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12/3/2005 c1 15BlackDreamLily
This pretty much sums up my review: :-D ... 'and in Arthur's kingdom there was much rejoicing.' - courtesy of Monty Python

Much love, my friend! I enjoyed this story. Intreguing title!
6/24/2005 c6 9ca2longoria
Hey, pretty good. Well you certainly do a good job with describing the feeding, no doubt about that. I find the two different sets of characters interesting, though I can't really tell who's who until the names are stated, but then every story is a work in progress, I'm certain you've planned it out so. Now what I really like are the eyes, the ever-changing colorful eyes, those are great. Of course that ties in with your ability to describe physical change or action. Hm, I just read some of your other reviews here... That Amane Andrsen has a few points, but the guy (I assume they're a guy) is particularly rude in making them and that's definately not good for anyone. Well, the only thing I have to say against the story is the desire you give the reader to hate your characters. It's often useful to have some character in any dark story hated or despised by the reader, so that sympathy may be better given to the characters who are not hated as thus, but there are no characters (with exception to the victims, who seem to have little to do with the storyline) who are in some part innocent. My only suggestion for any further writings of yours would be to lessen, if not minimize, the slaughter of innocents by the focal characters when you are also attempting to acquire empathy for them from the reader. At any rate, I found the story quite interesting. Keep on writing, I'll be looking foward to anything else of yours I may read. Adios! :-)
2/21/2005 c6 3Boom Kitty
Hey this is an interesting story you've got going. In the first chapter though you switched from past to present tense every so often but that's cool. The only thing I can suggest is to give us more on the actual setting, and the characters. It's important to explain more about them and their motivations for doing things. But even if it is a little confusing, so far so good. Keep it up.
1/29/2005 c6 13Amane Andrsen
There is one rule to writing and you violated it, anally. When it comes to forming believable fiction, you write what you know. I understand that this is vampire fiction and I was willing to give you a little bit of leeway because of that, but you ran out of that before the end of the first chapter.

Vocabulary: Get some. Know those little hand-outs your English professor/teacher gives out? Memorize them. It’s about as attractive as an old man in a Speedo to see the same four descriptive words used multiple times in the one paragraph. Don’t be afraid to read the dictionary.

Descriptions: Seriously lacking. Crimson/Red, monstrous/demonic eyes are nothing new, stop treating them like they are. This closely ties in with the vocabulary. It’s very dull to sit through the same descriptive paragraph multiple times. Give us something new, something fresh and do it fast. I want to be able to perfectly visualize what is happening in each scene. If I can’t, you’re not doing your job correctly. Give concrete details. That means, remove the words “like” and “as” from about half of your descriptions.

Characters: I don’t care about them. Make me care about them. If your readers don’t care about your characters, they’re not going to continue to read your story. Is there even a difference between your characters? Aside from gender, I can’t tell them apart. At all. Harriet/Sara and What’shisface?/Jonathon are pretty much interchangeable. More, and possibly better, details about each of them would bring them to life (no pun intended).

Why do you have two sets of characters, anyway? Does one set know about the other? If not, what’s the point of having both in the same story? If they do know, at least make some allusion to it.

Patois: Don’t use it. There is nothing more grating than seeing accents splattered over a page. I can understand tossing in a few words from a character’s original country; just make sure you know how to use them. Senhor is not Italian (Signor) and your French-speaker is talking to a hermaphrodite. Mon=male, Chèrie=female. Though, considering the scant details I known about one of the character, talking to a hermaphrodite would be quite possible (many originality points there).

Setting: It sounds like you’ve been to England, possibly even live there, but have you been to Venice? This ties in with my first point- write what you know. If you haven’t been there, do some research. Even a little bit of research would make the story a lot more believable.

Grammar: The amount of run-on sentences in this story makes my retinas bleed. A little part of me dies every time I see half of a page with only two horrendous sentences. Once you get rid of a run-ons, you should have very diverse sentences. Diverse sentence formations make readers happy.

Articles, particles, and prepositions-learn how to use them and know that they are not your friend. Paragraphs, on the other hand, are very much your friend. Combined with dialogue, they’re your salvation.

Dialogue: Sounds like a soap opera and is very forced. To create more natural dialogue, listen to the people around you talk and emulate that. Also, speaking word+ adverb= death, remember that.

WTF?: In Chapter 6, is Sara/Harriet PMS-ing? Slapping Jonathon (who is probably your most well-developed character) around and then having him just shrug it off sounds like she is. Having such strong emotions with absolutely no warning doesn’t help keep me from making such assumptions, either. Also, DO NOT KILL SO MANY PEOPLE. Yes, they are vampires. Yes, they do have to feed. That’s a given, but they don’t need to kill so many people. A good writer I know of once told me, “Killing people in a vampire story is like having a huge neon sign saying ‘Vampire Lives Here’ over the character.” All logic says that the cops would eventually figure out what’s happening and your characters probably won’t like what they do to stop it.
1/15/2005 c4 9Cuteomens-foxie-girl
Good, I like it, keep writing please
1/11/2005 c3 Cuteomens-foxie-girl
WRITE MORE WRITE MORE. You've got me hooked on this story, and write more of your other one.
1/10/2005 c2 Cuteomens-foxie-girl
This story rules. keep writing it please.

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