one of my stories. They are fantasy tales and completely lacking in technical detail, and "The Music of the Spheres" could best be described as a head trip, but I'd be very appreciative if you gave me an opinion. ^_^
3/15/2005 c6 Eyes Unclouded
And so they go back to Borders - funny how things work out, isn't it? Actually, I like the uniqueness of the location. I certainly wouldn't expect a gunfight to break out while I was reading a book.

I also like the scene where Musashi takes the Bounty Hunter from the guy who was blinded in one eye. He seems very cool and composed, which prompts me to note that he hasn't broken a sweat since the beginning of the story. Maybe you could make him a bit more human (I don't mean a wuss!). That is, it would be cool if he met up with someone who could match him (although I see there are about fifteen more chapters after this one, and I wouldn't be surprised if there was such an awesome fight contained in one of them).
3/15/2005 c5 Eyes Unclouded
Short chapter, so I'll review briefly: Nice dialogue but maybe a little too much description in the dialogue - Musashi doesn't need to explain everything to us. Also, this could use some detail about the location, although that's your choice.

Also, if you're seriously dying for reviews, review one of Born Mistake's stories (particularly Behind Kaiti Yotsu and Dusman), and ask her to review you back. Her stories are pretty unique and she reviews a LOT.
3/14/2005 c1 Darket
I'm sorry I couldn't read more. It's R rated and it's very often I see good R Rated stories. Very rare when I see PG-13. Oh, thanks for reviewing my story Strike Ops. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! About the equipment, that's more better covered in my other stories like "Shadow Cop" and "Alabama Man". Did you know an AT 20 was a little pistol? Hm... Anyway. Thanks for reviewing Strike Ops. I like your story. I hear about you from that Stephen Hildreth guy. He was talking about you in a story. Anyway, see you around. I'd keep reading but it's late over here and I'm getting sleepy... PEACE!
3/13/2005 c4 Eyes Unclouded
Oh! Now I'm starting to get the plot. This is getting very interesting. My only suggestion this time around would be to add in some more detail about the location. The dialogue was good, but the characters need a bit more definition still (physically, that is - their personalities are shining through). I like the variation in the names, though.

Also, I read your updated profile and I'm SO glad you didn't remove Headache. I stumbled on your story by chance, and it seems it was a lucky windfall. I'll read more later ^_^
3/12/2005 c3 Eyes Unclouded
Oh, man, this story is so cool! Normally, I'm not crazy about insanely violent action, but this story is really exciting. I love the wit and the lulls between the action that are sort of like a return to reality (Napoleon Dynamite reference and I swear I know that "aw!" line from somewhere - South Park?). I'm still in the dark about all the weaponry but it's all very cool (you will see that I'll repeat this adjective very often in the course of reviewing this).

I'd love to read more but I gotta go. I'll be back later for the massacre ^_^
33 Page 1 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service