for my scorsese days10/24/2010 c5 
11HiddenFromYou
You build up to the ending of this poem really well, by not building up to it, if you know what I mean. You don't give the reader any indication that you're going to go down the route you go down, but the ending still fits into the poem. You therefore have a really good ending and one that made me really think. Plus it's also a pretty cool line. :P
"she'd be standing in line/still standing in line/your line" - These three lines in the middle of the poem really slowed the flow down, just when it should have sped up. It does this through the repetition of 'standing' and 'line'. You could mix up the word you use here and there to get a fresher feel.
-From the Review Marathon (link in my profile)
11HiddenFromYouYou build up to the ending of this poem really well, by not building up to it, if you know what I mean. You don't give the reader any indication that you're going to go down the route you go down, but the ending still fits into the poem. You therefore have a really good ending and one that made me really think. Plus it's also a pretty cool line. :P
"she'd be standing in line/still standing in line/your line" - These three lines in the middle of the poem really slowed the flow down, just when it should have sped up. It does this through the repetition of 'standing' and 'line'. You could mix up the word you use here and there to get a fresher feel.
-From the Review Marathon (link in my profile)
10/24/2010 c4 HiddenFromYou
In my opinion this is the best so far. You put a lot of emotion into few words and manage to pull it off well. The simplicity of the language you use is what puts across the power and I really like that.
"that the only thing it seems to do is hurt?" - I found this line a little awkward though, as I had to read it a few times within the context for me to read it as not having a grammatical error. It doesn't, but it reads as if it does, and I think you could make it a bit smoother.
There's a nice ending also, one that I can personally relate to, which is always a plus for me when reading.
-From the Review Marathon (link in my profile)
In my opinion this is the best so far. You put a lot of emotion into few words and manage to pull it off well. The simplicity of the language you use is what puts across the power and I really like that.
"that the only thing it seems to do is hurt?" - I found this line a little awkward though, as I had to read it a few times within the context for me to read it as not having a grammatical error. It doesn't, but it reads as if it does, and I think you could make it a bit smoother.
There's a nice ending also, one that I can personally relate to, which is always a plus for me when reading.
-From the Review Marathon (link in my profile)
10/24/2010 c3 HiddenFromYou
The repetition of 'always' in two consecutive lines throws the flow of this poem off a bit. It works fine if, like in the 6th and 8th lines, there's a space between them, but having a word like that repeated right after itself makes the poem seem jumpy.
I do, however, like the flow and feel of this poem and the message you're delivering is a very powerful and well presented one. I feel like I can understand the deeper meaning behind the words without having to really work.
-From the Review Marathon (link in my profile)
The repetition of 'always' in two consecutive lines throws the flow of this poem off a bit. It works fine if, like in the 6th and 8th lines, there's a space between them, but having a word like that repeated right after itself makes the poem seem jumpy.
I do, however, like the flow and feel of this poem and the message you're delivering is a very powerful and well presented one. I feel like I can understand the deeper meaning behind the words without having to really work.
-From the Review Marathon (link in my profile)
10/24/2010 c2 HiddenFromYou
I think my favourite part of this poem are the two opening lines. They set up a wonderful picture and really hold an air of mystery that carries over into the rest of it.
I feel that you're trying to have a kick-in-the-gut ending here, but I find it a little too cliche to have that effect on me personally.
I like the fact that you don't use capital letters at the beginnings of your lines. Not sure why, I just like how it sets the poem off. :P
-From the Review Marathon (link in my profile)
I think my favourite part of this poem are the two opening lines. They set up a wonderful picture and really hold an air of mystery that carries over into the rest of it.
I feel that you're trying to have a kick-in-the-gut ending here, but I find it a little too cliche to have that effect on me personally.
I like the fact that you don't use capital letters at the beginnings of your lines. Not sure why, I just like how it sets the poem off. :P
-From the Review Marathon (link in my profile)
10/24/2010 c1 HiddenFromYou
I like the way you refer to the teenager at 'it'. Even though you were obviously using the teenager as a metaphor for Earth, by using 'it' you managed to both personify the Earth and depersonify it, if you know what I mean. I really liked that, as it creates conflicting emotions.
I didn't really like the ending of this though. You built up some lovely imagery throughout the rest of the piece, and the ending seemed more ordinary, which I don't think does justice to the poem.
One final thing, if you want to put emphasise on words, use italics, bold, or underline them, don't put them in all uppercase.
-From the Review Marathon (link in my profile)
I like the way you refer to the teenager at 'it'. Even though you were obviously using the teenager as a metaphor for Earth, by using 'it' you managed to both personify the Earth and depersonify it, if you know what I mean. I really liked that, as it creates conflicting emotions.
I didn't really like the ending of this though. You built up some lovely imagery throughout the rest of the piece, and the ending seemed more ordinary, which I don't think does justice to the poem.
One final thing, if you want to put emphasise on words, use italics, bold, or underline them, don't put them in all uppercase.
-From the Review Marathon (link in my profile)
2/12/2008 c1 871no.peace.los.angeles
You know, I've seen a few people here do this very thing - have a collection of tidbits of poems, things that didn't quite come together, whatever - and I'm thinking I should do the same. Hmm. At least get the stuff out there, see if anyone could finish the piece. Anyway. First one: This is cute. Humor in the midst of an apocalypse. Classic. Keep writing! :)
871no.peace.los.angelesYou know, I've seen a few people here do this very thing - have a collection of tidbits of poems, things that didn't quite come together, whatever - and I'm thinking I should do the same. Hmm. At least get the stuff out there, see if anyone could finish the piece. Anyway. First one: This is cute. Humor in the midst of an apocalypse. Classic. Keep writing! :)
11/12/2007 c22 46aberlemno
I went to this one first because the title interested me. I love these lines in particular :"that it was just a mistake, so easy to make/ so convenient to fake." And I like the way you use the flashing between viewpoints at the start.
46aberlemnoI went to this one first because the title interested me. I love these lines in particular :"that it was just a mistake, so easy to make/ so convenient to fake." And I like the way you use the flashing between viewpoints at the start.
11/4/2007 c51 lucidspiritdreamer7
Who is this regarding to? I can relate but only because someone murdered my little brother over ten years ago they still have no awnsers,and though my mom wrote a book about what we went through while he was missing and after we found out, we still feel cheated, We still want Answers. "Who, and why?"but well written my friend.
Who is this regarding to? I can relate but only because someone murdered my little brother over ten years ago they still have no awnsers,and though my mom wrote a book about what we went through while he was missing and after we found out, we still feel cheated, We still want Answers. "Who, and why?"but well written my friend.
11/4/2007 c52 lucidspiritdreamer7
This is dfeep but i don't Fully understad it.Who or what inspires this?
This is dfeep but i don't Fully understad it.Who or what inspires this?
11/4/2007 c53 lucidspiritdreamer7
This sounds like you have been haunted by that painful memory, may I ask you who ,or what inspired this?
This sounds like you have been haunted by that painful memory, may I ask you who ,or what inspired this?