for I Need11/17/2004 c1 Stories-have-souls
Cool, nice poem.
By the way, is there soemthing wrong with the website because I can't login.
Cool, nice poem.
By the way, is there soemthing wrong with the website because I can't login.
11/17/2004 c1 Wosie
That is really good. How long did it take you to write? it is exellent.
That is really good. How long did it take you to write? it is exellent.
11/17/2004 c1 Lowell Boston
I agree, this doesn't work well as a list format. I think you need to construct your lines using metaphors and similes. Perhaps work on the idea suggested by your first few lines:
I Hold you in my thoughts
when your arms are not there.
Be there for me
make me the shadow to your light.
miss me when I'm gone,
For I may be in the space between the stars.
Not great, but the above example has a visual element that you need to place into your poem, to 'paint' your ideas, your thoughts and feelings into your reader's mind. There's a lot of potential in this piece. Don't give up.
Lowell
I agree, this doesn't work well as a list format. I think you need to construct your lines using metaphors and similes. Perhaps work on the idea suggested by your first few lines:
I Hold you in my thoughts
when your arms are not there.
Be there for me
make me the shadow to your light.
miss me when I'm gone,
For I may be in the space between the stars.
Not great, but the above example has a visual element that you need to place into your poem, to 'paint' your ideas, your thoughts and feelings into your reader's mind. There's a lot of potential in this piece. Don't give up.
Lowell