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3/2/2006 c1 anonymous
Reminds me a bit of 'The origin of love' from Hedwig and the Angry Inch, in a way. You should look at the movie.
2/9/2006 c1 22Neried
Hm...nice. The consistent use of the title is a good touch. Maybe edit it a bit, though.
5/21/2005 c1 22fadedrainbows
Oh, I enjoyed this very much! I love the rhythm, the feeling. I loved the setup as well. My only other thought is that you wrote

"Soft and supple/Shivers of pleasure/Learning something new/

Ripples of emotion/Quaking with each other/Knowing something new/

Tracing of soft curves/Learning of another/Feeling something new"

My thought is this: The last line of the first stanza mentioned learning something new. Then you repeated the word "learning" in the 2nd line of the last stanza mentioned. It seems overused. My suggestion: replace the second use with a word such as "discovering one another" or something similar. This is just my suggestion. Some people take it the wrong way, but seriously - don't. I really enjoyed it. I'm off to read some of your other poems that, judging from your bio, you don't like.

~*~Faded~*~

P.S. Although it is of course never required to R&R back, it would help so much if you did.. please? *gives puppy eyes*
3/2/2005 c1 Lys
Good job ^.^ Write more poetry, you hippie.

Love Lys^|Oh my GOD, NOT in a romantic way O.o
1/15/2005 c1 56Porn Yesterday
Hmm, very interesting I'd have to say- almost teasing in how subtle the wording is and the undertone to it all. I like it though, I could imagine this being a 'first time' with intimate relations of the sorts. I liked the rhythm you had though with each stanza and the "...something new" it seemed to flow all around. All in all though, wonderfully written-if I had to "criticize" one thing it'd have to be...um well nothing really but maybe the ending to it, making it more of a conclusion for the reader but than again I enjoyed the beat each stanza took, so it's not bad. The ending ::for me anyways:: made it so that the reader could almost picture the 'climax' ::pun intended:: :P heh, don't mind my 'dirty' antics, but anyways great job! ^.^
1/15/2005 c1 10DZ McKnight
Pretty good. The only suggestions I'd make are

1) The ending seems more like a stopping point that a conclusion. It seems like you can express the closeness and aftermath of the experience better

and 2) I like the rhythm of this poem and it's consistent up until the next to last staza, where the lines get a little longer. A neat idea, metaphorically, but I think it disrupts the flow more than adds.

Otherwise, all wordiness aside, I like this. It captures intimacy, especially for the first time or with a new person, perfectly. Congratulations.

Yours,Diz

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