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5/1/2008 c1 Anon
You took a very unique and enjoyable approach to your storyline with the whole case-study approach. I also enjoyed the development of your characters. As for giving all your character “equal screen time,” I don’t believe that’s necessary. After all, you can’t have seven leading ladies or leading men in a film. Right now it seems that Craig and Kate are the two characters that you are most comfortable and, not-coincidently, they are also your main characters. I would consider that all of the other characters are your supporting characters. In my opinion, it’s not necessary for all your characters to have the same amount of screen time. In any sense, don’t force it.

And on a different note, some of your chapters seem to be more filled with dialogue than others. Personally, I prefer a more narrative third-person feel with occasional first-person thoughts from the characters. This style is known as the third-person omniscient (or All-Seeing). I have a feeling (though I might be entirely wrong), that this is what you’re going for.

Also, if you are entirely serious about publishing I suggest you review this site. / It provided (what I believed to be) essential links for future and current writers in regards to publishing agents and manuscript submittal procedures. I would also suggest that you continue to revise and proofread with a critical eye for simple grammatical rules.

Keep writing and good luck!
11/24/2007 c16 cooro crow
your chaps get better each time. so i cant wait for you to update. also after this case will you do some more. and another thing; you have a wereperson, a psychic, 2 elementals, 1 pupateer, a human hacker, and a vampire; could you add a shapeshifter or a summoner. and how old are the twins.

see ya
11/29/2006 c16 Alex Grade
Sorry its not signed, but the system wont allow repeat reveiws, despite the fact that the chapters were shufled.

Anyways, this is getting really good. I really want to find out what Kates angry outfit is, and just what sort of interesting death she has in mind for Isis.

P.S. Really good moment with the "She will fear me before she dies". Shivers.

Keep up the good work!

And the overly narrative bit wasn't ch 11, it was the one labeled ch 11 before you shuffled things around. the reveiw is now attached to a different chapter than before(and I cant figure out which one it was, so you probably fixed it) ;-)
3/11/2006 c7 10grade64
The deeper connection is pretty good. The side stories sort of establish the relationship, but this is elaborating much more. Bravo.
6/16/2005 c22 ashehole
Woo! Awesome! Loved it, loved it! I just have a few suggestions. I believe you should add the side stories of the other's lives. I mean, the story mainly focused around Kate and Craig (at least, that's how I felt), but the other characters were crucial to this story too, and I believe readers should know their background stories as well. A little more tweaking, and I really believe that this story could be published! Good job. ^.^
5/30/2005 c18 ashehole
Okay, good chapter. I liked how Mark and Sara came in all professional like, getting what they wanted. That is kick ass, girl. I don't quite understand the bond thing, but sometimes I don't understand what I write myself and others do, so maybe someone else will. Bt ow I'm ranting, and I really love your story, and I will be stopping now so that I don't annoy you any further. Update soon!
5/24/2005 c17 ashehole
Wow, chapter was entirely too short. I was so absorbed in reading and then all of a sudden, there was a TBC. That was terrible. I need to know. I'm addicted to this story.
5/20/2005 c16 grade64
Keep going on this please!This is really starting to get good, but Draig did get caught just a little to easily)-:
5/20/2005 c11 grade64
I don't know if it was your intention, but this bit has more of a narrative flavor. You were telling a story as a thirdperson, past type of thing, instead of as a first person (as it happens) thing. Work more, it's starting to get really exciting!
5/20/2005 c8 grade64
I like the way that you did the timeshift. The fact that the characters weren't as experienced made the whole thing a lot more believable. Is Sarah immortal?
5/18/2005 c16 ashehole
Oh, yay. You used my question in your story. I feel...almost as proud as when someone tells me how wonderful my stories are. ^.^ I'm glad to know why Craig went out. Update, update!
5/14/2005 c15 ashehole
Good chapter. Although, I can't help but notice the stupidity of Craig. Why, Craig, why? Why are you so dumb? What point were you trying to prove by helping Isis out? Anyhoo, the changes were nice. Except for Isis' house. Why change that? .; Why actually put her into the persona of a real mad scientist? I mean, mad scientists can have nice lawns, too, can't they? (Oh, I'm not an advocate for any nice lawn agencies, just a curious reader) Update soon!
5/13/2005 c15 Chevy
i absolutely love your story so far. i think every thing you've written so far is great! i like how you portray each character getting along with each other.i especially like how mark and craig get along with each other. the're so funny.however i didn't like how craig was caught so easily in this chapter.i mean if he's an elder vampire then should'nt he put up more of a fight.if he knew it might have been a trap then he should have been a little more prepared. after all the supernatural beings she caught he should have been a bit more cautious because she did need only him tocomplete her profect.after all he knew about her he should know she would be experienced in capturing and hiding her victims.it just seems that he got caught so easily since he's supposed to be so powerful. another thing, if sarah's a psychic then wouldn't she be able to read isis' mind. she could tell that it was isis so why not know her plan to capture craig? anyway i do love what you have written so far so keep up the good work. i can't wait on reading your next chapter. good luck on your chapters hope it will be up soon!
5/12/2005 c14 ashehole
Wow, fast update. Man, Craig...Why did you have to go out? Isis is kinda creepy, automatically knowing where they were and all...Anyhoo, update soon.
5/9/2005 c13 47mystic-georgia
Is it me or does everything and everybody have to play "nice" to each other. It seems like you're trying to make a 'Happy Family' with your characters. If you're going to do that, stay away from the stero-types. Especially with the scientist.

This person could've lived in a basement flat,. Where the weeds were yellow, dying from too many acids that were chucked out of the window. Windows smashed etc. Look at other people's work but try not to crib their ideas, but take the basis and develop your own instead.

Good luck with the next chapter.

[ Footnote: Don't try to bite me. I'm just giving some advice]
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