for The One I Cannot See6/5/2005 c1 
86welchs828
I like the whole structure of the poem...that one line where you solely wrote "so" was really effective in stretching it out and emphasizing that you're really far away. I almost read that line as a whispy, disconnected word in my head. Good.
I can relate to this poem...only, the guy is less than a mile away...two years younger gradewise...different school...I never run into him, either, which is painful. So close yet so far, if you will.
Good luck with her and I really hope you see her soon...I know it's a killing feeling...especially if you start to drift apart...
Laterness,
-Paige :-)
86welchs828I like the whole structure of the poem...that one line where you solely wrote "so" was really effective in stretching it out and emphasizing that you're really far away. I almost read that line as a whispy, disconnected word in my head. Good.
I can relate to this poem...only, the guy is less than a mile away...two years younger gradewise...different school...I never run into him, either, which is painful. So close yet so far, if you will.
Good luck with her and I really hope you see her soon...I know it's a killing feeling...especially if you start to drift apart...
Laterness,
-Paige :-)
2/15/2005 c1 50MusicalTearz
Aww that's such a cute poem and I can truly relate too. The love of my life lives in Texas and I'm in England...Erg...goddamn fate and destiny is all I can say!
Nuff Love, Matteo
50MusicalTearzAww that's such a cute poem and I can truly relate too. The love of my life lives in Texas and I'm in England...Erg...goddamn fate and destiny is all I can say!
Nuff Love, Matteo
1/20/2005 c1 10gummie-bare
Wow... this so strong! I thought that it wsawonderful and emotional at the same time! i loved it! oh, and thinks for reviewing my poem :D it means alot when someone reads my things :D~gummie
10gummie-bareWow... this so strong! I thought that it wsawonderful and emotional at the same time! i loved it! oh, and thinks for reviewing my poem :D it means alot when someone reads my things :D~gummie
1/16/2005 c1 34Skiv
*hugs* Poor dear. I know a bit of how you feel. Just hang in there, it'll happen soon enough.
34Skiv*hugs* Poor dear. I know a bit of how you feel. Just hang in there, it'll happen soon enough.
1/11/2005 c1 31GracieLouBee
really good poem picked up the family and love fued problem straight away just wundering if this was true because i have had problems choosing between one and the other before luv n cudsCB
31GracieLouBeereally good poem picked up the family and love fued problem straight away just wundering if this was true because i have had problems choosing between one and the other before luv n cudsCB
1/10/2005 c1 17Olivia Muldoon
Sad. Is the one you cannot see no longer a part of this world? It is hard, losing one you love. Don't give up, and keep writing your poetry. If you write it out, some of the pain goes away. The rest leaves when you (or me, in this case) yell at yourself for wallowing in bad feelings.
Later,K.S. Night
17Olivia MuldoonSad. Is the one you cannot see no longer a part of this world? It is hard, losing one you love. Don't give up, and keep writing your poetry. If you write it out, some of the pain goes away. The rest leaves when you (or me, in this case) yell at yourself for wallowing in bad feelings.
Later,K.S. Night
1/5/2005 c1 ffffffffffffffffffffffff
Wow . . . I can really relate to this, the love of my life lives 757 miles away from me! Anyway, this poem is awesome, keep up the good work!
Wow . . . I can really relate to this, the love of my life lives 757 miles away from me! Anyway, this poem is awesome, keep up the good work!
12/1/2004 c1 Lost Inside
Seriously this is your first? DOesn't seem like it. You're really good. I like it a lot.
Lost Inside
Seriously this is your first? DOesn't seem like it. You're really good. I like it a lot.
Lost Inside
12/1/2004 c1 66lebuffle
I can relate well to this poem because I've been there myself recently. You've structured your piece very effectively - that's really evident. You've made a promising start.
Now for the help you asked for.
'with out' should be written 'without'.
I have a thing about punctuation and I tend to be very particular about it. I don't know whether in poetry, proper punctuation is law, because poetry is written art, and can therefore be anything you want it to be. But it is advisable to put in full stops where they would come naturally in other text, and a full stop is vital at the end of the poem, unless you're purposefully not putting one there for a particular reason or effect. When I read it, I tried to scroll down after the last line because I was expecting more, and it all finished for me rather bluntly because of it. I like the 'And soon' bit at the end; the fact that it's on a new line gives it weight and importance in the poem - that's a sophisticated technique. In this way it flows lyrically. I like your style.
I also like the line 'Between blood and love'. It's very powerful - a creative way to refer to family. As a general way forward, you can be more open and abstract about the content of the poem - don't feel so restricted.
For me, the tool of the trade is the metaphor. Similies are useful, too. You've probably heard the wind described as being able to whistle or whisper like a lost, lonely voice; the fire as being able to roar like a lion. But you can be more elaborate than that.
Metaphors are really fun. That's when you describe something as something else e.g. 'the fire is a roaring lion', and then going on to describe how the lion acts similarly to how the lion acts. Entire poems can be focused on a single metaphor, but you can merge metaphors into other poems if you're feeling clever, for some nice images and generally impressive stuff.
If you already know this stuff, I'm sorry if I'm being intimidating. But I reckon it'll help your poem-making if you take notice. ;)
Good luck. You've made a promising start.
66lebuffleI can relate well to this poem because I've been there myself recently. You've structured your piece very effectively - that's really evident. You've made a promising start.
Now for the help you asked for.
'with out' should be written 'without'.
I have a thing about punctuation and I tend to be very particular about it. I don't know whether in poetry, proper punctuation is law, because poetry is written art, and can therefore be anything you want it to be. But it is advisable to put in full stops where they would come naturally in other text, and a full stop is vital at the end of the poem, unless you're purposefully not putting one there for a particular reason or effect. When I read it, I tried to scroll down after the last line because I was expecting more, and it all finished for me rather bluntly because of it. I like the 'And soon' bit at the end; the fact that it's on a new line gives it weight and importance in the poem - that's a sophisticated technique. In this way it flows lyrically. I like your style.
I also like the line 'Between blood and love'. It's very powerful - a creative way to refer to family. As a general way forward, you can be more open and abstract about the content of the poem - don't feel so restricted.
For me, the tool of the trade is the metaphor. Similies are useful, too. You've probably heard the wind described as being able to whistle or whisper like a lost, lonely voice; the fire as being able to roar like a lion. But you can be more elaborate than that.
Metaphors are really fun. That's when you describe something as something else e.g. 'the fire is a roaring lion', and then going on to describe how the lion acts similarly to how the lion acts. Entire poems can be focused on a single metaphor, but you can merge metaphors into other poems if you're feeling clever, for some nice images and generally impressive stuff.
If you already know this stuff, I'm sorry if I'm being intimidating. But I reckon it'll help your poem-making if you take notice. ;)
Good luck. You've made a promising start.