for Frivolity and Fantasy12/6/2004 c1 
10AngelaiR
I must say, this is much better than the last poem I read of yours. please read and review. toodles ~trippyangel
10AngelaiRI must say, this is much better than the last poem I read of yours. please read and review. toodles ~trippyangel
11/27/2004 c1 alion a.k.a. negativnein
Hey boo.
This piece gives off multiple vibes that are difficult to pick up. In other words, it's hard for the reader to figure out what this is about perhaps because of the abundance of metaphors or because of the general twists and turns of the poem. Certain stanzas (or sections, since you haven't divided stanzas):
I’m going to find a dream,
a disconcerting solace
with gun smoke and half-notes
where I pass, unnoticed.
Give the impression that you're going to kill yourself and that's really the first line that spoke to me, that put an image in my head because I, being the average reader, could not break through the more generously worded metaphors. Other lines:
I’m going to find a dream,
and we’ll truly be,
ever and always,
a faraway fantasy.
give the distinct impression that you are regretting a lost love; What I like about that is it is very specific not in the number or specificity of the words, but the whole idea that words such as "fantasy" convey have become such an element of our culture that the reader immediately understands it.
As far as mechanics, it was pretty good, better than some of your other work. The only thing missing is the stanzas, but you can pick out where those would go and even if you left it as it is, they wouldn't be a huge loss.
So the final word is: Very good for a poem.
Hey boo.
This piece gives off multiple vibes that are difficult to pick up. In other words, it's hard for the reader to figure out what this is about perhaps because of the abundance of metaphors or because of the general twists and turns of the poem. Certain stanzas (or sections, since you haven't divided stanzas):
I’m going to find a dream,
a disconcerting solace
with gun smoke and half-notes
where I pass, unnoticed.
Give the impression that you're going to kill yourself and that's really the first line that spoke to me, that put an image in my head because I, being the average reader, could not break through the more generously worded metaphors. Other lines:
I’m going to find a dream,
and we’ll truly be,
ever and always,
a faraway fantasy.
give the distinct impression that you are regretting a lost love; What I like about that is it is very specific not in the number or specificity of the words, but the whole idea that words such as "fantasy" convey have become such an element of our culture that the reader immediately understands it.
As far as mechanics, it was pretty good, better than some of your other work. The only thing missing is the stanzas, but you can pick out where those would go and even if you left it as it is, they wouldn't be a huge loss.
So the final word is: Very good for a poem.
11/18/2004 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
Wow, you really blew me away with this, all of abstract detail and imagry created such a powerful mood and picture in my mind. I love this, please keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietWow, you really blew me away with this, all of abstract detail and imagry created such a powerful mood and picture in my mind. I love this, please keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.