for DARK RIDER12/12/2004 c13 
11Erica Beth
hehe its kind of like Superman now! IU dont know if you are a superman fan, but Clark Kent pretends to be friends with Superman and always sets up times for Superman and Lois Lane to meet , when in truth it is him...hehe ok well I really like it so far!
A few typos, one I noticed "Newcents" well off hand I couldnt tell u how u really spell it but I know that that isn't it.
~Erica
11Erica Bethhehe its kind of like Superman now! IU dont know if you are a superman fan, but Clark Kent pretends to be friends with Superman and always sets up times for Superman and Lois Lane to meet , when in truth it is him...hehe ok well I really like it so far!
A few typos, one I noticed "Newcents" well off hand I couldnt tell u how u really spell it but I know that that isn't it.
~Erica
12/10/2004 c9 Erica Beth
Ok in the paragraph taht starts "evening Carla!. . ." after you say "the brown haired vender" put a line between the next dialouge becasue it is a differant person and it can get a little confusing...do u know what i mean?
And then at the end of Carla's line she needs a " beecause there is one missing.
"Sasha gave Carla the money and Sasha went on her way back to her home" you could probably take out the second "Sasha" in that sentence.
Lovely lovely chapter! I am hooked! ~Erica
Ok in the paragraph taht starts "evening Carla!. . ." after you say "the brown haired vender" put a line between the next dialouge becasue it is a differant person and it can get a little confusing...do u know what i mean?
And then at the end of Carla's line she needs a " beecause there is one missing.
"Sasha gave Carla the money and Sasha went on her way back to her home" you could probably take out the second "Sasha" in that sentence.
Lovely lovely chapter! I am hooked! ~Erica
12/10/2004 c8 Erica Beth
one thing i was noticing, I dont know how her family got their title and why she is Lady Rose. . .but one thing I know about monarchy and how the line goes is that if the person was born into a lord or ladyship then they would go by Lord/Lady and then their first name example. . .Lady Sasha. . .but if they were knighted then they would go by their last name...Lady Rose, and that title doesnt continue down to their children. . .so i dont know what Sasha knighted? or is her family just royal? because it apparently makes a diffence in the way people address them.
I love it! ~Erica
one thing i was noticing, I dont know how her family got their title and why she is Lady Rose. . .but one thing I know about monarchy and how the line goes is that if the person was born into a lord or ladyship then they would go by Lord/Lady and then their first name example. . .Lady Sasha. . .but if they were knighted then they would go by their last name...Lady Rose, and that title doesnt continue down to their children. . .so i dont know what Sasha knighted? or is her family just royal? because it apparently makes a diffence in the way people address them.
I love it! ~Erica
12/10/2004 c7 Erica Beth
I LOVE THIS CHAPTER! ahh DEREK! I think i will like him alot in the future. . .oh i was thinking about ur problem with using the same last name "Rose" for both of ur charcters. . .why dont you give Saria her middle name Rose and then have her last name be something else or Sasha? that way they both have the name Rose in it but, not the same last name! I dont know it was just an idea Erica
I LOVE THIS CHAPTER! ahh DEREK! I think i will like him alot in the future. . .oh i was thinking about ur problem with using the same last name "Rose" for both of ur charcters. . .why dont you give Saria her middle name Rose and then have her last name be something else or Sasha? that way they both have the name Rose in it but, not the same last name! I dont know it was just an idea Erica
12/10/2004 c6 Erica Beth
only one thing in this chapter, " the man looked from her to the horse and then backs to her" shouldn't it be BACK? not backS?
So good! I love the whole scent thing! It's true too, some guys smell so good, its hard not to smell them! *sigh*
~Erica
only one thing in this chapter, " the man looked from her to the horse and then backs to her" shouldn't it be BACK? not backS?
So good! I love the whole scent thing! It's true too, some guys smell so good, its hard not to smell them! *sigh*
~Erica
12/10/2004 c5 Erica Beth
I was just noticing this but you use the word VERY alot! there are tons and tons of other words out there that mean the same thing! Believe me, my friend got mad at me for using the word slowly to many times, and made me change them ALL! it CAN be done!
Very good! I am hooked! I hope you don't mind my writing comments! But I am definitly hooked and I cant wait to read the rest!
I was just noticing this but you use the word VERY alot! there are tons and tons of other words out there that mean the same thing! Believe me, my friend got mad at me for using the word slowly to many times, and made me change them ALL! it CAN be done!
Very good! I am hooked! I hope you don't mind my writing comments! But I am definitly hooked and I cant wait to read the rest!
12/10/2004 c4 Erica Beth
ok in the first paragraph of this chapter you say " to the back where her horse Swift Wind waited patiently." well in the last chapter u already mentioned that her horses name is swift wind. ect. . .so u could probably say "where swift wind waited patiently." and omitt the "her horse part" it's not necessary but its an idea to sound less repetitive.
Your sentences are a bit choppy, you could probably make them a bit longer, and more connected. . .oh wow i sound like my english teacher! eek!
In the 5th paragraph..."the counsel made a Bargin with. . ." bargin doesn't need to be capitilzed
Over all its still a GREAT story! I really like how she is taking over her fathers place as the "Black Rider" a bit like Zorro! I love it!
ok in the first paragraph of this chapter you say " to the back where her horse Swift Wind waited patiently." well in the last chapter u already mentioned that her horses name is swift wind. ect. . .so u could probably say "where swift wind waited patiently." and omitt the "her horse part" it's not necessary but its an idea to sound less repetitive.
Your sentences are a bit choppy, you could probably make them a bit longer, and more connected. . .oh wow i sound like my english teacher! eek!
In the 5th paragraph..."the counsel made a Bargin with. . ." bargin doesn't need to be capitilzed
Over all its still a GREAT story! I really like how she is taking over her fathers place as the "Black Rider" a bit like Zorro! I love it!
12/9/2004 c3 Erica Beth
ok the only thing I found wrong in this Chapter was in the Last paragraph "THere waited her horse Swift Wind who was a black mare." Should it be "there waited her black mare Swift wind." ? It seems to flow better to me...but im not sure.
Keep up the good work!
ok the only thing I found wrong in this Chapter was in the Last paragraph "THere waited her horse Swift Wind who was a black mare." Should it be "there waited her black mare Swift wind." ? It seems to flow better to me...but im not sure.
Keep up the good work!
12/9/2004 c2 Heather Elizabeth
aka...Erica Beth, did u know u can only submit one review per chapter? anyway. . . ok, well the paragraph about Carla, maybe say, "where Carla, a friend of the family, worked." because the way you have it now with "they were friends of the family" seems just stuck in there, not really a solid part of the paragraph
"Henry had fallen very ill lately. He was getting very old." you used two VERY's in two sentences right next to each other. There are other words you can use.
the paragraph about the black rider and how he gave the money to Carla and told her not to say anything about him, seems a bit odd. Wouldn't Sasha question it a bit? and Carla? doesnt she think it a bit strange? I dont know, just a thought i had...
So far its really good! Keep up the good work!
aka...Erica Beth, did u know u can only submit one review per chapter? anyway. . . ok, well the paragraph about Carla, maybe say, "where Carla, a friend of the family, worked." because the way you have it now with "they were friends of the family" seems just stuck in there, not really a solid part of the paragraph
"Henry had fallen very ill lately. He was getting very old." you used two VERY's in two sentences right next to each other. There are other words you can use.
the paragraph about the black rider and how he gave the money to Carla and told her not to say anything about him, seems a bit odd. Wouldn't Sasha question it a bit? and Carla? doesnt she think it a bit strange? I dont know, just a thought i had...
So far its really good! Keep up the good work!
12/9/2004 c17 Anti-Strategy
Woo hoo! You updated! It's so cute when Derek is jealous. XD I like your new style of writing, and I agree that the prose is much better in these new chapters.
Woo hoo! You updated! It's so cute when Derek is jealous. XD I like your new style of writing, and I agree that the prose is much better in these new chapters.
12/9/2004 c2 Erica Beth
"She walked down stairs" down THE stairs
ok this whole paraghraph is a bit choppy..."she went down th stairs...then she went back up the stairs. . . She went back down the stairs. . ." make more transitions. . .you used THEN an awful lot.. . .bell is about to ring...i will read the rest when i get home
"She walked down stairs" down THE stairs
ok this whole paraghraph is a bit choppy..."she went down th stairs...then she went back up the stairs. . . She went back down the stairs. . ." make more transitions. . .you used THEN an awful lot.. . .bell is about to ring...i will read the rest when i get home
12/7/2004 c16 12OneGirlRevolution311
YAY! That was probably my favorite chapter right along with the one in which Sasha kisses Derek. I would definately say your writing has improved! The description is richer in this chapter more than the others. You said the next chapter will be up tomorrow so...can't wait till then!I haven't got around to reading your other stories but I hope I will soon. I really want to read Clumserella!~*Nessa*~A rose for you,@-,-
12OneGirlRevolution311YAY! That was probably my favorite chapter right along with the one in which Sasha kisses Derek. I would definately say your writing has improved! The description is richer in this chapter more than the others. You said the next chapter will be up tomorrow so...can't wait till then!I haven't got around to reading your other stories but I hope I will soon. I really want to read Clumserella!~*Nessa*~A rose for you,@-,-
12/5/2004 c15 Anti-Strategy
I love this story! The thing with Sasha and the Dark Rider is so dramatic, it leaves me wanting to see what Derek's reacion will be when he finds out. Though, I'm sure he already has some suspicions ... update soon please!
I love this story! The thing with Sasha and the Dark Rider is so dramatic, it leaves me wanting to see what Derek's reacion will be when he finds out. Though, I'm sure he already has some suspicions ... update soon please!