for Of Things Past2/25/2006 c11 
7Alankria
'and I though still grieving for her town, and for Lawrie.' - I'm a bit confused by this bit. Do you mean 'thought' instead of 'though'?
'but it seemed that she was traveling on a dream.' - I love this expression, it really captures Arth's emotion.
'wondering if she has hung hope upon a ledge precarious as this one.' - 'has' should be 'had'
'I often wondered if she has some sort of second sight.' - 'has' should be 'had'
'If we were going Bourg' - Should be: 'If we were going to Bourg.'
Darn. Now there's no more left, and I really want to know what happens next. I hope you update soon!
7Alankria'and I though still grieving for her town, and for Lawrie.' - I'm a bit confused by this bit. Do you mean 'thought' instead of 'though'?
'but it seemed that she was traveling on a dream.' - I love this expression, it really captures Arth's emotion.
'wondering if she has hung hope upon a ledge precarious as this one.' - 'has' should be 'had'
'I often wondered if she has some sort of second sight.' - 'has' should be 'had'
'If we were going Bourg' - Should be: 'If we were going to Bourg.'
Darn. Now there's no more left, and I really want to know what happens next. I hope you update soon!
2/25/2006 c10 Alankria
Here: 'Ander noticed also that their' and here: 'Ander decided that question was general enough.', you call him Ander instead of Andric.
Short chapter but good, because the three have now met, but I wonder how this plays into the Ryne/Ryder plot.
Here: 'Ander noticed also that their' and here: 'Ander decided that question was general enough.', you call him Ander instead of Andric.
Short chapter but good, because the three have now met, but I wonder how this plays into the Ryne/Ryder plot.
2/25/2006 c9 Alankria
'for he dared no disobey the oracle.' - 'no' should be 'not'
'Help. He couldn’t know what the future held, or how extensively he would be needed. He could also not afford to leave his army for so long; he could not afford to lose his war. He paced around the stones, and he did all that he could do. He waited.' - At the beginning of this paragraph, I'm not sure why you have the word 'Help'.
'It was the body of someone shed known, someone shed grown up with.' - In both cases, shed should be she'd.
' I’d always wonder if wed searched a bit harder, or looked a bit longer' - wed should be we'd
'she whispered, rhetoric, anguished, But suddenly I knew, liked I d been struck by lightening.' - Firstly, the comma after 'anguished' should be a full stop (period). Secondly I d should be I'd.
'I would have to tell art,' - art should be Arth
'o find secluded place to live out my life.' - 'o' should be 'to'
Very good chapter. It's very sad what happened to Lawrie and the Andric/Ryne/Ryder situation is very interesting.
'for he dared no disobey the oracle.' - 'no' should be 'not'
'Help. He couldn’t know what the future held, or how extensively he would be needed. He could also not afford to leave his army for so long; he could not afford to lose his war. He paced around the stones, and he did all that he could do. He waited.' - At the beginning of this paragraph, I'm not sure why you have the word 'Help'.
'It was the body of someone shed known, someone shed grown up with.' - In both cases, shed should be she'd.
' I’d always wonder if wed searched a bit harder, or looked a bit longer' - wed should be we'd
'she whispered, rhetoric, anguished, But suddenly I knew, liked I d been struck by lightening.' - Firstly, the comma after 'anguished' should be a full stop (period). Secondly I d should be I'd.
'I would have to tell art,' - art should be Arth
'o find secluded place to live out my life.' - 'o' should be 'to'
Very good chapter. It's very sad what happened to Lawrie and the Andric/Ryne/Ryder situation is very interesting.
2/25/2006 c8 Alankria
'after knocked again there came a crash from within.' - 'knocked' should be 'knocking'
'and I knew it too be Arth' - 'too' should be 'to' ... I've noticed you make errors with these words quite a lot, and I'm not sure if this is something you've corrected in your writing since you wrote this, but just in case I'll give you a link to a friend's grammar guide which should clarify things:
http:/w.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1722620&chapter=4
'grabbing a turquoise shall from the edge of the table sitting by the doorway.' - Should be 'shawl', not 'shall'
'they were just making too easy for him. ' - I think you're missing a word here, say instead: 'they were just making this too easy for him.'
'The assassin looked over his work, his employer had not specified for only her death.' - The comma should be a semi-colon.
Exciting chapter here. I'm glad it looks like Aithne and Arth are alright, though I'm worried about Lawrie. I'm also a bit surprised the assassin struck so soon, considering what Brenyth was saying earlier.
'after knocked again there came a crash from within.' - 'knocked' should be 'knocking'
'and I knew it too be Arth' - 'too' should be 'to' ... I've noticed you make errors with these words quite a lot, and I'm not sure if this is something you've corrected in your writing since you wrote this, but just in case I'll give you a link to a friend's grammar guide which should clarify things:
http:/w.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1722620&chapter=4
'grabbing a turquoise shall from the edge of the table sitting by the doorway.' - Should be 'shawl', not 'shall'
'they were just making too easy for him. ' - I think you're missing a word here, say instead: 'they were just making this too easy for him.'
'The assassin looked over his work, his employer had not specified for only her death.' - The comma should be a semi-colon.
Exciting chapter here. I'm glad it looks like Aithne and Arth are alright, though I'm worried about Lawrie. I'm also a bit surprised the assassin struck so soon, considering what Brenyth was saying earlier.
2/25/2006 c7 Alankria
Ahh now I see how Robyn and the beginning comes into this, though I'm not yet totally sure about Ryder and Ryne's role in this. Things are definitely getting *very* interesting now, though. And I see that Brenyth knows he's not chosen. Hmm... good stuff!
Ahh now I see how Robyn and the beginning comes into this, though I'm not yet totally sure about Ryder and Ryne's role in this. Things are definitely getting *very* interesting now, though. And I see that Brenyth knows he's not chosen. Hmm... good stuff!
2/25/2006 c6 Alankria
'he head heard stories when he was small from his grandam' - 'head' should be 'had'
Interesting, interesting. Is the one who cannot see perfection Arth? Guess I'll find out.
'he head heard stories when he was small from his grandam' - 'head' should be 'had'
Interesting, interesting. Is the one who cannot see perfection Arth? Guess I'll find out.
2/25/2006 c5 Alankria
Oh, so she has more than one sister. Okay, regarding, my previous comment in the review: it should be sisters', then, not sister's.
'Even if I wanted too now, I couldn’t tell her my real name.' - Should be 'to' not 'too'
'I was staring at what Lawrie had brought up, I hardly caught anything else she said, there was so little food.' - The first comma should be replaced with a semi-colon
'Her feature’s were classic, as if drawn right out of a storybook.' - No need for the apostrophe in 'features'
'Lawrie laughs, but I looked at Arthuretta' - should be 'laughed', not 'laughs'
'She gasp, grabbed my arm, and yelling goodbyes to Arth' - should be 'gasped', not 'gasp'
'We have too get back to my house.' - Should be 'to' instead of 'too'
'She started off again, and I followed which I seemed to be doing a lot of lately.' - Should be a comma after 'followed'
Uh-oh, that's a worrying ending. An interesting chapter, and I wonder what role Arth will have to play in this.
Oh, so she has more than one sister. Okay, regarding, my previous comment in the review: it should be sisters', then, not sister's.
'Even if I wanted too now, I couldn’t tell her my real name.' - Should be 'to' not 'too'
'I was staring at what Lawrie had brought up, I hardly caught anything else she said, there was so little food.' - The first comma should be replaced with a semi-colon
'Her feature’s were classic, as if drawn right out of a storybook.' - No need for the apostrophe in 'features'
'Lawrie laughs, but I looked at Arthuretta' - should be 'laughed', not 'laughs'
'She gasp, grabbed my arm, and yelling goodbyes to Arth' - should be 'gasped', not 'gasp'
'We have too get back to my house.' - Should be 'to' instead of 'too'
'She started off again, and I followed which I seemed to be doing a lot of lately.' - Should be a comma after 'followed'
Uh-oh, that's a worrying ending. An interesting chapter, and I wonder what role Arth will have to play in this.
2/25/2006 c4 Alankria
'I could sell that for food if I had too.' - Should be 'to' not 'too'
'Shall we start after her yet M’ssire?' - Should be a comma after 'yet'
'Curious to what it could, be I started towards the door' - I think you accidentally put the comma in the wrong place here; it should be after 'be'.
'and we on the outskirts of the town.' - I think you mean 'were' not 'we'
'“Those are my brother’s rooms,” she said pointing to two pairs of doors, and at the third, “and that’s my sisters.' - Firstly, brother's should be brothers', and sisters should be sister's... see the apostrophe changes?
Wow, Lawrie sure is nice. I can't help but wonder if she has an ulterior motive, but I suppose that could just be my cynical side thinking that.
'I could sell that for food if I had too.' - Should be 'to' not 'too'
'Shall we start after her yet M’ssire?' - Should be a comma after 'yet'
'Curious to what it could, be I started towards the door' - I think you accidentally put the comma in the wrong place here; it should be after 'be'.
'and we on the outskirts of the town.' - I think you mean 'were' not 'we'
'“Those are my brother’s rooms,” she said pointing to two pairs of doors, and at the third, “and that’s my sisters.' - Firstly, brother's should be brothers', and sisters should be sister's... see the apostrophe changes?
Wow, Lawrie sure is nice. I can't help but wonder if she has an ulterior motive, but I suppose that could just be my cynical side thinking that.
2/25/2006 c3 Alankria
' One of the lead scouts, face painted black to blend in with the night,' - Generally, soldiers will not paint their face in solid colour. The idea of face paint is the break up the lines of their face; changing its colour from one to another will not have this effect, though it will stop the pale face showing up in the night. The best thing to say would be: 'One of the lead scouts, face streaked with dark paint to blend in with the night.'
'The he paused, and looked right into Kevan's eyes.' - You mean 'Then' rather than 'The'
In this chapter you don't give the word faerie a capital 'F', yet in the previous chapter you did. It's best to stick to one way of writing the word throughout the story.
Another good chapter, makes me wonder what these men are doing in the forest and who they're attacking.
' One of the lead scouts, face painted black to blend in with the night,' - Generally, soldiers will not paint their face in solid colour. The idea of face paint is the break up the lines of their face; changing its colour from one to another will not have this effect, though it will stop the pale face showing up in the night. The best thing to say would be: 'One of the lead scouts, face streaked with dark paint to blend in with the night.'
'The he paused, and looked right into Kevan's eyes.' - You mean 'Then' rather than 'The'
In this chapter you don't give the word faerie a capital 'F', yet in the previous chapter you did. It's best to stick to one way of writing the word throughout the story.
Another good chapter, makes me wonder what these men are doing in the forest and who they're attacking.
2/25/2006 c2 Alankria
'she looked like she was in danger of falling over there were so many jewels inlaid into her gown.' - I think this sentence would be better if you reversed the two clauses and said: 'there were so many jewels inlaid into her gown that she looked like she was in danger of falling over'. It flows better (in my humble opinion) and is also grammatically correct, which the previous version wasn't.
'At that, I half snorted, Brenyth wouldn't even need that excuse to send me away.' - The comma after 'snorted' should be a semi-colon instead.
Again, an interesting chapter, though I wonder how it relates to the previous one.
'she looked like she was in danger of falling over there were so many jewels inlaid into her gown.' - I think this sentence would be better if you reversed the two clauses and said: 'there were so many jewels inlaid into her gown that she looked like she was in danger of falling over'. It flows better (in my humble opinion) and is also grammatically correct, which the previous version wasn't.
'At that, I half snorted, Brenyth wouldn't even need that excuse to send me away.' - The comma after 'snorted' should be a semi-colon instead.
Again, an interesting chapter, though I wonder how it relates to the previous one.
2/25/2006 c1 Alankria
'and lovers picnics under weeping willows.' - Should be lovers', with the apostrophe after the 's'.
Interesting beginning. Makes me wonder what will happen next. Which I will now, of course, find out.
'and lovers picnics under weeping willows.' - Should be lovers', with the apostrophe after the 's'.
Interesting beginning. Makes me wonder what will happen next. Which I will now, of course, find out.
2/19/2006 c11 3deelio livingston
Hello, it is I again. I just finished catching up on the story, and I must say it is certainly getting interesting. The political shifting and pulling is intriguing; it seems almost authentic. I like the way you have unfolded the characters even more: you have used such a delicate touch, bringing little details up and letting them glitter in the "light" of the story one at a time.
There is only one thing...the chapters are rather short. Of course, I am guilty of this, as well :) I am enjoying the story, and await the next installment.
3deelio livingstonHello, it is I again. I just finished catching up on the story, and I must say it is certainly getting interesting. The political shifting and pulling is intriguing; it seems almost authentic. I like the way you have unfolded the characters even more: you have used such a delicate touch, bringing little details up and letting them glitter in the "light" of the story one at a time.
There is only one thing...the chapters are rather short. Of course, I am guilty of this, as well :) I am enjoying the story, and await the next installment.
1/6/2006 c8 Arkash
Suggestions are in square brackets: "Finally, after [knocking] again, there..." or, "Finally, after [I] knocked again,..."
Exciting chapter. I think the part when the fire begins could use a bit more description.
Good work! *_*
Suggestions are in square brackets: "Finally, after [knocking] again, there..." or, "Finally, after [I] knocked again,..."
Exciting chapter. I think the part when the fire begins could use a bit more description.
Good work! *_*
1/6/2006 c7 Arkash
"Ryder stared at his brother, that admiration that Ryne both loved and hated blatant,..." This sentence is a bit confusing.
So Brenyth is still plotting.
Good chapter! *_*
"Ryder stared at his brother, that admiration that Ryne both loved and hated blatant,..." This sentence is a bit confusing.
So Brenyth is still plotting.
Good chapter! *_*
12/19/2005 c11 19Lara Bykirk
I have two suggestions for you: first, talk more about Andric. He is a really intersting character, and it seems as though there would be more tension between him and the two women. Second, you might want to clarify the first paragraph. It doesn't make a lot of sense. Other than that, though, good chapter.
19Lara BykirkI have two suggestions for you: first, talk more about Andric. He is a really intersting character, and it seems as though there would be more tension between him and the two women. Second, you might want to clarify the first paragraph. It doesn't make a lot of sense. Other than that, though, good chapter.