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for Dragon Eyes

5/6/2008 c23 4B. J. Winters
I’m torn on this one….I decided to review your last chapter – so I’m going to assume some context and comment on its quality alone.

Flow/pacing: The first paragraph is wordy. I’d trim it.

Odd Grammar stuff: It took one stupid servant to let the entire village to deafen these woods with their whispering an done farmer in his cups make wind of something that seemed, without thought or consequence, very silly. {awkward – I’d delete ‘to let the entire village’, and reword the rest, I think you have words you don’t intend here.}

In general, you use passive voice when you don’t have to. I’d like to see you use more action words. For example: He quickened his pace, breaking the ground with his steps {is great}. The boy was probably only just nodding his sleepy head awake, as it was only just daybreak on a rest day. {would be more powerful reworded as: At daybreak on the rest day, the boy nodded his sleepy head awake.} Don’t loose your reader in unnecessary fluff – say what you mean.

Dialogue: Overall I liked the phrasing between the quotation marks. You chose realistic speaking words and vocabulary. You also added some descriptive qualifiers that show me more of what is happening – so dialogue moves the story forward. I enjoyed the interaction with the horses as I could visualize it without having to know specifically the background of the scene (remember I’m reading this out of context). That said, you might want to lighten the description just a little – maybe trim 10-20% of the words between. It feels very heavy and in some cases was repetitive.

Example: He looked past her quickly and saw the stable boy meandering slowly toward them, looking at his dragging feet. {do I need to know anything more than another character is approaching – is there value in the “looking at his dragging feet” part?}

Example: She took her time smelling over her new friend and it seemed she would never stop. Then her searching nose fell upon the smell of sweetness in her hand and that is where the velvet muzzle came to a stop. {you could say this as one sentence in half as many words}

Grammar: Beyond her skirt of forest, the Naphterian mountain beheld a venerating meadow at her feet. {capitalize Mountain – and did you intend for the Mountain to “beheld”?}

Grammar: He mounted Black to rode toward her, his back straight, his hips moving with the motion of the horse {to ride?, OR and rode?}

Characters: The impression I have is that this chapter was intended as a turning point – to show the male characters softer connection to the female lead. I’m not sure I believe it. You “tell” me this on a couple of occasions in almost narrative form. I’d prefer actions or thoughts to be more visible in what the character shows me. You get close in this sentence - Instantly, in lee of her disbelief, she thought vile, mutinous things about him, wishing like mad that she had had a sword {lee?} I’d hone the perspectives – maybe see the change either internally to the character, or externally through observation. I think you might be blurring the lines and hitting the reader over the head with the transition.

Plot: 2500+words and they did horseback riding…..Again, I think you could have done the character development in half that and foreshadowed to the reader what to expect next. Right now I’m not sure what’s coming next – that could be good, or bad.

This has potential, so I might read another chapter later. Keep writing.
5/6/2008 c1 Equilibrium
This is fantastic! I love the parody of the classic damsel-in-distress-has-to-be-saved-by-the-oh-so-wonderful-price story. The idea that the fearsome dragon should be a tiny little creature is also brilliant. And then, of course, there are the little details like the bush (that Sir Wilhelm passed three times) that really add flavour to the story. The purposefully-cliched description of Sir Wilheim and Analise is also great, full of irony. And I adore Dalrinsica - I'd like a dragon like that too.

Keep writing! This is epic.
10/20/2006 c22 Arcadia Lynch
A the ever so graceful dropping of a sword that is all wrong for you.

And growing ears.

I must admit you are full of wit, and I would love to see more.
10/20/2006 c21 Arcadia Lynch
I wanna play with Wilhelm, Can I? Please, Please, please?
10/11/2006 c22 gabby
i am in love with this story!
8/22/2006 c1 34RhythmOfMySoul
Great first chapter! I loved how you did it!
7/17/2006 c20 13KimHua
Very nice. Little Ana's so sweet. :-)
7/14/2006 c20 gemini
story looks pretty cool. I've only glanced through ch. 20, but I'm going to have to read the rest b/c I have managed to confuse myself, lol.
7/13/2006 c20 Arcadia Lynch
It's been a pleasure watching this chapter grow as it has. Knowing now that little Ana wasn't a princess in the beginning is a bit of a shock. I love the way you portrayed her father. I also love the sad but sometimes cruel queen. Little Ana is enjoyable as fully grown Analise and I wouldn't change her for the world. An amazing flashback to her past. Before all the dragons came in and shook up her life.

Can I hurt the king?
7/9/2006 c19 quickmercury
Dear Ann,

I just finished reading your story. It made me cry. You are an excellent writer, and I do hope that you will continue this story. I can't wait to see how this turns out.

6/28/2006 c19 Arcadia Lynch
Gah! You tease!You have to write another chapter, QUICKLY. Love it, it's probably the best chapter yet. Really shows your range.I'm in like with Yzolan/Lazony. He's great. And I love that the two names are anagrams of eachother.
6/28/2006 c18 Arcadia Lynch
Lovely, simply lovely. I still think the transition of violent Wilhelm to they soft way he speaks is a bit sudden. I think it should have a little more force behind it. Screaming...something.Just my two cents.~D
6/27/2006 c18 chibbs
this is really interesting. I'm going to have to go back and read the rest. This ch. really caught my attention. Keep it up!
4/15/2006 c2 2JMDering
Beautiful story!

But,I just have to correct one thing: reins. What ou coltrol the horse with.

Im surprized, most of your horse stuff is dead on accurate...Ive had horses for the last 13 years and it annoys me when people try to write abit horses when they think a bit is the peice that you slap the horse with.
4/14/2006 c17 1SilvinArrow
Oh, this is wonderful. I wonder when both Wilhelm and Analise are both going to get over themselves and kiss and make up? Hm?

Hahahaha! Well, no matter, I look forward to following this story!

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