Just In
for Crimson Rain

4/9/2010 c6 7dreams are for kids
oh my gosh!

this is really really good! (:

i liked it a lot. will you please please please write more, i want to see what happends to Reuel&& Moira in their new life!

-dreams are for kids (haley)
9/15/2005 c6 14FyreFaerie14
OMG! That was so god! I really hope that's not the ending of your story because i think I'll die if it is!I also like the continued theme of crimson rain, being that it is the title.Farewell,Fyre Faerie
9/15/2005 c1 FyreFaerie14
I stumbled across your story and i really like it, but the insult to Anne Rice's writing wasn't too pleasing. Otherwise, I love your characters and story and will continue reading.Farewell,Fyre Faerie
6/16/2005 c1 Red-rose-diva
That was simply great, awsome, perfect.
1/18/2005 c1 2FluffynessPookykins
First off this is not intended to be a flame, but you can take it like that if you feel you need to. I am warning you now that I tend to be a very blunt person, so dont take offense. This story has great potential, but for the moment, that is all it has.

Now onto the review!

Ok, so I started to write a huge ass review using every single little sentence that need correcting, but then when I had spent over an hour and I was not even a fourth of the way through, I decided to give up and just give you the general basis of my critique.

You do have alot of typos such as commas that you meant to be periods and small spelling errors. (Dew knot trussed you're spell cheque too fined awl you're miss takes) you should re-read this and look for those.

Another thing that I noticed was that alot of your paragraphs jump around quite a bit and do not hold the same main topic. you need to make the sentences fit together like a puzzle or a piece of poetry. (it is kinda like having a poem that goes: I love your beautiful hair, the leaves are turning green with spring.- it makes no sense!) for example in paragraph 4, you start out by talking about her form (do you mean her body?) then you talk about her lips sighing (?), then about the scenery, then the night club. Generally in paragraphs, you have one general subject which is set by the first sentence, then you work off of that and go into more detail. You, on the other hand started off with one topic then when into descripttion (and not description of the subject either) It seems as though you took a bunch of sentences and shoved them together randomly. I notice this same trend mainly in paragraphs 1-5. If you took the last half of each of those chapters (the part with setting description) and put them into one paragraph, it would flow better.

Another thing I noticed, was at the end of your dialogue you (with the exception of the ones ending with ?'s and !'s) you ended them in periods. if there is a 'he said' or 'she nodded' or anything about the action of a character, you need to end it in a comma and have the next word lower cased. -for example: "Good morning," she called to Betty... or: "Dont leave me," the young girl's eyes sparkled with unshed tears.- do you get what I'm trying to say?

Another thing I noticed is your mid-sentence transitions are all (with few exceptions) the word and. for exaple (taken from your writing): "She giggled to herself and glided through the entrance doors with ease"- I could just imagine her standing there and giggling then suddenly stopping and going in. it would be better if you put 'she giggled to herself AS she glided through the entrance doors' - another example is: "The man nodded and grasped her sides tightly into an embrace." - in this , the word and jarrs the flow of the sentence. it should be replaced by 'before' or 'as'.. though 'before' would work better. -There are many instances of this, so please be watchful. If there are any times when you can avoid using and do so!

Also, you over use words MAJORLY! for instance, you use the word 'form' a lot. there are other words such as: figure, body, structure, shape, build, appearance. you do it again with the word 'suit' when you first meet Rufian. you use it four times in that paragraph! again there are many different words that you could use insted of suit, such as: coat, outfit, formalwear, ensemble, attire, apparel, garb, clothes, garments, articles...-You do this with many other words too. If I were you, I would go through with a thesaurus and make sure that you only use each word once in every three or so paragraphs (that would work since your paragraphs are short). It would help a great deal with the flow and the intelligence of the piece.

There is another thing that really bugs the hell out of me (and dont worry, you are not the only person that I've nailed for this) is when people put the wrong subjet with the wrong verb. For example: " A moan of exquisite pain erupted from his mouth as Moira dug her mouth into his flesh"- Moira DUG her MOUTH into his flesh? I would honestly pay to see that. I can picture it now: a vampire knawing at some person's flesh with her lips. do you dig whith lips? no, I do not think so, you dig with teeth lol ^_^. Also when you say 'dig', it emplies that the person 'digging' has to work at it for a while. Also, this is an example of over using word as you used the word 'mouth' twice. you might want to say: "A moan of exquisite pain erupted from his mouth as Moira sunk her teeth into his flesh" There are may other cases of this as well. Here is one from another story that I have read: "tears ran down her eyes"- now do tears run down eyes? no they come from the eyes and run down the cheeks. anyone who has tears running down their eyes is either hanging upside down, they have some serious birth defects, or they are taken straight out of a picaso painting. so be watchful of this.

Also, your descriptions are a bit... weird. For example, you say that Moira is wearing all this leather and black and say she is as angelic. the way you describe her makes her sound like the epitome of a goth... that is very VERY far from angelic. what you had just described was an oxy-moron: an angelic goth... Shoot me if I'm wrong, but when the majority of people think goth, they think satan? yeah... I dont think I need to say any more about that instance... I think you get my point. Another example is when you described the wine and it's glass. you said the wine was bubbling is not a characteristic of red wine. It makes me think that they are drinking champange. And about the glass, you said that it was a thin glass with a short stem... I have never seen a red wine glass like that. generally it is champange glasses that are skinny and brandy glasses that have short stems. whine glasses tend to have longer stems and a fuller cup so that the drinker can swirl it slowly and not have it spin fast and slosh out the side.

And the last thing is that you could break this up into a few different chapters.

anyways, I think you are definately off to a good start and I hope that you continue with it.

if you ever need any help, want some advise, or want to scream at me for this review dont hesitate to email me at selkie6 @ yahoo.com

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service