for The Guns Go Off8/29/2010 c1 
19Eternal Skies
"While I sit huddled in a corner, I count nothing mine." to this line, everything in the poem was okay. From thereafter, the rhyming was forced and superfluous. And even the lines before would've survived having lesser words just to create a distinct rhythm.
"Why are you so blind?
Open your eyes and you'll see what you'll find." this doesn't make sense at all to me. Open your eyes and you'll see what you'll find sounded (no offense meant) silly. I know what you're trying to say, and that you had to make these words this way so it rhymes but think of either finding a substitute or delete them.
"You've got clothes on your back and food in your belly,
While I'm lucky to wear these rags and embarrassed for anyone to see." The second line was a mouthful. 'Embarrassed for anyone to see' seemed completely unneccessary and shouldn't have been there but again, it's because of the rhyming. I think you should rephrases the whole line or both lines so you can find a suitable rhyme.
Fave lines (If the whole poem was these two lines, it would've been enough):
"You hear the bees buzz, and you see the sun shine,
While I sit huddled in a corner, I count nothing mine."
19Eternal Skies"While I sit huddled in a corner, I count nothing mine." to this line, everything in the poem was okay. From thereafter, the rhyming was forced and superfluous. And even the lines before would've survived having lesser words just to create a distinct rhythm.
"Why are you so blind?
Open your eyes and you'll see what you'll find." this doesn't make sense at all to me. Open your eyes and you'll see what you'll find sounded (no offense meant) silly. I know what you're trying to say, and that you had to make these words this way so it rhymes but think of either finding a substitute or delete them.
"You've got clothes on your back and food in your belly,
While I'm lucky to wear these rags and embarrassed for anyone to see." The second line was a mouthful. 'Embarrassed for anyone to see' seemed completely unneccessary and shouldn't have been there but again, it's because of the rhyming. I think you should rephrases the whole line or both lines so you can find a suitable rhyme.
Fave lines (If the whole poem was these two lines, it would've been enough):
"You hear the bees buzz, and you see the sun shine,
While I sit huddled in a corner, I count nothing mine."
4/20/2010 c1 36Anna Christie
My God. This left me short of breath. Is it about the war in Iraq back when the American people seemed to those people so much? Or something else... for me, that's what it conveyed. Like, from the eyes of an innocent man in a cold blooded war full of hate for people like him for no reasons. Or any war where that happened... I'm glad I read this, it's a very powerful piece.
36Anna ChristieMy God. This left me short of breath. Is it about the war in Iraq back when the American people seemed to those people so much? Or something else... for me, that's what it conveyed. Like, from the eyes of an innocent man in a cold blooded war full of hate for people like him for no reasons. Or any war where that happened... I'm glad I read this, it's a very powerful piece.
3/6/2010 c1 2CouleurDuVent
You. Are. Brilliant.
I absolutely love how you portrayed this. I'm speechless.
2CouleurDuVentYou. Are. Brilliant.
I absolutely love how you portrayed this. I'm speechless.
3/4/2010 c1 43Alexander D.C
Hmm...very nice, quite well-written. I don't tend to enjoy works with an obvious moral or message, but this is good enough to make an exception. Similarly, I often find find that an AABB rhyme scheme seems at best singsong and at worst forced; however, your usage of variable meter neatly avoids this as well.
However, it could definitely use some streamlining. Most every line has one or two words that could be simply omitted without losing any meaning, and I think that picking only the words you need to say what you wish to say would make some of the clunkier lines flow much better. For example, "Thoughts of happiness and a future my mind does not allow" could easily become "Thoughts of a happy future I can't allow." Such a transition loses no meaning and makes the line seem less protracted and more in sync with the line you pair it with.
The last four lines, particularly, seem unnecessary. Sure, they make an appeal to the audience's pathos, but they're really kind of redundant and heavy-handed. By this point in the poem, the reader either agrees with you or has stopped caring; retracing the message and then driving the point home with a sledgehammer won't really help. Being heavy-handed isn't always a bad thing, but it only really works when the message is unclear or previously non-existent. Get in, make the point, and get out.
One more thing that could be improved, and this is actually pretty minor. One pair of lines ("You've got houses made of bricks, and flowers in bud,/ It seems unimaginable to me in my house of mud.") seems inherently contradictory. If the narrator finds the scene he describes "unimaginable", how can he describe it? It's rather odd, like hearing somebody who has never seen a computer describing one.
All in all, however, this is a quite good and readable poem. While it has a few relatively apparent areas where it could be improved, it gives a strong message while mostly avoiding tiresome cliches and genre conventions.
43Alexander D.CHmm...very nice, quite well-written. I don't tend to enjoy works with an obvious moral or message, but this is good enough to make an exception. Similarly, I often find find that an AABB rhyme scheme seems at best singsong and at worst forced; however, your usage of variable meter neatly avoids this as well.
However, it could definitely use some streamlining. Most every line has one or two words that could be simply omitted without losing any meaning, and I think that picking only the words you need to say what you wish to say would make some of the clunkier lines flow much better. For example, "Thoughts of happiness and a future my mind does not allow" could easily become "Thoughts of a happy future I can't allow." Such a transition loses no meaning and makes the line seem less protracted and more in sync with the line you pair it with.
The last four lines, particularly, seem unnecessary. Sure, they make an appeal to the audience's pathos, but they're really kind of redundant and heavy-handed. By this point in the poem, the reader either agrees with you or has stopped caring; retracing the message and then driving the point home with a sledgehammer won't really help. Being heavy-handed isn't always a bad thing, but it only really works when the message is unclear or previously non-existent. Get in, make the point, and get out.
One more thing that could be improved, and this is actually pretty minor. One pair of lines ("You've got houses made of bricks, and flowers in bud,/ It seems unimaginable to me in my house of mud.") seems inherently contradictory. If the narrator finds the scene he describes "unimaginable", how can he describe it? It's rather odd, like hearing somebody who has never seen a computer describing one.
All in all, however, this is a quite good and readable poem. While it has a few relatively apparent areas where it could be improved, it gives a strong message while mostly avoiding tiresome cliches and genre conventions.
3/1/2010 c1 1I Write Stories
Thank you for reviewing my poem! Means a lot to me :)
Aww my gosh, I love this, it's so moving. Really really great :)
1I Write StoriesThank you for reviewing my poem! Means a lot to me :)
Aww my gosh, I love this, it's so moving. Really really great :)
2/22/2010 c1 27caracal eyes
wow. quite a lot of feeling in this-i think you communicate well the bewilderment, the sorrow, but also a bit of hope, near the end; and the general idea that war just isn't worth it, and how many people suffer with no one ot notice. overall, a well-written poem, though at times the rhythm is a bit off-but, hey, it's not easy to make everything rhyme, is it? in all, a good poem.
-s.o.
ps: thanks much for reviewing me before! :)
27caracal eyeswow. quite a lot of feeling in this-i think you communicate well the bewilderment, the sorrow, but also a bit of hope, near the end; and the general idea that war just isn't worth it, and how many people suffer with no one ot notice. overall, a well-written poem, though at times the rhythm is a bit off-but, hey, it's not easy to make everything rhyme, is it? in all, a good poem.
-s.o.
ps: thanks much for reviewing me before! :)
1/7/2010 c1 23thinking.about.thinking
This is so sad. I really loved these lines for some reason:
You’ve got houses made of bricks, and flowers in bud,
It seems unimaginable to me in my house of mud.
thinking.about.thinking
23thinking.about.thinkingThis is so sad. I really loved these lines for some reason:
You’ve got houses made of bricks, and flowers in bud,
It seems unimaginable to me in my house of mud.
thinking.about.thinking
7/12/2005 c1 chuppachupgirl
I can't say I honestly understand this, but what I do see, I like. You seem to have political views that are less... discriminatory than many, and it's refreshing to find that.
I can't say I honestly understand this, but what I do see, I like. You seem to have political views that are less... discriminatory than many, and it's refreshing to find that.
1/29/2005 c1 27sialgunavez
I wish I could write a poem like that. It's written from such a real perspective. I admire that. I like how there's some rhyming here and there that doesn't interferre with the meaning of the poem. It's great. GOOD JOB
27sialgunavezI wish I could write a poem like that. It's written from such a real perspective. I admire that. I like how there's some rhyming here and there that doesn't interferre with the meaning of the poem. It's great. GOOD JOB
1/13/2005 c1 13XxDragon Princess NikkixX
Very touching and well written. One of the best war poems i have read. Awesome job
Nikki
13XxDragon Princess NikkixXVery touching and well written. One of the best war poems i have read. Awesome job
Nikki
1/3/2005 c1 21Blazingkitten
Thanks for the review. I am not sure I understand it though please explain it more to me. This poem was very good. I can't write poems that rime very good, but you can and good luck with that later on that is a realy nice skill.
Blaze
21BlazingkittenThanks for the review. I am not sure I understand it though please explain it more to me. This poem was very good. I can't write poems that rime very good, but you can and good luck with that later on that is a realy nice skill.
Blaze