for The Melody of Fire1/12/2006 c6 
7AethraZip
Hmm... so the plot thickens. Good. Now update it, slave, or I shall hit you with a fish until you do.
7AethraZipHmm... so the plot thickens. Good. Now update it, slave, or I shall hit you with a fish until you do.
1/12/2006 c5 AethraZip
"And more often than not, there were two bodies beneath a blanket rather than just one." *wolfwhistles*
Haha, Riley's gonna get heatstroke...
"And more often than not, there were two bodies beneath a blanket rather than just one." *wolfwhistles*
Haha, Riley's gonna get heatstroke...
1/12/2006 c4 AethraZip
Okay, okay, I have something actually *constructive* to say this time! It's about this bit: "...This man was second only to the Cardinal, and the Cardinal was second only to God. Believed by many to be the son of angels or an angel himself, he gave people hope of something greater... His name was Nathan."
Maybe it's just me, but it seems really odd that you went from talking about the virtues and divinity of the Cardinal to "His name was Nathan." A one-sentence paragraph about the Cardinal's underling's name? I dunno, it just seemed dissonantic... dissonian... um.. yeah, whatever the word I mean is. Felt weird. Let's go with that.
Other than that, awesome as always, and I'm just being picky.
Okay, okay, I have something actually *constructive* to say this time! It's about this bit: "...This man was second only to the Cardinal, and the Cardinal was second only to God. Believed by many to be the son of angels or an angel himself, he gave people hope of something greater... His name was Nathan."
Maybe it's just me, but it seems really odd that you went from talking about the virtues and divinity of the Cardinal to "His name was Nathan." A one-sentence paragraph about the Cardinal's underling's name? I dunno, it just seemed dissonantic... dissonian... um.. yeah, whatever the word I mean is. Felt weird. Let's go with that.
Other than that, awesome as always, and I'm just being picky.
1/12/2006 c3 AethraZip
Dammit, I want Oz! If I can't torture my nutschnoogle I'll torture Ozzie.
...I want some exploding fruit. It sounds fun.
Dammit, I want Oz! If I can't torture my nutschnoogle I'll torture Ozzie.
...I want some exploding fruit. It sounds fun.
1/12/2006 c2 AethraZip
Woot, I want a horn on my head that sings! That would be kickass! And, and, yeah! I like Hugh, by the way. He's amusing me with his attempts to get Riley's lazy butt in gear.
Woot, I want a horn on my head that sings! That would be kickass! And, and, yeah! I like Hugh, by the way. He's amusing me with his attempts to get Riley's lazy butt in gear.
1/12/2006 c1 AethraZip
I hate you.
There, that got your attention, didn't it? Actually, I don't hate *you*, I hate that you're so talented and make me so jealous. Right, shutting up now.
I hate you.
There, that got your attention, didn't it? Actually, I don't hate *you*, I hate that you're so talented and make me so jealous. Right, shutting up now.
10/10/2005 c3 Eckrice
heh Grammar! Grammar!"The oases of Dira had many plants with such unique attributes"
Sorry, I had to.
Meh, Cool Chapter. More Foreshaddowing/Suspense and character developement.
At the beginning, Were the SunBlades actually traveling? I might have missed something, but I didn't know what was going on at first.The Nomads are pretty awesome. They might be a tad Too powerful, but I don't know what happens in the rest of the story, so you could totally blow me off. I Like the culture and stuff. Slowly laying out the geography in my mind.
Good Chapter Oz.
heh Grammar! Grammar!"The oases of Dira had many plants with such unique attributes"
Sorry, I had to.
Meh, Cool Chapter. More Foreshaddowing/Suspense and character developement.
At the beginning, Were the SunBlades actually traveling? I might have missed something, but I didn't know what was going on at first.The Nomads are pretty awesome. They might be a tad Too powerful, but I don't know what happens in the rest of the story, so you could totally blow me off. I Like the culture and stuff. Slowly laying out the geography in my mind.
Good Chapter Oz.
10/10/2005 c2 Eckrice
hehum..
This is one of the Chapters I had read before you took it down. I had forgotten about the deer, though. They're awesome.
Cool, I like the personality you gave Hugh. Good chapter.
hehum..
This is one of the Chapters I had read before you took it down. I had forgotten about the deer, though. They're awesome.
Cool, I like the personality you gave Hugh. Good chapter.
10/1/2005 c1 Eckrice
: )
hahaCool prologue Oz.
Tons of personification. It works well in prologues in general I've noticed, and since you're so dang good at writing anyway, I like it. It doesn't give me much information at all, but then again, It's only a teaser.
Oh well, I guess you'll just have to make me happy in the chapters to come.
Finally_Eckrice
: )
hahaCool prologue Oz.
Tons of personification. It works well in prologues in general I've noticed, and since you're so dang good at writing anyway, I like it. It doesn't give me much information at all, but then again, It's only a teaser.
Oh well, I guess you'll just have to make me happy in the chapters to come.
Finally_Eckrice
6/6/2005 c6 29amazingblazes
Yay! Good chapter - again, very well written.
Some things you might want to fix...if you deem it worthy. The first sentence is somewhat redundant - "the nocturnal fingers of night..." Well of course they're going to be nocturnal, it's night. You might want to find a different adjective. Another sentence you might want to revise is "The hum of the electric lights continued on, the inventions of man caring as little as Shellon on what happened Devon’s fate turned out to be." I'd suggest that you take out the word "happened." It would make the sentence flow better.
This chapter was REALLY good - you have such a talent for description. I'd almost call it Tolkien-esque, but Tolkien didn't write about people getting their guts ripped out or wetting themselves. Still, though, you're an amazing...describer (unlike me, obviously). Please, post the next chapter...I'm on the edge of my seat!
29amazingblazesYay! Good chapter - again, very well written.
Some things you might want to fix...if you deem it worthy. The first sentence is somewhat redundant - "the nocturnal fingers of night..." Well of course they're going to be nocturnal, it's night. You might want to find a different adjective. Another sentence you might want to revise is "The hum of the electric lights continued on, the inventions of man caring as little as Shellon on what happened Devon’s fate turned out to be." I'd suggest that you take out the word "happened." It would make the sentence flow better.
This chapter was REALLY good - you have such a talent for description. I'd almost call it Tolkien-esque, but Tolkien didn't write about people getting their guts ripped out or wetting themselves. Still, though, you're an amazing...describer (unlike me, obviously). Please, post the next chapter...I'm on the edge of my seat!
4/11/2005 c2 8Kezkay
Hahaha! I like this chapter very much. The original certainly wasn't bad. This one is just awesome! The exhanges between Riley and Hugh had me laughing my butt off. *roommate looks at her funny o.o* I loved the description of Hugh, "The Leader of the SunBlades was a character unlike any other. Known for his rough criticisms, practical jokes, and inhuman capacity for liquor, he led the brave soldiers without fail." I believe "inhuman capacity for liquor" was favorite part. Ah! And that odd animal is back. In almost a chibi-like fashion I saw it dancing around in my head, making la-dee-da music, until, suddenly, mr. innocent-little-bunny-rabbit hops on by, and then, LUNCH! Yes. *whimpers* Need to lay off the sugar, right? Right now I have two questions:Who is Riley's father? Secret? o!And, are you sure they should be wearing silk in the desert? Mostly that's worn to keep warmer right? I believe they wear linens or some such. Muslin? Can't remember the name, but I'm not too sure anyways.
Sorry for taking so long with these reviews! Another couple tomorrow, perhaps, should fate not want to lock me the closet with my calc textbook. Grr.
8KezkayHahaha! I like this chapter very much. The original certainly wasn't bad. This one is just awesome! The exhanges between Riley and Hugh had me laughing my butt off. *roommate looks at her funny o.o* I loved the description of Hugh, "The Leader of the SunBlades was a character unlike any other. Known for his rough criticisms, practical jokes, and inhuman capacity for liquor, he led the brave soldiers without fail." I believe "inhuman capacity for liquor" was favorite part. Ah! And that odd animal is back. In almost a chibi-like fashion I saw it dancing around in my head, making la-dee-da music, until, suddenly, mr. innocent-little-bunny-rabbit hops on by, and then, LUNCH! Yes. *whimpers* Need to lay off the sugar, right? Right now I have two questions:Who is Riley's father? Secret? o!And, are you sure they should be wearing silk in the desert? Mostly that's worn to keep warmer right? I believe they wear linens or some such. Muslin? Can't remember the name, but I'm not too sure anyways.
Sorry for taking so long with these reviews! Another couple tomorrow, perhaps, should fate not want to lock me the closet with my calc textbook. Grr.
4/11/2005 c1 Kezkay
Hm... very much like the original I think. I also remember liking the original prologue very much ^^ Nice use of personification of the desert and the wind, but I can't help but think this chapter could use just a little more vivid color. The sky was great, but what about the sands? Red? Gold? Molten? Like an arabian desert or a mongolian? Or the outback? ...Wow. I never knew i cared so much about sand. Pfft. hehe. Just ignore me. Going onto the next chapter!
Hm... very much like the original I think. I also remember liking the original prologue very much ^^ Nice use of personification of the desert and the wind, but I can't help but think this chapter could use just a little more vivid color. The sky was great, but what about the sands? Red? Gold? Molten? Like an arabian desert or a mongolian? Or the outback? ...Wow. I never knew i cared so much about sand. Pfft. hehe. Just ignore me. Going onto the next chapter!
4/7/2005 c6 FictionpressDeleteThisAccount
*Is speechless* ...I can't find any words to describe how great I think this story is! The characters are all very detailed and the descriptions for scenery and such are done well too. I especially enjoy reading the parts about the wind. All and all I can't wait for the next chapter!
*Is speechless* ...I can't find any words to describe how great I think this story is! The characters are all very detailed and the descriptions for scenery and such are done well too. I especially enjoy reading the parts about the wind. All and all I can't wait for the next chapter!
4/4/2005 c5 29amazingblazes
This is quite possibly your most awesome chapter so far. Highly funny, descriptive and *gasp* it furthers the plot and sets up things to come! Way to be - I can't even find anything to critisize this time. You rock my world.
29amazingblazesThis is quite possibly your most awesome chapter so far. Highly funny, descriptive and *gasp* it furthers the plot and sets up things to come! Way to be - I can't even find anything to critisize this time. You rock my world.
3/31/2005 c6 1Rytia Malachite
This was AMAZING! The rewrite is fantastic, just so you know. :-) The tension that you build before revealing the body is fantastic, and the body of Devon, wow- it was horrifying. GOOD JOB! Heh.
I also like how you hint at the troubles that brought Devon to the Cardinal in the first place. Can't wait to hear more about that.
Rytia
1Rytia MalachiteThis was AMAZING! The rewrite is fantastic, just so you know. :-) The tension that you build before revealing the body is fantastic, and the body of Devon, wow- it was horrifying. GOOD JOB! Heh.
I also like how you hint at the troubles that brought Devon to the Cardinal in the first place. Can't wait to hear more about that.
Rytia