for Ally4/17/2006 c5 Shadowed Echo
And she never even noticed the money was gone? Srry... i like making annoying comments.. The story is very interesting.
And she never even noticed the money was gone? Srry... i like making annoying comments.. The story is very interesting.
3/25/2005 c5 through these jaded eyes
aw this is such a sweet story. i love how he admires her from afar and she just waits. maybe she should start imagining things about him?
aw this is such a sweet story. i love how he admires her from afar and she just waits. maybe she should start imagining things about him?
3/9/2005 c3 
1zzaku
Err.. Ah.. Umm.. Hmm, hm. No matter how amazingly handsome a robber is right, you don't let him talk to you and rock you to sleep. Just can't happen. No. Impossible. And when someone is robbing you, would you say:
"Of course I think you’re a psycho!Who breaks into an apartment in the middle of the night then when he finds that some one’s home attacks her? Wouldn’t the best choice be to get out of the house? Without having a witness?"
That's a wee bit long eh? First thought would be "Oh my god, I'm going to die." Or something, then you start to hyperventilate and the adrenaline kicks into the system. What a person does next is random, but not fall asleep.. It's too fast to add in romance, and the wrong time. More~
1zzakuErr.. Ah.. Umm.. Hmm, hm. No matter how amazingly handsome a robber is right, you don't let him talk to you and rock you to sleep. Just can't happen. No. Impossible. And when someone is robbing you, would you say:
"Of course I think you’re a psycho!Who breaks into an apartment in the middle of the night then when he finds that some one’s home attacks her? Wouldn’t the best choice be to get out of the house? Without having a witness?"
That's a wee bit long eh? First thought would be "Oh my god, I'm going to die." Or something, then you start to hyperventilate and the adrenaline kicks into the system. What a person does next is random, but not fall asleep.. It's too fast to add in romance, and the wrong time. More~
3/9/2005 c2 zzaku
I like the idea, it's interesting. But the development! AH~ What did Jake look like? Adding some details on how he hacked in would be nice. How did Ally cook? Well? or did she blow up the kitchen a few times. Ally's friends also seem to have no name, and usually people don't greet friends saying "Hi! Welcome! Welcome!" The whole dinner thing didn't really move the story anywhere, other than saying she cooks, has a nice apartment, and cool friends. More~
I like the idea, it's interesting. But the development! AH~ What did Jake look like? Adding some details on how he hacked in would be nice. How did Ally cook? Well? or did she blow up the kitchen a few times. Ally's friends also seem to have no name, and usually people don't greet friends saying "Hi! Welcome! Welcome!" The whole dinner thing didn't really move the story anywhere, other than saying she cooks, has a nice apartment, and cool friends. More~
3/9/2005 c1 zzaku
Wow, okay.. Not to be a harda** or anything (I'm a lousy writer), but usually people like as much character and setting development in the first chapter as possible. But this didn't really do it for me, I couldn't really draw out any clear pictures of the story. Doing this kind of writing in fan fiction is fine, but original fiction requires more writing. The spelling error within the second paragraph was also an ill omen. I'll be glad to be your proof reader in future. I think you should really re-write this chap though, or few people would go beyond this one. More~
Wow, okay.. Not to be a harda** or anything (I'm a lousy writer), but usually people like as much character and setting development in the first chapter as possible. But this didn't really do it for me, I couldn't really draw out any clear pictures of the story. Doing this kind of writing in fan fiction is fine, but original fiction requires more writing. The spelling error within the second paragraph was also an ill omen. I'll be glad to be your proof reader in future. I think you should really re-write this chap though, or few people would go beyond this one. More~
2/27/2005 c5 Lilly
Its so great please write more soon. You have a wonderful talent in writing trust me.
Its so great please write more soon. You have a wonderful talent in writing trust me.