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for The World Beyond Dreams

4/24/2005 c3 9StarryNightForever
I like the way you write, it's very interesting. Keep up the good work!
4/23/2005 c3 8shibi chibi
...we...cool! keep it up! ^o^-
4/11/2005 c1 Ephemeral Seraphim
I should remember reading this. Because this was beautifully written, and it was a step up from most of the stuff I see on Fictionpress. The italics were a wonderful introduction for the equally wonderful story, and I found myself fascinated while reading every word. It's fascinating, and I always love stories that involve something with dreams. Anyway, you've definitely got me hooked on this story, with a fascinating character, well-written prose, and an all around interesting story that promises to deliver excitement. Please, continue.

3/1/2005 c2 110KonekOniko
this story's getting interesting...Nico seems like a pretty stubborn girl. description-wise, this story is very strong (good thing, I like descriptions and you don't over-do it...well, at least in my opinion), I'd just suggest working a bit on characterization. nonetheless, good job.

~Sumi-chan; What you call love, I call pain.
3/1/2005 c1 KonekOniko
not bad, though it was a bit confusing at a few points, it was an enjoyable read nonetheless. good job.
1/29/2005 c2 12Maki Cubs
Hey, sorry I forgot to review this chapter! (I kick myself for being so careless... well, I don't actually kick myself but... y'know) Short, but awesome, I love the details! I'm so anxious for what's gonna happen!
1/20/2005 c1 Maki Cubs
Hey! Your story is awesome... who is this mystery man hiding in the shadows? (What is it about mystery men? They're everywhere!) (Not that I'm complaining. I like mystery men.) Anyway, I hope you can get the next chapter out really soon! I want to know what her illness is and what about this other world? It's so fascinating, I can't wait to read more! ^^
1/10/2005 c1 warnthepenguins
Hello; you say this is your first story, so welcome! I have a bunch of little things to say and probably I'll think of some bigger concerns and accolades.

I'm guessing "She shoved" is a typo-something's missing.

You can't 'shrug' dialogue, even internal dialogue. I think you want /No./ She shrugged. /I have to go on/. Where the /'s are italics. Granted all that, I don't think you really want her shrugging either.

You want an apostrophe after tears, like this: tears' escape. The magical world of possessives.

That sentence also needs a comma.

The next sentence doesn't need the word 'formerly'.

This is an amusing twist-supernatural plea for help via blog. There are all sorts of fun things you could do with this, as long as you remember how bloggers and the people who comment on blogs really act.

How old is she? Has the dream-world affected her speech? Because the way she writes is strange and archaic, certainly not the informal prose one expects in an web journal.

When you do dialogue, it should end like this: ...told me what happened," her father's gentle voice whispered...When the rest of the phrase describes how the person's doing the talking, it needs to be part of the same sentence as the dialogue. In contrast, of course, the line afterward, that starts with "Dad," is done correctly.

This is a strikingly composed father. Either this pain is small, or in the past, or he is quite unusual-most caring parents would be deeply upset if they had accidentally, through direct action or negligence, caused their children pain.

I think you forgot to decide what color hair this fellow has. :) "He swept his black hair from his dark brown hair..."

I think you want to call it the Council, if it's a group of people. If it's one person, I suppose you could call him/her the Counsel.

Overall, I think the journal entry's a good way of structuring this explanatory opening, when we have to be drawn smoothly into the action. I wouldn't suggest using it for the whole story, though. It puts too many boundarys on your writing.Your storytelling is pretty good, though the structure of your sentences might need some work, and many of the descriptions lack the kind of power that you really want. You have some strong moments. A pretty good start.

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