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4/10/2006 c17 Arcadia Lynch
*Sniffle* This is gonna turn out bad for him. *pouts* No Brother? I'm confused. What about The horse sniffing her?
4/10/2006 c16 Arcadia Lynch
Aww... The poor king. I like him... I wish he wasn't sickly. I'd ask you to give him some miracle cure but that's a bit of a cliche thing to do. So I'll just pout a bit. I wonder why he said fear is folly...
2/21/2006 c1 12Lccorp2

Archdemon Lord Duffikus:

Spelling is generally fine, although grammar is found to be wanting.

-"“I shall have her(!)” He exclaimed to his horse, making its head rise."

When you exclaim something, use an exclamation mark. It's only proper. Ditto goes shouted, screeched, anything that signifies a loud noise.

"With a quick snap of his fingers(,) the horse obediently came to his side."

"“Then why don’t I believe you(,) serpent?”"

Mortal, it is quite common for people to leave out commas. Tell you what, here's a trick which you can use. Simply think as if you were saying the sentence out loud. Whenever you pause for
2/21/2006 c15 Arcadia Lynch
E! E! E! Oh my gosh! I love the playful acting contest between them. It is wonderful. Your descriptions are lovely as ever too my dear.
12/24/2005 c2 2Adorian
Darling you seem to get better with this chapter by chapter! Since I'm new i'm not quite where everyone else is in the story but i'm officially in love with it already.
12/23/2005 c13 Arcadia Lynch
"She doesn’t look happy, thought Wilhelm as he gently pulled Tess’ rope from her hand. Yes, quite the understatement. At first he wasn’t sure how she would react. From what he knew of her—which was very little—she would not take this without a fight. This was just the calm before the storm. I think."

The 'I Think' seems out of place without the previous line beign a thougt as well.


"his brows knitted together"

Whould 'knit' work just as well, if not better. Just a nit-pick, i know.


"Why was she laughing?" should be in italics, it's a thought.


"as if confiding with a friend"

I think it sould be 'in' not 'with'.


"Analise looked over at him, fragments of laughter, nowhere near humorous, came to her throat."

This line made me go 'huh?' the first tiem i looked it over.


"his gaze bearing into her."

'Bearing' or 'boaring'(sp?)?


You should have transitions between the vision she's having and the 'real world'. Just to make it a bit more clear for teh common reader.


"Wilhelm had her by the shoulders as the fog lifted. “Analise.” ... “Analise.” As soon as he took a step toward her, her head shot up, he body relaxing. "

Both of those little quotes shoudl be questions, he is questuining her, seeing if she's still with him.


"Not yet anyway"

Yet should be emphisized, since Wilhem questions it in the next line.


"Dalrinsica gave him a shove. “Come on you silly boy!” she shouted. “You aren’t deaf, you aren’t dumb.” She tapped him hard at his temple. “You have a sound brain, start using it.” Her voice quieted in a deadly fashion. “And long ago you had a strong heart, but you refuse to use that too. Now, I ask you, do you love her?”

Wilhelm stared at her, unable to speak. He wasn’t prepared for this. “Do you love your father? Your mother? Your home, your life, your castle, your kingdom, or do you care only about yourself!”"

Should be one paraghaph, it is all Dalrinsica speaking. Otherwise it is confusing.


"which held within it a dagger"

Should be 'the' dagger.


"He knelt, catching her in his arms, awkwardly, with her arms hanging straight out."

Her arms? Or HIS arms? It's unclear and as such is a bit confusing.


"Be the person you once were, Wilhelm. The person he once was. Wilhelm paced back and forth, trying to figure out what just happened. Be the person he once was. He felt the dagger within his boot and pulled it out. He didn’t understand, it was just an ordinary thief’s dagger. He turned it over and removed it from its sheath, turning the smoggy metal blade in his hands. It could mean her life. He looked over at Analise and then replaced the dagger in his boot."

The quotes in here need Qotations around them. In my opinion, use the singe quotes, sinc ehe is remembering Dalrincisca's words.


Okay, yeah, I can get into the nit-picks if pressed to, but that;s what you wanted, and you got it. On a whole I LOVe this chapter. You need to get up to the other chapter you have written so your other avid readers can see it's utter greatness.
11/24/2005 c12 Arcadia Lynch
Brother? Aw... I would have likes to meet his brother, he sounds cool if Tess loved him.

You Evil person. How are they actually married if she just woke up from hr fever. *Gasp* He didn't. Did he?
9/4/2005 c2 4Tikvah Ariel
First off, its dying, not dieing.

You switch from Prince, to Sir, and then back to Prince. Just thought you should know. Although I seem to be finding a lot of little errors, so I'll keep from pointing them all out.

Its better, from the other chapter by far, most things tend to get better and more improved. But, its simply not catching my intrest, and I've heard rumour that all your other stories ahve a lot of relegious bits in them, so despite Ktti's wishes, I'm giving up on it. Good luck
9/2/2005 c1 Tikvah Ariel
Is it wrong to say the first part sounded extremly like Shrek? Not that thats bad, set me up for a either humourous or really cliche story. Just thought I should let you know...

Anyways, after the first few paragraphs, it gets cooler. His conversation with the enchantress is well done. Especially the 'boo'

Oh no, you just spent a paragraph describing your character. I hope she isn't a Mary Sue, because thats my impression so far.

Your dialouge is really good, and laced with humour, the dragon also seems well devolped.

Overall, not bad, I'll read more later
5/27/2005 c1 SweetAshley1500
wow! i am completely wowed! your writting is beautiful! i adore this story, and have put it in my favorites. I have read all the way to chapter 10 and i cannot wait for the rest of the story! i have a question though...didn't Analise stab Wilhem in the stomach in chapter one...when they first met? maybe i read it wrong.I just wanted to let you know how much i love this story and i wish i could write like you. your story pulls me in and keeps me in suspence!
5/27/2005 c10 3seimenena
I love your story! The characters are so well developed and I think that the plot is really intriuging!(sp?) great job on Annalise! Please update soon
5/26/2005 c10 Arcadia Lynch
Oh my gosh (what is a Gosh, I wonder), This Is such a great chapter. *hugs Millie, Ana and The cat* Yay! Update More, Woman!
2/20/2005 c9 7soccerfreak2516
srry i didn't review the last chapter... i've been insanely busy lately... I really like this story! Update soon! the only prob was a couple of typos that i saw... aside from that it was great!

once again, update soon!

-soccerfreak2516thx for reviewin my story! I updated yesterday if u want 2 keep reading.
2/7/2005 c8 Arcadia Lynch
Wow powerful right at the end... I like the description of her riding in the begining.. very nice.. Bon!
1/8/2005 c7 soccerfreak2516
I like this a lot! Update soon! Poor Wilhelm...he has no idea wut he's getting himself into...Analise isn't gonna b happy when she hears that they're gonna be married lolKeep up the good work!

-soccerfreak2516 p.s. if u hav time, could u look @ my story? (grr...srry if it seems like im begging, i just need a second opinion...)
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