for A Defense Defect6/20/2005 c3 HENNY
EXCELLENT!I NEED MORE!
EXCELLENT!I NEED MORE!
6/17/2005 c3 henny
very good!were is it going?i need more!
very good!were is it going?i need more!
6/16/2005 c3 
1Klianie Janiko
Oh! When she going into that brothel? With a temper and attitude like her's, it's bound to be interesting. No putting in pressure or anything, but you've given us a very interesting character! You could let on a few hints from now while you're creating mysteriousness about your characters. I don't think you should overload yourself with mystery. Love the humour! LOL!
1Klianie JanikoOh! When she going into that brothel? With a temper and attitude like her's, it's bound to be interesting. No putting in pressure or anything, but you've given us a very interesting character! You could let on a few hints from now while you're creating mysteriousness about your characters. I don't think you should overload yourself with mystery. Love the humour! LOL!
3/24/2005 c3 4unbridledfear
...interesting, to say in the least. Very interesting. Great chapter. You did a nice job. However, I think the general tone of the story is too casual. Is it supposed to be? Other than that, awesome writings, and please update! lol...
4unbridledfear...interesting, to say in the least. Very interesting. Great chapter. You did a nice job. However, I think the general tone of the story is too casual. Is it supposed to be? Other than that, awesome writings, and please update! lol...
3/23/2005 c3 Janiko
There was still too much narrating from you went you wanted to narrate from the characters. Like "..I need to get to Vera" I PROTESTED, part, you could say something like "man, does he have long term amnesia or something?" because it was pointing the obvious. I liked the flow of the scene and I like how you separated the scene and the choice of narrater for those scenes. But story is the main part. There's still a lot of mystery to keep people holding there but I hope you bring out something before you go onto another question in mystery because of well, you know how the magic 3 works. I can't wait to see the secrets of Talen and Kari!
There was still too much narrating from you went you wanted to narrate from the characters. Like "..I need to get to Vera" I PROTESTED, part, you could say something like "man, does he have long term amnesia or something?" because it was pointing the obvious. I liked the flow of the scene and I like how you separated the scene and the choice of narrater for those scenes. But story is the main part. There's still a lot of mystery to keep people holding there but I hope you bring out something before you go onto another question in mystery because of well, you know how the magic 3 works. I can't wait to see the secrets of Talen and Kari!
2/11/2005 c2 unbridledfear
Awesome chapter. However, it makes a person yearn for more, so...write another chapter!
Awesome chapter. However, it makes a person yearn for more, so...write another chapter!
2/11/2005 c2 Sara Kay
I love it! I really like where this is going, hopefully something exciting. (hehe) Update ASAP!
*Sara Kay x
I love it! I really like where this is going, hopefully something exciting. (hehe) Update ASAP!
*Sara Kay x
2/11/2005 c2 Janiko
I LUV THE CONVO! IT'S again VERY WITTY! Honestly, it's a pretty obvious improvement from the first chapter and I think that you've finally taken shape as a writer for this style. Hey, you never know, in a very many year's time, like when you're 60y.o. you might get famous for inventing this! Like Peter Skryznecki and his poems. There's still some of the "I hmphed" parts that you should clear out. You could simply show what they are thinking of instead of TELLING what they are thinking to themselves. Like from "I've checked her wounds.." to "ok, no wounds, nothing life threatening, but there's some mark of being tied at the wrist..." you know what I mean?
I LUV THE CONVO! IT'S again VERY WITTY! Honestly, it's a pretty obvious improvement from the first chapter and I think that you've finally taken shape as a writer for this style. Hey, you never know, in a very many year's time, like when you're 60y.o. you might get famous for inventing this! Like Peter Skryznecki and his poems. There's still some of the "I hmphed" parts that you should clear out. You could simply show what they are thinking of instead of TELLING what they are thinking to themselves. Like from "I've checked her wounds.." to "ok, no wounds, nothing life threatening, but there's some mark of being tied at the wrist..." you know what I mean?
1/20/2005 c1 Janiko
wow, I like how the story is going. Both the witty main characters are quick thinkers! I like the actions and what I see! Great beginning!
wow, I like how the story is going. Both the witty main characters are quick thinkers! I like the actions and what I see! Great beginning!
1/15/2005 c1 11arachibutyrophobia
Good beginning, hope there'll be alot more explanations in later chapters about the characters, the sooner the better. why did he save her when it would have been more profitable to hand her over?
11arachibutyrophobiaGood beginning, hope there'll be alot more explanations in later chapters about the characters, the sooner the better. why did he save her when it would have been more profitable to hand her over?
1/15/2005 c1 3a lil black dress
To be honest? Your story has much potential and you should be proud of that! You're a wonderful writer. But this work...it just seems a bit cliched. A lot of people use this type of story already, sweetie. The characters seem like something I've seen before. How about a change? Perhaps switching the roles of the male and female? It would be SO much more interesting.
3a lil black dressTo be honest? Your story has much potential and you should be proud of that! You're a wonderful writer. But this work...it just seems a bit cliched. A lot of people use this type of story already, sweetie. The characters seem like something I've seen before. How about a change? Perhaps switching the roles of the male and female? It would be SO much more interesting.
1/15/2005 c1 4unbridledfear
Oh, oh, oh! I love it! This is one of my favorite timeperiods as well! Forget about your other stories and finish this one! LOL...
4unbridledfearOh, oh, oh! I love it! This is one of my favorite timeperiods as well! Forget about your other stories and finish this one! LOL...