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8/30/2008 c1 3scribbler-pie
hey, i added you to my favorite author list awhile back and decided to swing by and see how things are going for you. So fare they look good and i'm glad your creativeness is doing well! When I have time i'll go back and read some of your newer stories.

Write now i'm shamelessly advertising my first story on fictionpress. Stupid Mythological Creatures. Maybe if you have time swing by and take a look and tell me what you think of it, even if its not to your tastes. Certainly i'll do the same, when there's time.
12/14/2005 c12 7gingerbeer
Oh my gosh, that evil, evil man! He was definitely least suspicious character of all! Considering that, however, an experienced thriller and mystery reader might have guessed that already... I bet there's more twists in store, eh?

Again, you have brought realistic mentality into the thoughts of Mark Hunter before his entrance into the ward. I have a lot to learn from that: a character who knows less than the reader does at some point.
12/13/2005 c10 gingerbeer
I am reeling myself... The action is very well written in this chapter! I also love how Jones' personality is coming back to bite him in the form of distrust.
12/13/2005 c9 gingerbeer
I could tell there was definite foreshadowing in Goodison's making future plans. You were laying out a moment of calm before a mind-shattering event-I'll have to use that sometime!

You stayed true to the characters in their moment of shock; well done! I'm absolutely hooked at this point; so glad winter break's here! On to the next chapter!
12/13/2005 c8 gingerbeer
Your narrative and conversation are smooth, as usual.

One thing that confuses me though is how Hannah and Jones both thought that Dan Goodison was supposed to be next to Makin, even after Hannah had sent Colin to check on Makin for a moment. Could be my reading skills malfunctioning, though. I'll go back over that part just to make sure.

I love how Goodison forgets to mention what a good nurse Hannah is... twice. Makes the people realistic, all the talk but not always the deed. Also love the suspense you've created around Colin's being outside. Next chapter! Yay!
11/27/2005 c7 gingerbeer
Nice twist with Kobretze's treatment of Colin. One thing you should look at is this sentence: "He looked expectantly at Colin, who had frozen." At first I thought Colin was speaking, but when I read that sentence I assumed the last quote was from Jones, which in fact it wasn't. Jones cuts in later. A little confusing there, but otherwise, your dialogue is as realistic as ever!

Jones is a real monster. I swear he's insane!
11/27/2005 c6 gingerbeer
When you introduced the three shifts, I love how you placed the title in the middle and the daytime last. Really hammers in the idea of being awake at night and never seeing day.

I'm frightened by the leaf; does it mean someone was there? Spying? Or does it mean Goodison himself is shriveled from never seeing sunlight? Whatever it is, I'm disturbed too. Very nicely done!
11/12/2005 c5 gingerbeer
*cheers for Colin* Kobretze is so openly seductive even I had to lean back for a moment. Again, I love your narrative. There's narrative when there needs to be, and there's dialogue when there needs to be. Extremely realistic. They laugh at the right time, blush and feign indifference at the right time. How do you do it? Make the dialogue so real?

On to chapter 6!
11/12/2005 c4 gingerbeer
Loved the revealing flashback about Jones! Good choice of repetition. Chapter 5 here I come!
10/27/2005 c12 9Michael Gerard
Ahh so Hughes killed Colin! OK. It could have been Jones, as you so ingeniously tried to lead one to believe earlier. Good job on the dialogue in Chapter 10. And I like how you've linked the epilogue to the prologue. I only think that it is stupid on Goodison's part to go breaking his way violently into the office of a man who thinks him a murderer.

Perhaps explore Hughes' motive more?

Apart from that, you've ended this story excellently so well done.
10/22/2005 c3 7gingerbeer
I noticed you are very good with switching scenes. I've got to learn some of that... One ting I'd change in yoru first paragraph is from "As he was over by..." to "While (he was) over by..."

I liked the witty subtlety in the first sentence of the second paragraph, very nice!

Again, beautifully real dialogue! I'm dying to know why Jon despises the poor guy...
10/22/2005 c2 gingerbeer
I love your sarcastic narration; it's so full of oxymorons! I.e. "spectacularly losing".

Was the exclamation mark and comma after "looking immediately away again" a mistake?

In the sentence "The rest he had deduced from looking at his face," you have a "he" and a "his." After reading three paragraphs, I think I've got who the patient is and who his caretaker is down, but when I first read this sentence I thought Goodison could tell by looking at his own face.

I've never heard "rate" used in place of "like." Thanks for teaching me something new. Are you British?

Loved phrases like "senile hospital" and "whoever was in charge."

Nice nickname! "Lip Ripper."

Wow, realistic dialogue! You don't see that very often on ficionpress, eh? I was so surprised when I just read right through that dialogue; it was so realistic! How do you create dialogue and fine-tune it?

One thing you might want to check is "he's never seen anything this *bad?* in his life before."

"It goes way beyond a *bit* harsh!"

Loved this sentence: "He spoke with a quiet authority that made Goodison calm down and Jones get lost." Again, a very witty narrative you've got here!
6/21/2005 c1 9Michael Gerard
Hi. This is good. I especially like the one-word sentences such as "Turned. Click." And the 'thoughts'- in particular the one on the last line - are very effective and suggest a great sense of mystery and secrecy. I have to say that (had i not read this all loads of times before) this prologue would really make me want to read more. This brings me onto my final point - FINISH the story! It's turturous of you to leave us all gripped in suspense like this. Keep it up!
5/24/2005 c1 7gingerbeer
This beginning got me hook line, and sinker. Amazing projection of fear into the reader, and it's left me asking questions. His thoughts were extremely realistic!
5/10/2005 c2 MichaelMyersFan
Oh, how childish these characters are in all their squabbles! Please try to use less capital letters, there are other methods to demonstrate volume, such as italics. You've used it too much here and it just looks messy and rather amateurish. I don't think a description of the hospital - and its future plans - are entirely necessary either. Also why does Goodison snap at Jones for answering as question he posed to him? "What the hell happened here?" "Boxing match..." "Look Jon, maybe he had a bad night..." It doesn't seem very plausible. Perhaps state that Goodison was not directing the question at Jones, if this is what you wanted? and the use of the exclamation mark in the opening paragraph ("often looking immediately away again!") is clumsy. Other than that it's ok, in general.
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