for Of Pyralis8/23/2005 c8 
1Clodhopper
I dont know if you're still working on this story or not, but I will review it anyway.
Chapter 1: Careful of repeating "gatekeeper" at the start. it will stop the nice flow of your prose. I like some of the imagry. the Gatekeeper does seem just like an average joe who was put in that job. not professional at all. i hope that was the take you wanted with him. The girl...meh, dont know if i like her so far. interesting the thing with a gun.
Chapter 2: so far you seem to prefer titles to names. interesting style. interesting that you have this in present tense. "asks" "smiles" instead of the norm "asked" and "smiled." - "grandfather’s time." - need a quote after time.
Chapter 3: "She had known too many people like herself." i liked that line. also, it was a very good end to this chapter. the details were nice, very well done. kudos
Chapter 4: Careful now of repeating "Storyteller" too much. it gets stagnant.
Chapter 5: Im more interested in Ebony than the storyteller. he kinda tends to bore me a bit. "I daresay you haven’t either, my swindling fraud" - i liked this line as well. maybe i missed it but what is the connection between Ebony and Cathan?
Chapter 6: I thought the part about Fae was interesting in this chapter and it was ended well
Chapter 7: The dialogue in this chapter was natural, with the accent and everything. well done. "likeable voice" is a little vague, however.
Chapter 8: hmm interesting twist with the sudden arrest of our storytelling friend.
overall this was a very well done story
~Mack
1ClodhopperI dont know if you're still working on this story or not, but I will review it anyway.
Chapter 1: Careful of repeating "gatekeeper" at the start. it will stop the nice flow of your prose. I like some of the imagry. the Gatekeeper does seem just like an average joe who was put in that job. not professional at all. i hope that was the take you wanted with him. The girl...meh, dont know if i like her so far. interesting the thing with a gun.
Chapter 2: so far you seem to prefer titles to names. interesting style. interesting that you have this in present tense. "asks" "smiles" instead of the norm "asked" and "smiled." - "grandfather’s time." - need a quote after time.
Chapter 3: "She had known too many people like herself." i liked that line. also, it was a very good end to this chapter. the details were nice, very well done. kudos
Chapter 4: Careful now of repeating "Storyteller" too much. it gets stagnant.
Chapter 5: Im more interested in Ebony than the storyteller. he kinda tends to bore me a bit. "I daresay you haven’t either, my swindling fraud" - i liked this line as well. maybe i missed it but what is the connection between Ebony and Cathan?
Chapter 6: I thought the part about Fae was interesting in this chapter and it was ended well
Chapter 7: The dialogue in this chapter was natural, with the accent and everything. well done. "likeable voice" is a little vague, however.
Chapter 8: hmm interesting twist with the sudden arrest of our storytelling friend.
overall this was a very well done story
~Mack
6/6/2005 c1 9ice flyer
this is a pretty good beginning and i like the direction this is going in. your description of the girl is really good but i was just wondering why she would be so open with the Gatekeeper. if she really were to sneak in to a city i doubt she would just show the first person she meets all of her lethal weapons. how does she know that the gatekeeper will be sympathetic to her and decide not to kill her? i just think it's a little farfetched that she would be so careless. however besides that it's all very well-written and i like the world you've created. good job :)
9ice flyerthis is a pretty good beginning and i like the direction this is going in. your description of the girl is really good but i was just wondering why she would be so open with the Gatekeeper. if she really were to sneak in to a city i doubt she would just show the first person she meets all of her lethal weapons. how does she know that the gatekeeper will be sympathetic to her and decide not to kill her? i just think it's a little farfetched that she would be so careless. however besides that it's all very well-written and i like the world you've created. good job :)
5/17/2005 c1 w00t
hahahaha. im realy bored so oim giving u another review. the gym project is really stupid and i dont wanna do it. we need to write more of the circle story. bb.
hahahaha. im realy bored so oim giving u another review. the gym project is really stupid and i dont wanna do it. we need to write more of the circle story. bb.
5/14/2005 c8 bornhloweris that rt
oh yay. its another review for u. yeah. see u monday.
oh yay. its another review for u. yeah. see u monday.
5/14/2005 c7 Rorhatio
wahaahaa Daemon is hot! lol. wats he look like again? i lied wen i said i wasnt gonna read it til june. im just putting off doing all my projects ^_^ well this chapter was good but since i already read chap 8 i wont read it again. and if ur new characters a girl it has to be me! lol. hehe. ill go type more english rough draft now...bb
wahaahaa Daemon is hot! lol. wats he look like again? i lied wen i said i wasnt gonna read it til june. im just putting off doing all my projects ^_^ well this chapter was good but since i already read chap 8 i wont read it again. and if ur new characters a girl it has to be me! lol. hehe. ill go type more english rough draft now...bb
5/6/2005 c1 ME
ur trying to kill cat now...and ur ruining my house...but yeah. lol, no working on vis project anymore! U SMELL!
ur trying to kill cat now...and ur ruining my house...but yeah. lol, no working on vis project anymore! U SMELL!
2/17/2005 c6 the shadowrunner
u should thank me for giving u all these reviews. now u made me feel bad cuz i dont even have chapter two up...*sigh* o well. i promise to get a few chapter up during vacation...maybe even up to ur character. happy?
u should thank me for giving u all these reviews. now u made me feel bad cuz i dont even have chapter two up...*sigh* o well. i promise to get a few chapter up during vacation...maybe even up to ur character. happy?
2/17/2005 c5 the shadowrunner
ooh! hot guys! lol. hehe...its the part u were writing in english. one more chapter then im free! : )
ooh! hot guys! lol. hehe...its the part u were writing in english. one more chapter then im free! : )
2/17/2005 c4 the shadowrunner
ha...didnt really read this chapter! :P
ha...didnt really read this chapter! :P
2/17/2005 c3 the shadowrunner
yay! new chapter! ahh...i really need to work more on my rough draft. lol. i really dont feel like it. and i should work on chap. 2 too. *sigh* too many things.
yay! new chapter! ahh...i really need to work more on my rough draft. lol. i really dont feel like it. and i should work on chap. 2 too. *sigh* too many things.
2/17/2005 c2 the shadowrunner
ahh...where's the new chapters? u smell!
ahh...where's the new chapters? u smell!
2/17/2005 c1 the shadowrunner
w00t! kk...so it is better...red hankerchief reminds me of sparrow...potc. lol. anyways...i really should be doing my rough draft. o well...will continue to read!
w00t! kk...so it is better...red hankerchief reminds me of sparrow...potc. lol. anyways...i really should be doing my rough draft. o well...will continue to read!