for Fractal Wings3/31/2005 c3 dreamshell
A very impressive story thus far. In my opinion, you should most definitely keep up this style, don't alter it based on the first couple reviews (although i agree with their positives). This is a very humanistic story and it's quite easy to imagine this in my mind. The crew sounds interesting as a whole and as individuals. I notice now that there are only a few of the characters delved into more deeply, but these are just the first few chapters, so I imagine (and hope) that we'll get to connect with the others similarly to Tom and Sarah. I look forward to reading more of this. :)
A very impressive story thus far. In my opinion, you should most definitely keep up this style, don't alter it based on the first couple reviews (although i agree with their positives). This is a very humanistic story and it's quite easy to imagine this in my mind. The crew sounds interesting as a whole and as individuals. I notice now that there are only a few of the characters delved into more deeply, but these are just the first few chapters, so I imagine (and hope) that we'll get to connect with the others similarly to Tom and Sarah. I look forward to reading more of this. :)
3/27/2005 c1 Will oooooo
Hey, thought I'd throw in a review before I lose the net for a few days. I'll post this on FP too.
First off, the diary format suits the story well, especially because it lends the main character anonymity while he goes into much detail about his crew. In effect, his character is created by his descriptions of others. That is a very fun thing to write and read.
The halfway point, when the exposition kicks in, is very fluid. The descriptions don't seem forced, and the character's reaction (in hindsight) to his reality is very well done. I think his somberness (is that a word?) is well played out, subtly and expertly. The intricacies of space travel are well explained, and I especially liked the description of the crew as it left the ship. (i.e. docile from long sleep.)
Since this is a chapter, the ending works pretty well. Although it does seem rushed. I hope that you will go into the discussions and the general state of things on a 'low-tech' world more in the future. That the character is an asthmatic is a nice touch too. I couldn't think of any type of person better suited for the life of a Spacer. It's an interesting combination of earth-borne affliction and lack of technology cancelling out the inherent danger and misery of space.
Good stuff overall! I hope to read the second chapter when it arrives.
Oh, I also really the liked names of everything. (Demeter, Ruby, Tyrhenna, First Landing)
Hey, thought I'd throw in a review before I lose the net for a few days. I'll post this on FP too.
First off, the diary format suits the story well, especially because it lends the main character anonymity while he goes into much detail about his crew. In effect, his character is created by his descriptions of others. That is a very fun thing to write and read.
The halfway point, when the exposition kicks in, is very fluid. The descriptions don't seem forced, and the character's reaction (in hindsight) to his reality is very well done. I think his somberness (is that a word?) is well played out, subtly and expertly. The intricacies of space travel are well explained, and I especially liked the description of the crew as it left the ship. (i.e. docile from long sleep.)
Since this is a chapter, the ending works pretty well. Although it does seem rushed. I hope that you will go into the discussions and the general state of things on a 'low-tech' world more in the future. That the character is an asthmatic is a nice touch too. I couldn't think of any type of person better suited for the life of a Spacer. It's an interesting combination of earth-borne affliction and lack of technology cancelling out the inherent danger and misery of space.
Good stuff overall! I hope to read the second chapter when it arrives.
Oh, I also really the liked names of everything. (Demeter, Ruby, Tyrhenna, First Landing)
2/17/2005 c3 Pepper123
This is good, well written and interesting. A couple of comments: you could maybe stand to be just a touch lighter handed on the long paragraphs of explanation about the world you've created. Also, I thought the section that was Sarah's journal was written too formally. It was difficult to distinguish it from the rest of the narrative, maybe writing it a bit more like dialogue would personalise it?
Anyway, just a couple of little suggestions, overall I really enjoyed this.
This is good, well written and interesting. A couple of comments: you could maybe stand to be just a touch lighter handed on the long paragraphs of explanation about the world you've created. Also, I thought the section that was Sarah's journal was written too formally. It was difficult to distinguish it from the rest of the narrative, maybe writing it a bit more like dialogue would personalise it?
Anyway, just a couple of little suggestions, overall I really enjoyed this.
12/14/2004 c1 
9Admiral Rupert
Greetings from GFAQs, Terragent.
Anywho, your writing style is good. You're one of the few amateur writers I know who can pull off the "dry" (and I mean that in the best possible way) voice without being boring; this story is most certainly not boring. The narrator explains the world around him without launching into overly-verbose explanations. It all seams together quite well. Great job, and I'll definitely be reading more.
Having you been reading Alastair Reynolds, by the way?
9Admiral RupertGreetings from GFAQs, Terragent.
Anywho, your writing style is good. You're one of the few amateur writers I know who can pull off the "dry" (and I mean that in the best possible way) voice without being boring; this story is most certainly not boring. The narrator explains the world around him without launching into overly-verbose explanations. It all seams together quite well. Great job, and I'll definitely be reading more.
Having you been reading Alastair Reynolds, by the way?
11/16/2004 c2 Rara Punk
Wow, very engrossing! I think you have only a few minor problems with you dialogue. One is that you try to explain the things the reader doesn't know about in the conversation. It is hard - especially in the part about psionic potential. You do need to explain what it is, but it just seems like Tom should already have some idea of what it is - perhaps you could have Tom 'jump right in' with "So you’re saying I’m psychic" - then Chryse's explaination for why he think's he has psionic potential and an explaination of it would seem more relevant. In parts try to make it less formal. Perhaps for each character you could come up with a few sayings like a tendancy to say 'um' or anything else you can think to add to just personalise the dialoge more. But very well written anyway - the dialogue isn't a major problem!
Wow, very engrossing! I think you have only a few minor problems with you dialogue. One is that you try to explain the things the reader doesn't know about in the conversation. It is hard - especially in the part about psionic potential. You do need to explain what it is, but it just seems like Tom should already have some idea of what it is - perhaps you could have Tom 'jump right in' with "So you’re saying I’m psychic" - then Chryse's explaination for why he think's he has psionic potential and an explaination of it would seem more relevant. In parts try to make it less formal. Perhaps for each character you could come up with a few sayings like a tendancy to say 'um' or anything else you can think to add to just personalise the dialoge more. But very well written anyway - the dialogue isn't a major problem!
11/6/2004 c1 Rara Punk
Awesome intro. I love your writing style and tone, it is so warm and even though you are talking about a different time, with different technology, the story seems completely natural. Your use of 'spaceship jargon' is great as you explain what each term is in the context of the sentence instead of raving on for a paragraph trying to explain yourself - it makes it seem that much more real. I'll get onto reading more after my exams :D
Awesome intro. I love your writing style and tone, it is so warm and even though you are talking about a different time, with different technology, the story seems completely natural. Your use of 'spaceship jargon' is great as you explain what each term is in the context of the sentence instead of raving on for a paragraph trying to explain yourself - it makes it seem that much more real. I'll get onto reading more after my exams :D