6/3/2005 c1 Nightmare-Chibi
Hm...It sounds interesting so far... JUst a little hard to figure out... Maybe you should try adding more details and a little less speach? Just a thought... Sounds nice so far though. ^_^ Write more!
Hm...It sounds interesting so far... JUst a little hard to figure out... Maybe you should try adding more details and a little less speach? Just a thought... Sounds nice so far though. ^_^ Write more!
5/4/2005 c2 4ILuvBubbles
Hey thats not cool! No second chapter? I ought to hurt you for that. hurry up and write something!
Hey thats not cool! No second chapter? I ought to hurt you for that. hurry up and write something!
5/4/2005 c1 ILuvBubbles
ok. This was weird and fast. I don't understand exactly what's going on.The story has an overall air of mystery but you have to read in between the lines to get it. It seems like the plot of the story has potential and all you have to do is describe some more. You know, make the characters come to life. Give them a personality. This story could go anyway you like. It could be myserious or suspensful you could even add hummor if you like. I do like it. Like I said before, it has tons of potential. Heres a bit of advice: If you come up with a great idea for a story, just go with it. Make it what you want. Create your own worlds and have fun! Otherwise, what's the point of writing? I'm going to shut up now and read the rest of your story.
ok. This was weird and fast. I don't understand exactly what's going on.The story has an overall air of mystery but you have to read in between the lines to get it. It seems like the plot of the story has potential and all you have to do is describe some more. You know, make the characters come to life. Give them a personality. This story could go anyway you like. It could be myserious or suspensful you could even add hummor if you like. I do like it. Like I said before, it has tons of potential. Heres a bit of advice: If you come up with a great idea for a story, just go with it. Make it what you want. Create your own worlds and have fun! Otherwise, what's the point of writing? I'm going to shut up now and read the rest of your story.
5/3/2005 c1 IllusionKat
It's pretty good..you could use some more desciptions though..physical traits of the characters, how they're saying things (happily, urgently, etc) also, try to prolong the period of time that the officers are talking to them..so it seems like they have at least some trust in them before leaving. Maybe throw in a whispered conversation between children in the van on the way to the service station. Well..yeah..thats my two cents..oh..and type out numevers such as : seven rather than 7..Kat
It's pretty good..you could use some more desciptions though..physical traits of the characters, how they're saying things (happily, urgently, etc) also, try to prolong the period of time that the officers are talking to them..so it seems like they have at least some trust in them before leaving. Maybe throw in a whispered conversation between children in the van on the way to the service station. Well..yeah..thats my two cents..oh..and type out numevers such as : seven rather than 7..Kat
4/9/2005 c1 20Lilliana Krishante
Your story starts very abrupt and things happen so fast. It's a shame because I think it could be a really good story. It has a lot of potential. Though a lot of background is needed. Otherwise keep up the good work!
Your story starts very abrupt and things happen so fast. It's a shame because I think it could be a really good story. It has a lot of potential. Though a lot of background is needed. Otherwise keep up the good work!
3/14/2005 c1 Laura
I think it is a good start to what could be a great story. Keep writing!
I think it is a good start to what could be a great story. Keep writing!
2/19/2005 c1 22Mi.Ishi
The introduction is too hurried, and the plot is very faint so far, which might make it seem a tad boring, although it is very action filled. You may want to put a detailed summary at the top, so readers have an idea where you may be going with this. You haven't explained what so ever what the policemen were doing, and although they were arresting the kids in the house, they're kids, and I don't think that they would treat them like hardened criminals.So, in conclusion, slow down. You have time to capture your audience, so you can detail things more, talk about where the kids might be sitting, who the policemen arrested first. Oh, and also, try to resist the temptation of switching the points of views so quickly. Stick with the main characters of the story, limiting to three people, though two is better. Talk about how characters might be feeling, etc.All in all, it has potential, if you give it the deserved time and effort :)
The introduction is too hurried, and the plot is very faint so far, which might make it seem a tad boring, although it is very action filled. You may want to put a detailed summary at the top, so readers have an idea where you may be going with this. You haven't explained what so ever what the policemen were doing, and although they were arresting the kids in the house, they're kids, and I don't think that they would treat them like hardened criminals.So, in conclusion, slow down. You have time to capture your audience, so you can detail things more, talk about where the kids might be sitting, who the policemen arrested first. Oh, and also, try to resist the temptation of switching the points of views so quickly. Stick with the main characters of the story, limiting to three people, though two is better. Talk about how characters might be feeling, etc.All in all, it has potential, if you give it the deserved time and effort :)
1/27/2005 c1 8LucKyGrAyeS
oh my gosh this is so cute! i wonder why the children were kidnapped by the cops? john and kayla seem like really nice people :) i hope that you post more soon on this story!
oh my gosh this is so cute! i wonder why the children were kidnapped by the cops? john and kayla seem like really nice people :) i hope that you post more soon on this story!
1/5/2005 c1 1Stargaezr
Pretty good start off to something! Why were the police chasing after them? Can't wait til the second Chapter! (There will be one, right?)~Steve
Pretty good start off to something! Why were the police chasing after them? Can't wait til the second Chapter! (There will be one, right?)~Steve
1/1/2005 c1 29white-clouds
Thanks for reviewing my piece!I noticed that you post this one up again. You know, you have an interesting plot. But there's something missing. I read it but I got a bit lost at the end. Don't give up just because you get one review. Keep writing and improving yourself, then you'll start to see a difference.
Thanks for reviewing my piece!I noticed that you post this one up again. You know, you have an interesting plot. But there's something missing. I read it but I got a bit lost at the end. Don't give up just because you get one review. Keep writing and improving yourself, then you'll start to see a difference.
12/29/2004 c1 27kristhegreat
yay it's back! As you know, i LOVE your story... I'm so glad it's back! don't give up hun, it'll get its recognition! It's very suspenseful, and I like how you put lots of little details in, like their ages and such... and you work it into the story... GREAT! keep up the good work! ~Christi :P
yay it's back! As you know, i LOVE your story... I'm so glad it's back! don't give up hun, it'll get its recognition! It's very suspenseful, and I like how you put lots of little details in, like their ages and such... and you work it into the story... GREAT! keep up the good work! ~Christi :P