for Tampa4/17/2005 c33 Katherine Hesnar
“go unpack now and call Matt now,” dumb sounding “and I closed my closet promising myself “ when did you open your closet? Or did I miss something?
“go unpack now and call Matt now,” dumb sounding “and I closed my closet promising myself “ when did you open your closet? Or did I miss something?
4/17/2005 c32 Katherine Hesnar
"When the bell finally rang, when we all said goodbye to the people we had spent a long time with the past week and got our things and went to our respective buses and went home for the first time in many days." -Ending sounds retarded
"When the bell finally rang, when we all said goodbye to the people we had spent a long time with the past week and got our things and went to our respective buses and went home for the first time in many days." -Ending sounds retarded
3/19/2005 c31 Katie Hesnar
The bit about looking over at Jessica and Jeff sounds a bit weird and doesn’t make too much sense.• Why is Mr. Steirer only worried about you and Mark with all the other couples out front there? Doesn’t seem to make any sense. Maybe make everyone else separate as well.• Wow, so Mark fell asleep in point five seconds? Fast.• “Deanna had called from a friend’s hour and she” typo again.• So do you stay mad at Jeff or what?• When did we find out the trip was going to be in the RV? You never told us that.
The bit about looking over at Jessica and Jeff sounds a bit weird and doesn’t make too much sense.• Why is Mr. Steirer only worried about you and Mark with all the other couples out front there? Doesn’t seem to make any sense. Maybe make everyone else separate as well.• Wow, so Mark fell asleep in point five seconds? Fast.• “Deanna had called from a friend’s hour and she” typo again.• So do you stay mad at Jeff or what?• When did we find out the trip was going to be in the RV? You never told us that.
3/19/2005 c28 Katie Hesnar
Maybe include a bit of the conversation with Jessica, like trying to hide from her mom why she has to stay in your room. And include telling her when you get in the room.• How soon is the ‘soon everyone was waiting’?• How did they find out that they were keeping Jessica’s family up? How close is their room?• So why do you accept this random dude? A connection? Or didn’t it weird you out at all?• What happened to Jeff, Jess, and Sarah talking to Anthony?• “around in the sand and getting in places where” at it between getting and in.
Maybe include a bit of the conversation with Jessica, like trying to hide from her mom why she has to stay in your room. And include telling her when you get in the room.• How soon is the ‘soon everyone was waiting’?• How did they find out that they were keeping Jessica’s family up? How close is their room?• So why do you accept this random dude? A connection? Or didn’t it weird you out at all?• What happened to Jeff, Jess, and Sarah talking to Anthony?• “around in the sand and getting in places where” at it between getting and in.
3/19/2005 c26 Katie Hesnar
Bad transition. When did you all start walking down the stairs? Did you not want to take the elevator, or did you all happen to be running late? How did you all end up there at the same time? Were people waiting for the others?• When did he catch up to you, were you already at the bus?• So, what happened with Josh? You didn’t clarify if it was an accident or not.• “What do you mean? The BSB obsessed me?” I asked. It sounds like the BSB obsessed you: how’d they do that? Sounds like fun!• So everyone seems to like listening on your conversations a lot.• Get off the bus, at least. It’s hard to sit at a table when you’re still on the bus. Oh, and thanks for letting us know you’re at McDonalds• Okay, I guess I finally have to tall you then,” Again, a typo.
Bad transition. When did you all start walking down the stairs? Did you not want to take the elevator, or did you all happen to be running late? How did you all end up there at the same time? Were people waiting for the others?• When did he catch up to you, were you already at the bus?• So, what happened with Josh? You didn’t clarify if it was an accident or not.• “What do you mean? The BSB obsessed me?” I asked. It sounds like the BSB obsessed you: how’d they do that? Sounds like fun!• So everyone seems to like listening on your conversations a lot.• Get off the bus, at least. It’s hard to sit at a table when you’re still on the bus. Oh, and thanks for letting us know you’re at McDonalds• Okay, I guess I finally have to tall you then,” Again, a typo.
3/19/2005 c25 Katie Hesnar
How long is a while later? This chapter doesn’t transition very well. It’s a bit to vague as to how long it’s been or what prompted you to go over there.• Again, passage of time between when you were talking to Jessica and when you hear the song on the radio is vague.
How long is a while later? This chapter doesn’t transition very well. It’s a bit to vague as to how long it’s been or what prompted you to go over there.• Again, passage of time between when you were talking to Jessica and when you hear the song on the radio is vague.
3/19/2005 c24 Katie Hesnar
The conversation wasn’t really finalized, and whose room are you in? How’d you get back in the bedroom? Did you ever leave? • Isn’t the bedroom in the back of the room? So why would Mike be walking by on his way out?• Was the Eli thing part of the plan? If so it happened two seconds after you decided it was. How much time elapsed between the plotting and the action?• So what was Mark doing the entire time you were talking to Mike? He could put in some input, or at least comment on you liking Mike.• Where did the Matt thing come from?
The conversation wasn’t really finalized, and whose room are you in? How’d you get back in the bedroom? Did you ever leave? • Isn’t the bedroom in the back of the room? So why would Mike be walking by on his way out?• Was the Eli thing part of the plan? If so it happened two seconds after you decided it was. How much time elapsed between the plotting and the action?• So what was Mark doing the entire time you were talking to Mike? He could put in some input, or at least comment on you liking Mike.• Where did the Matt thing come from?
3/19/2005 c23 Katie Hesnar
Whoa, you just walk into the room and all of a sudden you’re in the middle of a conversation? Plus, when did you tell the others you wanted to talk to them? You’re skipping around it feels like and it’s a bit hard to follow.• If you’re plotting against Jessica, why was she the one telling you the others were waiting for you?• Who designated Josh as supervisor? Why do they all seem so ready to break them up? WHAT’S GOING ON?
Whoa, you just walk into the room and all of a sudden you’re in the middle of a conversation? Plus, when did you tell the others you wanted to talk to them? You’re skipping around it feels like and it’s a bit hard to follow.• If you’re plotting against Jessica, why was she the one telling you the others were waiting for you?• Who designated Josh as supervisor? Why do they all seem so ready to break them up? WHAT’S GOING ON?
3/19/2005 c22 Katie Hesnar
What prompted Jessica to leave? Just her intuition or did you say something? Did she say something?• So why did Jeremy come into the room in the first place? Who is ‘everyone’?• Why are you so scared of Jarrett if Mark is sitting right there? Are you trying to get Mark to protect you again? Why didn’t Mark just jump out in front of you in the first place?• So did everyone leave? Did Jarrett end up leaving?
What prompted Jessica to leave? Just her intuition or did you say something? Did she say something?• So why did Jeremy come into the room in the first place? Who is ‘everyone’?• Why are you so scared of Jarrett if Mark is sitting right there? Are you trying to get Mark to protect you again? Why didn’t Mark just jump out in front of you in the first place?• So did everyone leave? Did Jarrett end up leaving?
3/19/2005 c21 Katie Hesnar
Okay, when is this? What just happened between the last chapter and this one? What’s going on? • She started calling me al this shit Again.• Mr. Steirer is talking to just you two? When did everyone else get there, and where are you anyway?• What happened to Mark after you got back in the room? Is it just you and Jessica?
Okay, when is this? What just happened between the last chapter and this one? What’s going on? • She started calling me al this shit Again.• Mr. Steirer is talking to just you two? When did everyone else get there, and where are you anyway?• What happened to Mark after you got back in the room? Is it just you and Jessica?
3/19/2005 c20 Katie Hesnar
Did Mark or Mike have anything to say about the Jess incident? Did Mike follow, or did he not care? Did Mark say anything?
Did Mark or Mike have anything to say about the Jess incident? Did Mike follow, or did he not care? Did Mark say anything?
3/19/2005 c19 Katie Hesnar
It really took you no time to change or anything, huh? And how were Jess and Michael sleeping? I would think you’d wanna check up on how they’re doing.• So the restaurant didn’t creep you out enough for some conversation about it? I think it was creepier than the bus driver was.• Once you get back, have Jess or Mike changed anything at all?
It really took you no time to change or anything, huh? And how were Jess and Michael sleeping? I would think you’d wanna check up on how they’re doing.• So the restaurant didn’t creep you out enough for some conversation about it? I think it was creepier than the bus driver was.• Once you get back, have Jess or Mike changed anything at all?
3/19/2005 c17 Katie Hesnar
So you just walked into the other room right? That took NO time at all. Give your conversation some more substance or something.• So how did you spend the night the night before? Give us a bit more to go on or something.• How was Mark prompted to ask that question?
So you just walked into the other room right? That took NO time at all. Give your conversation some more substance or something.• So how did you spend the night the night before? Give us a bit more to go on or something.• How was Mark prompted to ask that question?
3/19/2005 c16 Katie Hesnar
Anything else happen with the others at dinner? You are eating with a bunch of middle school kids you know.• Mention leaving the restaurant maybe, and getting on the bus and heading out. Maybe do it with small conversations or something.• Talk about how you woke up after being asleep or something.• Maybe describe the club or give it a name. Also maybe you can voice your confusion.• Another slow song started playing and Eli waked up. hehehe.• Maybe give us some more songs to go on and more about passing of time. First you’re standing there then all of a sudden another song is on and you’re dancing? Moving way to quickly without any detail for us to hang on to.• When did the laughing stop and did you talk to Eli when he asked you to dance?• Wow…. How does the party end? You all just automatically knew to go march back on the busses like robots? What time is it? What prompted it to be time to go?• Time passage while you were asleep?• What time is it that you’re going swimming? Maybe include the conversation with Mr. Steirer.• “We you guys already in the pool?” Mr. Steirer asked. Again.• How did the splash fight get started? Did they talk to you first or did someone just start splashing?• Okay, the McDonald’s thing is a bit awkward. And how does Chris randomly swim by at just the right time?• Where did Jess go?• WHOA! How did Michael find out you have hooked him up with Jess?• Who told you to get out and how? What happened in the passage of time from the pool to the rooms, where did Jessica go? Did you guys decide to change in different rooms or just go straight to your room?• Maybe include a little of what you were talking about and what Mr. Steirer said when he came in.
Anything else happen with the others at dinner? You are eating with a bunch of middle school kids you know.• Mention leaving the restaurant maybe, and getting on the bus and heading out. Maybe do it with small conversations or something.• Talk about how you woke up after being asleep or something.• Maybe describe the club or give it a name. Also maybe you can voice your confusion.• Another slow song started playing and Eli waked up. hehehe.• Maybe give us some more songs to go on and more about passing of time. First you’re standing there then all of a sudden another song is on and you’re dancing? Moving way to quickly without any detail for us to hang on to.• When did the laughing stop and did you talk to Eli when he asked you to dance?• Wow…. How does the party end? You all just automatically knew to go march back on the busses like robots? What time is it? What prompted it to be time to go?• Time passage while you were asleep?• What time is it that you’re going swimming? Maybe include the conversation with Mr. Steirer.• “We you guys already in the pool?” Mr. Steirer asked. Again.• How did the splash fight get started? Did they talk to you first or did someone just start splashing?• Okay, the McDonald’s thing is a bit awkward. And how does Chris randomly swim by at just the right time?• Where did Jess go?• WHOA! How did Michael find out you have hooked him up with Jess?• Who told you to get out and how? What happened in the passage of time from the pool to the rooms, where did Jessica go? Did you guys decide to change in different rooms or just go straight to your room?• Maybe include a little of what you were talking about and what Mr. Steirer said when he came in.
3/19/2005 c15 Katie Hesnar
When did you get to the restaurant? Any first impressions of it while just pulling up and going in?• I was standing in at that moment fro dinner again
When did you get to the restaurant? Any first impressions of it while just pulling up and going in?• I was standing in at that moment fro dinner again