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1/18/2005 c1 16End Of Trend
Though I can never write a decent or noteworthy responce (because I'm lame and Trite) I'll write a whole bunch of short ones and hope you still get the message. This is amazing work.
12/6/2004 c1 90poetic abortion
I like this. Very well done. ^-^

~ Noelle ~
12/4/2004 c1 285KittenX
Wow thanks Aneliz Rei for such a thourough response, it's such a rarity and I truely appreciate you stopping by!Now to answer your questions...

1. The first stanza is a prelude, not a quote and yes I wrote it. It's probably a little confusing, but it has grown on me.Think, the whole poem is narrator retelling a story right after having experienced it. The italized part is the narrator in the present.

2. It wasn't a spell check's fault, I wrote it late at night and didn't catch it myself. Thanks for bringing it to my attention!

3. Agh, that's a toughy, rephrasing it would totally screw up the rhythm/flow and the intention. I don't think -he replied- would work at all if you read it with -as snowflakes draped our bare heads-My intention was to sort of bring the poem down to 'reality' to contrast with the imagery, but I also wanted that reality to have a bit of mystery(what's implied?) and my personal sentimentality.

'dogmatic'...I think you meant, didactic ;)Thanks again.
12/4/2004 c1 38Aneliz Rei
I really like the slant rhyme element of this peice; it doesn't seem to contrived, but rather adds just a little something to link it all together.

Its a very visual piece. The images readily arose even at the first reading.

One question; two comments:

1. Is the first stanza a quote? I really like it, though I'm not sure where it fits in. It doesn't seem like a quotation, though its written as if it were, but I just thought I would check; if you did use someone else's work, you should cite it.

2. At the end of line 31, "than" should be "then". Its a minor typo, but just thought you should be aware, as spell check won't pick that up.

3. While I didn't necessarily feel this on the first reading, as I reread the poem, I felt as if the last stanza was perhaps a little weak becuase of its phrasing and/or punctuation. It's beautiful, and quite possibly my favourite element of the peice, but the phrasing's a little awkward. At the very least, nix the last line. Have you ever read a peice where someone wrote something awfully repetative like,

"xyz", she said."abc", he said."def", he said.

It gets repetative. So, either nix the "he said", or possibly just change it to something a bit more different from "I asked". So, you might replace it with "he replied". Its just sort a musical alteration. Alternately, you might try rewriting his line to "'No; just alone', he replied".

Please remember that all of this is completely subjective, and I'm sorry if I appear...dogmatic (Is that the word I want?)...in suggesting things. I know I've no right to go rewriting other people's poems! It really is a wonderful poem, and I like your other peices as well ('veonly read a few of them so far, though.) You are a very talented writer.

~ellsbeth
12/4/2004 c1 81Princess-anna57
Hm... this sounds like a story in a poem! Don't worry, I do it all the time. :) -Anna. :)
12/4/2004 c1 WarriorHeart
amazing. iloved it, it's going on my favs.

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