4/22/2008 c1 17Luny Loona
I noticed a lot of your successive sentences start with 'I' - try varying the sentence structure.
...'“Hello?” I questioned.'...'questioned' normally wouldn't be used that way. It's fine to stick with 'said'.
...'was coming from either ends of the hall'...it should be 'either end' - no plural, because you mean, 'either this end or that end', not 'either this ends or that ends'.
Sometimes you put in commas unnecessarily, like having many phrases in a sentence. Although a few could be used for effect, I suggest you cut down on them. For example...
...'I knocked, first, on my sister’s door'...the 'first' does not have to stand alone. It looks awkward.
...And then, my brothers room, without knocking I let myself into the room, but he was also missing.'...see above. Some of these phrases can be put together with a bit of rearranging and without comma separation. Also, 'brothers' is missing an apostrophe.
...'Her body so fragile and petite.'...incomplete sentence - need 'was' between 'body' and 'so'.
...'But then I noticed. Blood drenched along the sheets.'...These two sentences should be put together - separate and they don't really make sense. The second one is incomplete, too.
...'He to had the same wound.'...I think you mean 'he too'.
...'Tears ringed from my eyes...'...I don't believe that 'ringed' is a verb, which is what should be there.
There are some words you use, such as 'upon' and 'towards', that are unnecessary - they can be replaced by simpler words like 'on' and 'to', the way you are using them.
Your phrasing is rather awkward. Try keep it simple - simple phrasing is like a cake, and complex phrasing is like icing. A cake would like a bit of icing, but icing needs to have a cake. Variation is only good if it's actually 'varied'.
That happens quite a lot in this chapter, so look out for that.
...'The court has no record of this minor, she has never committed any crimes.'...semicolon should be used instead of the comma - both can stand alone as separate sentences.
...'Yes, but we can see just by looking at the way she is, her personal belongings say it all,'...You should split the sentence at 'the way she is. Her'...
...'But you are on trial for murder, not them Miss Shay.'...there shoud be a comma between 'them' and 'Miss'.
...'It seemed too movie of the week.'...it doesn't make sense. If it refers to something, try adding single quotation marks.
...'...you testimonial says...'...do you mean 'your testimonial says'?
Good idea so far! One of the more interesting starts I've seen on the site. And what makes it different is that you actually continued it.
Happy writing!
I noticed a lot of your successive sentences start with 'I' - try varying the sentence structure.
...'“Hello?” I questioned.'...'questioned' normally wouldn't be used that way. It's fine to stick with 'said'.
...'was coming from either ends of the hall'...it should be 'either end' - no plural, because you mean, 'either this end or that end', not 'either this ends or that ends'.
Sometimes you put in commas unnecessarily, like having many phrases in a sentence. Although a few could be used for effect, I suggest you cut down on them. For example...
...'I knocked, first, on my sister’s door'...the 'first' does not have to stand alone. It looks awkward.
...And then, my brothers room, without knocking I let myself into the room, but he was also missing.'...see above. Some of these phrases can be put together with a bit of rearranging and without comma separation. Also, 'brothers' is missing an apostrophe.
...'Her body so fragile and petite.'...incomplete sentence - need 'was' between 'body' and 'so'.
...'But then I noticed. Blood drenched along the sheets.'...These two sentences should be put together - separate and they don't really make sense. The second one is incomplete, too.
...'He to had the same wound.'...I think you mean 'he too'.
...'Tears ringed from my eyes...'...I don't believe that 'ringed' is a verb, which is what should be there.
There are some words you use, such as 'upon' and 'towards', that are unnecessary - they can be replaced by simpler words like 'on' and 'to', the way you are using them.
Your phrasing is rather awkward. Try keep it simple - simple phrasing is like a cake, and complex phrasing is like icing. A cake would like a bit of icing, but icing needs to have a cake. Variation is only good if it's actually 'varied'.
That happens quite a lot in this chapter, so look out for that.
...'The court has no record of this minor, she has never committed any crimes.'...semicolon should be used instead of the comma - both can stand alone as separate sentences.
...'Yes, but we can see just by looking at the way she is, her personal belongings say it all,'...You should split the sentence at 'the way she is. Her'...
...'But you are on trial for murder, not them Miss Shay.'...there shoud be a comma between 'them' and 'Miss'.
...'It seemed too movie of the week.'...it doesn't make sense. If it refers to something, try adding single quotation marks.
...'...you testimonial says...'...do you mean 'your testimonial says'?
Good idea so far! One of the more interesting starts I've seen on the site. And what makes it different is that you actually continued it.
Happy writing!
6/1/2005 c9 298Moon-Chaser
Wow, very cool ending, but you better post another chapter soon, I don't think that I can wait long. Conall isn't the killer is he? I don't think that would be very nice, he is such a nice guy.
Keep it up.
Wow, very cool ending, but you better post another chapter soon, I don't think that I can wait long. Conall isn't the killer is he? I don't think that would be very nice, he is such a nice guy.
Keep it up.
5/30/2005 c9 36Silentwriter9
sorry i haven't reviewed in a long time... i've been wicked busy.
this is an interesting chapter. I like how you continue to develop the story line and throw in wierd pieces of infomation at the reader (i.e. the vision thingy with Conall's blue eyes).
and the last sentence i think you mean "own" not "on"
*Silent Writer*
sorry i haven't reviewed in a long time... i've been wicked busy.
this is an interesting chapter. I like how you continue to develop the story line and throw in wierd pieces of infomation at the reader (i.e. the vision thingy with Conall's blue eyes).
and the last sentence i think you mean "own" not "on"
*Silent Writer*
4/15/2005 c8 Silentwriter9
Sorry for taking so long to review! For some reason I wasn't getting author updates...
I liked this chapter it was... nice? happier? Lol no stalking or anything like that. However, that just means it will pick up again and I can't wait =D. I figured you made them all so accepting was for 'a reason' :P. :) I really liked the: "I pushed out my lips, and began to pout. The notorious puppy dogface, if you will. " line. it made me chuckle :) and I liked how Katherine fell out of the bed :P it was a nice touch :D.
*Silent Writer*
Thank you for the review on "Listening for the Gold Whispers" :D
Sorry for taking so long to review! For some reason I wasn't getting author updates...
I liked this chapter it was... nice? happier? Lol no stalking or anything like that. However, that just means it will pick up again and I can't wait =D. I figured you made them all so accepting was for 'a reason' :P. :) I really liked the: "I pushed out my lips, and began to pout. The notorious puppy dogface, if you will. " line. it made me chuckle :) and I liked how Katherine fell out of the bed :P it was a nice touch :D.
*Silent Writer*
Thank you for the review on "Listening for the Gold Whispers" :D
4/12/2005 c8 298Moon-Chaser
I just know that something bad is going to happen. But now I think that Conall is too nice, he doesn't turn out to be a bad guy does he? I also get the feeling that The Zone is going to be burned down, its not is it?
Keep it up.
I just know that something bad is going to happen. But now I think that Conall is too nice, he doesn't turn out to be a bad guy does he? I also get the feeling that The Zone is going to be burned down, its not is it?
Keep it up.
4/12/2005 c7 Moon-Chaser
I think that Conall is such a cute character! I could just love him!
In response to your review of my review, or course I love you but you love me also so I will have to put you in my bio!
I think that Conall is such a cute character! I could just love him!
In response to your review of my review, or course I love you but you love me also so I will have to put you in my bio!
4/12/2005 c6 Moon-Chaser
I love the cliff-hanger at the end, I'm going to read the nest chapter now. Sorry its taken so long to get this far.
Keep it up.
I love the cliff-hanger at the end, I'm going to read the nest chapter now. Sorry its taken so long to get this far.
Keep it up.
2/25/2005 c7 36Silentwriter9
mm nice chapter... it is kinda wierd how accepting the girls (especially Liz) are of Conall. hm makes me think.. lol. I'm glad you like my work=D thank you!
can't wait for the next installment!
*Silent Writer*
mm nice chapter... it is kinda wierd how accepting the girls (especially Liz) are of Conall. hm makes me think.. lol. I'm glad you like my work=D thank you!
can't wait for the next installment!
*Silent Writer*
2/8/2005 c6 Silentwriter9
liked it. especially showing how she is liking this new person... Conall.
*SW*
liked it. especially showing how she is liking this new person... Conall.
*SW*
2/8/2005 c4 Silentwriter9
i can't believe that her father died. that is so sad now she has no one. and i figured out that Kat wasn't her step mom but her friend. =)
*SW*
i can't believe that her father died. that is so sad now she has no one. and i figured out that Kat wasn't her step mom but her friend. =)
*SW*
2/8/2005 c3 Silentwriter9
ah-ha well, you can ignore my first comment about DiJen beta-ing your work.
i was confused at your time shifts but it happens. and i am not sure who Kat is exactly... step mom? dunno.
*SW*
ah-ha well, you can ignore my first comment about DiJen beta-ing your work.
i was confused at your time shifts but it happens. and i am not sure who Kat is exactly... step mom? dunno.
*SW*
2/8/2005 c2 Silentwriter9
good chapter. i don't like that she lied under oath but i uderstand why she did it.
*Silent Writer*
Thank you for your review on 'Untitled' which is now happily titled: "White-Blonde Darkness" =)
good chapter. i don't like that she lied under oath but i uderstand why she did it.
*Silent Writer*
Thank you for your review on 'Untitled' which is now happily titled: "White-Blonde Darkness" =)
2/8/2005 c1 Silentwriter9
the storyline/plotline is really intriguing. i like it! however i believe DiJen is right. your ideas are choppy and not reader friendly. i've only read the first chapter so i don't know if you improved. I think you should take up DiJen's offer about beta-ing your work. It would make it more reader friendly and probably gain you more reviews.
i liked your descriptions and how you've written it in first person.
*Silent Writer*
Thank you for your review on 'Hot Summer Day'
the storyline/plotline is really intriguing. i like it! however i believe DiJen is right. your ideas are choppy and not reader friendly. i've only read the first chapter so i don't know if you improved. I think you should take up DiJen's offer about beta-ing your work. It would make it more reader friendly and probably gain you more reviews.
i liked your descriptions and how you've written it in first person.
*Silent Writer*
Thank you for your review on 'Hot Summer Day'