for An Average Story2/19/2005 c4 Read The Arkayz Bible
Some of the jokes in here are quite funny! it's cool the way u make fun of girls going on about thier boyfriends!
Some of the jokes in here are quite funny! it's cool the way u make fun of girls going on about thier boyfriends!
2/19/2005 c3 Read The Arkayz Bible
yeah it's cool so far but in the first chapter i didn't know the protagonist's gender until halfway through...and i was presuming that she was a he.
yeah it's cool so far but in the first chapter i didn't know the protagonist's gender until halfway through...and i was presuming that she was a he.
2/19/2005 c1 
7ku
Very, very interesting prologue. Just change "Dows" to "Does."
If it weren't 3 in the morning I'd read the rest. But I've saved a shortcut on my desktop and will resume later.
ANyway, I doubt this story will be "Average" or "orginary" because reading an average or ordinary story is like reading someone's journal, which is usually very boring.
7kuVery, very interesting prologue. Just change "Dows" to "Does."
If it weren't 3 in the morning I'd read the rest. But I've saved a shortcut on my desktop and will resume later.
ANyway, I doubt this story will be "Average" or "orginary" because reading an average or ordinary story is like reading someone's journal, which is usually very boring.
2/14/2005 c8 Anaii
Wow. This story has been added to my favorites list. ^-^Who knew the life of an average girl could be so interesting?
Wow. This story has been added to my favorites list. ^-^Who knew the life of an average girl could be so interesting?
2/12/2005 c8 2Eternal presence
poor cat! i mean poor guy. no i feel more sorry for the cat. any ways great chapter! can't wait for more!
2Eternal presencepoor cat! i mean poor guy. no i feel more sorry for the cat. any ways great chapter! can't wait for more!
2/11/2005 c8 scissor sex
So happy to hear that my silly little reviews actually speeded you up :)
Wow, Dramatic. Everything gets a bit intense, from the whole situation in general (babies and crashing bikes), to Jesse and Elise's relationship. (hehe. kiss). However, I am blindly faithful- I know that this story will never lose your humor, even amongst the...er...angst? I'm not sure whether motorcylces running over cats' tails is exactly average... but hey! We've already established that Elise is a special kind of average. :D
As for the plot...I honestly have no idea as to where you are going to take this story! (Hey, there are lots of different possibilities even for average) And I don't necessarily mean this in a bad way, either. Everything comes as a surprise. Goody!
I hope to see more of good ole Miss Prince soon. Er...that is, /Becky/. *snickersnicker*
Marcey didn't get eaten by aliens, but I still liked her role, and Carolyn's role in this chapter. It's great that they've distinct personalities. I know I'm being repetitive, but it was especially noticeable in this chapter :D. For example if you plopped both of them (M and C) in a certain setting, I think I'd be able to predict how they would each act. You pay the exact right amount of attention to the minor characters...including Brandy and even Jesse's dad (creepy man!)
I'm glad my reviews encourage you, but I hope you don't feel pressured to force yourself to write. When I read your work I can tell you enjoyed writing it; that's why it was so funny. One you start forcing yourself, and it becomes a chore- an obligation, it's going to be bad for everyone! Sorry if that was a bit out of line...I'm sure you know all this already. :P It's just that. In an interactive writing community like fictionpress, reviewers = muchos power. Muahahahah. But I'm not threatening you. Really. :D
As for the Jesse thingy...yep. I'm over the Marilyn Manson shock. :P. I can already picture Jesse in my head(and he's cuter than Brad Pitt)! I guess it's from the little snatches of description you gave of him, through Elise's eyes. Quote: 'his brown eyes...' etc. I understand (almost) perfectly when you say you don't want to get too much into details. I mean, this story is from Elise's point of view, and it would be totally out of character if she (whose wardrobe decisions are based on- "is it clean"? hehe) suddenly started obsessing over details like that. :D. I'm different from Elise that way. I obsess over tiny details- not just clothes, but the color of shoelaces, EVERYTHING. If this story were being narrated from my point of view, I would probably describe the exact shade of J's hair. But that would make things much less fun...
So happy to hear that my silly little reviews actually speeded you up :)
Wow, Dramatic. Everything gets a bit intense, from the whole situation in general (babies and crashing bikes), to Jesse and Elise's relationship. (hehe. kiss). However, I am blindly faithful- I know that this story will never lose your humor, even amongst the...er...angst? I'm not sure whether motorcylces running over cats' tails is exactly average... but hey! We've already established that Elise is a special kind of average. :D
As for the plot...I honestly have no idea as to where you are going to take this story! (Hey, there are lots of different possibilities even for average) And I don't necessarily mean this in a bad way, either. Everything comes as a surprise. Goody!
I hope to see more of good ole Miss Prince soon. Er...that is, /Becky/. *snickersnicker*
Marcey didn't get eaten by aliens, but I still liked her role, and Carolyn's role in this chapter. It's great that they've distinct personalities. I know I'm being repetitive, but it was especially noticeable in this chapter :D. For example if you plopped both of them (M and C) in a certain setting, I think I'd be able to predict how they would each act. You pay the exact right amount of attention to the minor characters...including Brandy and even Jesse's dad (creepy man!)
I'm glad my reviews encourage you, but I hope you don't feel pressured to force yourself to write. When I read your work I can tell you enjoyed writing it; that's why it was so funny. One you start forcing yourself, and it becomes a chore- an obligation, it's going to be bad for everyone! Sorry if that was a bit out of line...I'm sure you know all this already. :P It's just that. In an interactive writing community like fictionpress, reviewers = muchos power. Muahahahah. But I'm not threatening you. Really. :D
As for the Jesse thingy...yep. I'm over the Marilyn Manson shock. :P. I can already picture Jesse in my head(and he's cuter than Brad Pitt)! I guess it's from the little snatches of description you gave of him, through Elise's eyes. Quote: 'his brown eyes...' etc. I understand (almost) perfectly when you say you don't want to get too much into details. I mean, this story is from Elise's point of view, and it would be totally out of character if she (whose wardrobe decisions are based on- "is it clean"? hehe) suddenly started obsessing over details like that. :D. I'm different from Elise that way. I obsess over tiny details- not just clothes, but the color of shoelaces, EVERYTHING. If this story were being narrated from my point of view, I would probably describe the exact shade of J's hair. But that would make things much less fun...
2/10/2005 c7 1The Restock Bandits
So, an exciting turn of events! And it's NOT the most average story ever. But...did this have dividers before? You kept changing the scene, and it seemed like there should have been a divider, but FP removes things like those. Just idly wondering, I DID read your note about the editing, and I did notice the typos, but they're overall pretty easy to ignore, so it's not really much of a problem. Post soon!
1The Restock BanditsSo, an exciting turn of events! And it's NOT the most average story ever. But...did this have dividers before? You kept changing the scene, and it seemed like there should have been a divider, but FP removes things like those. Just idly wondering, I DID read your note about the editing, and I did notice the typos, but they're overall pretty easy to ignore, so it's not really much of a problem. Post soon!
2/10/2005 c7 scissor sex
Hey! I'm the thirty-first reviewer! But I was also the thirtieth, and the twenty-ninth, and the twenty-eight, and blah so I guess it's not that exciting. Oh vvell.
I see things have progressed between Jesse and Elise. :) Good. I like Jesse.
Expensive food doesn't make people happy, but pizza does! So does lobster. I love lobster. I like seafood too. Squid.
Anyway. Eagerly awaiting Chapter Seven: Mysterious Alien Feeds On Girl [guess who!] And Kills Her And Also Rodent-like Boy Becomes Friends With Average Girl And Said Average Girl Gets 100 On Exam Without Studying.
I think there's a limit to the number of letters, though. :)
Hey! I'm the thirty-first reviewer! But I was also the thirtieth, and the twenty-ninth, and the twenty-eight, and blah so I guess it's not that exciting. Oh vvell.
I see things have progressed between Jesse and Elise. :) Good. I like Jesse.
Expensive food doesn't make people happy, but pizza does! So does lobster. I love lobster. I like seafood too. Squid.
Anyway. Eagerly awaiting Chapter Seven: Mysterious Alien Feeds On Girl [guess who!] And Kills Her And Also Rodent-like Boy Becomes Friends With Average Girl And Said Average Girl Gets 100 On Exam Without Studying.
I think there's a limit to the number of letters, though. :)
2/10/2005 c6 scissor sex
Ugh, only one chapter left. Hehe. It sounds like I don't like this story when it's really the opposite.
Why hasn't anything bad happened to Marcey yet? Spence is a pest. In the beginning, actually, I thought he'd be Elise's friend. Oh vvell.
Sorry I couldn't leave a longer a better review- I'm practically falling asleep here; your writing's the only thing that's keeping me awake.
Update quick quick quick!
Ugh, only one chapter left. Hehe. It sounds like I don't like this story when it's really the opposite.
Why hasn't anything bad happened to Marcey yet? Spence is a pest. In the beginning, actually, I thought he'd be Elise's friend. Oh vvell.
Sorry I couldn't leave a longer a better review- I'm practically falling asleep here; your writing's the only thing that's keeping me awake.
Update quick quick quick!
2/10/2005 c5 scissor sex
What I should have included in the previous review: Becky. Haha. Hilarious.
I am displeased. How can Elise pity Jared and Miss Prince? For some reason I hate them both, irrationally. Well, maybe not that irrationally... Especially Miss Prince- she's annoying and stupid.
Also, Elise's description of Jesse as a hotter Marilyn Manson? In what universe is Manson hot? Okay, I guess he's hot to wannabe goth girls with too much eyeliner...but still *whines*...you ruined my image of him. I demand another description. Oh wait, you're the one with power here. Okay, I beg thee! Please!
I support feminism to a certain degree, but yes, it can get VERY 'anal'. :D
Very interesting chapter. Argh. There are only two chapters left! I'm going to read very slowly. :(
What I should have included in the previous review: Becky. Haha. Hilarious.
I am displeased. How can Elise pity Jared and Miss Prince? For some reason I hate them both, irrationally. Well, maybe not that irrationally... Especially Miss Prince- she's annoying and stupid.
Also, Elise's description of Jesse as a hotter Marilyn Manson? In what universe is Manson hot? Okay, I guess he's hot to wannabe goth girls with too much eyeliner...but still *whines*...you ruined my image of him. I demand another description. Oh wait, you're the one with power here. Okay, I beg thee! Please!
I support feminism to a certain degree, but yes, it can get VERY 'anal'. :D
Very interesting chapter. Argh. There are only two chapters left! I'm going to read very slowly. :(
2/10/2005 c4 scissor sex
Hey, actually I was thinking about how you said that being anorexic/pregnant/etc was 'unique'... but it's not, isn't it? It's very average (at least for a fictionpress character).
I would call Marcey a bitch, but she's too stupid to be one. Why is it that all of the fictional Marcey/Marcys that I know are annoying? Marcy from Peanuts (by Charles Schultz). Marcy from that story by BlackObsidian(I think). Marcey from this story! Hmm...I think I will settle with 'Bitch-pup in training'.
You have a lot of juicy pieces of writing/sentences or whatnot that I want to copy and print and quote, so that I can sound witty/articulate too! Except people will notice, because I'm not. :( A juicy bit I liked: (not necessarily b/c the writing was poetic or anything, but b/c it was so smooth and the expressions were so fresh and original)
"She always had to say negative things about people she didn’t know. It was like a twitch for her."(There were more, but I can't remember right now. :( )
Your writing style is also realistic and perfect for first person. It always puzzles me. (In some stories) Why the hell does the main female character spend ten minutes looking at herself in the mirror and soliloquizing about the size of her breasts? (not too big, not too small). Or the exact color of her eyes? (a cross between stormy ocean gray and autumn sky blue). Though some information about how Elise looks might be nice, I'm glad you don't over-describe. Your writing, on the whole is neat. Simple doesn't seem to fit, somehow. If I were to point to any object, as a physical [UGH! I suddenly forgot the right word for this! Please, please, PLEASE if you think of it, please put it on your author's profile of me. Oh wait. I just remembered. MANIFESTATION. Sorry 'bout the caps. I'm just elated, tha's all.] of your writing, I'd point to a box wrapped in pretty paper, and tied with a neat little bow. I know, it's weird.
Also, the dialogue = wonderful! The way Jesse talks, and the way Elise talks. I can actually tell the difference. I'm not being sarcastic or anything, I'm perfectly serious. There are some stories where the supposedly hot guy sounds like a sexually depraved thirteen year-old girl (maybe because the narrator IS), and everyone knows that inarticulacy is a huge turnoff. Maybe that was a bit cruel. Do you not like me complimenting your writing by comparing it to horrible pieces of writing? If it's offensive I'll stop.
Any criticisms? Hmm. 1. There are a few typos...Nothing to get hiffy about though. I know, hiffy isn't a word. Huffy didn't seem to fit though. HowEVER! I don't understand this- Quote: "It was so fitting how just cigarette but could destroy something that used to be so pure."Fix?2. Marcey still hasn't been killed by a random alien. Hmph!
I'd apologize for the long review, (because actually I am a bit sorry) but I figure that's silly because you're such a good writer, you're bound to love reading as well! I wrote this while reading Chapter 4, like taking notes, kinda. That's why it's long and a bit rambly.
Last note:Elise should blackmail! A 49? That's ridiculous. And Jared... how dare he call her 'that Elise girl'?
Hey, actually I was thinking about how you said that being anorexic/pregnant/etc was 'unique'... but it's not, isn't it? It's very average (at least for a fictionpress character).
I would call Marcey a bitch, but she's too stupid to be one. Why is it that all of the fictional Marcey/Marcys that I know are annoying? Marcy from Peanuts (by Charles Schultz). Marcy from that story by BlackObsidian(I think). Marcey from this story! Hmm...I think I will settle with 'Bitch-pup in training'.
You have a lot of juicy pieces of writing/sentences or whatnot that I want to copy and print and quote, so that I can sound witty/articulate too! Except people will notice, because I'm not. :( A juicy bit I liked: (not necessarily b/c the writing was poetic or anything, but b/c it was so smooth and the expressions were so fresh and original)
"She always had to say negative things about people she didn’t know. It was like a twitch for her."(There were more, but I can't remember right now. :( )
Your writing style is also realistic and perfect for first person. It always puzzles me. (In some stories) Why the hell does the main female character spend ten minutes looking at herself in the mirror and soliloquizing about the size of her breasts? (not too big, not too small). Or the exact color of her eyes? (a cross between stormy ocean gray and autumn sky blue). Though some information about how Elise looks might be nice, I'm glad you don't over-describe. Your writing, on the whole is neat. Simple doesn't seem to fit, somehow. If I were to point to any object, as a physical [UGH! I suddenly forgot the right word for this! Please, please, PLEASE if you think of it, please put it on your author's profile of me. Oh wait. I just remembered. MANIFESTATION. Sorry 'bout the caps. I'm just elated, tha's all.] of your writing, I'd point to a box wrapped in pretty paper, and tied with a neat little bow. I know, it's weird.
Also, the dialogue = wonderful! The way Jesse talks, and the way Elise talks. I can actually tell the difference. I'm not being sarcastic or anything, I'm perfectly serious. There are some stories where the supposedly hot guy sounds like a sexually depraved thirteen year-old girl (maybe because the narrator IS), and everyone knows that inarticulacy is a huge turnoff. Maybe that was a bit cruel. Do you not like me complimenting your writing by comparing it to horrible pieces of writing? If it's offensive I'll stop.
Any criticisms? Hmm. 1. There are a few typos...Nothing to get hiffy about though. I know, hiffy isn't a word. Huffy didn't seem to fit though. HowEVER! I don't understand this- Quote: "It was so fitting how just cigarette but could destroy something that used to be so pure."Fix?2. Marcey still hasn't been killed by a random alien. Hmph!
I'd apologize for the long review, (because actually I am a bit sorry) but I figure that's silly because you're such a good writer, you're bound to love reading as well! I wrote this while reading Chapter 4, like taking notes, kinda. That's why it's long and a bit rambly.
Last note:Elise should blackmail! A 49? That's ridiculous. And Jared... how dare he call her 'that Elise girl'?
2/10/2005 c3 scissor sex
I've said it before, and I'm saying it again- I love the tension(hmm...not exactly the most fitting word but eh!) between the 'average' that Elise keeps on emphasizing about herself, and the 'unique' that she really is. I'm serious. I love her character, but that has nothing to do with how I think she's unique. She doesn't go around shouting that she's unique (unlike half the 'unique' female characters in fictionpress).
Wow. I used the word 'unique' so much it has lost its meaning.
Also, she is very witty, though that word hasn't appeared once in the entire story so far. I hate stories (*cough* not mentioning any names) where the narrator (the writer) spends one or two paragraphs rambling about how witty and clever and smart and unique the main character is, but the main character's conversation skills fail to support the narrator's claims.
I already mentioned that I loved Elise. Obviously she's the type that's afraid of approaching a table filled with people she doesn't know (with the exception of Spencer). This could be translated as 'inconsistency' (as an 'average' girl she's not exactly supposed to be outgoing) but in the context here it's actually very fitting.
I also love Brandy. Not for her own sake, but simply because she's so alive and realistic. The same goes for Marcey and Carolyn, except I don't love them. I hate them actually. It's amazing how much you can make me hate them, with a few sentences. I want to rip their throats out. However Elise seems pretty calm and accepting about it.
If I have any wishes it's that Marcey's face is disfigured through a tragic accident involving fire and Patrick, and that Patrick and Derek both desert Carolyn and Marcey because they want to be part of a threesome with Elise but Elise (because she's average) rejects them because she would never date the ex of her loser friends. Okay, I'm being a bit drastic there but it's a good demonstration of my Hate.
I've said it before, and I'm saying it again- I love the tension(hmm...not exactly the most fitting word but eh!) between the 'average' that Elise keeps on emphasizing about herself, and the 'unique' that she really is. I'm serious. I love her character, but that has nothing to do with how I think she's unique. She doesn't go around shouting that she's unique (unlike half the 'unique' female characters in fictionpress).
Wow. I used the word 'unique' so much it has lost its meaning.
Also, she is very witty, though that word hasn't appeared once in the entire story so far. I hate stories (*cough* not mentioning any names) where the narrator (the writer) spends one or two paragraphs rambling about how witty and clever and smart and unique the main character is, but the main character's conversation skills fail to support the narrator's claims.
I already mentioned that I loved Elise. Obviously she's the type that's afraid of approaching a table filled with people she doesn't know (with the exception of Spencer). This could be translated as 'inconsistency' (as an 'average' girl she's not exactly supposed to be outgoing) but in the context here it's actually very fitting.
I also love Brandy. Not for her own sake, but simply because she's so alive and realistic. The same goes for Marcey and Carolyn, except I don't love them. I hate them actually. It's amazing how much you can make me hate them, with a few sentences. I want to rip their throats out. However Elise seems pretty calm and accepting about it.
If I have any wishes it's that Marcey's face is disfigured through a tragic accident involving fire and Patrick, and that Patrick and Derek both desert Carolyn and Marcey because they want to be part of a threesome with Elise but Elise (because she's average) rejects them because she would never date the ex of her loser friends. Okay, I'm being a bit drastic there but it's a good demonstration of my Hate.
2/10/2005 c2 scissor sex
Maybe it's just because it's at night and I had too much chocolate and chewing gum (though there isn't really any conclusive proof that chocolate and chewing gum improve ones mood) but I couldn't stop laughing!
You have a kind of laid-back, apathetic sort of humor. It's a personal preference kind of thing, I guess, but this is my favorite kind of humor (in movies, books, anything) Similar to the main character (Hannah) from D e a d F i s h's story. Hey, that makes it average! (Um, no, it doesn't. See my pathetic attempt at trying to be clever)
The best thing about your story is that the main character is constantly emphasizing their non-uniqueness, and 'average-ness', but in reality, they're actually quite the opposite. (Their sense of humor, for example)
The whole story: a VERY clever idea.
It's only the second chapter, but already I can SEE Spencer- with his rodent-like face.
*Story added to my favorites.
Maybe it's just because it's at night and I had too much chocolate and chewing gum (though there isn't really any conclusive proof that chocolate and chewing gum improve ones mood) but I couldn't stop laughing!
You have a kind of laid-back, apathetic sort of humor. It's a personal preference kind of thing, I guess, but this is my favorite kind of humor (in movies, books, anything) Similar to the main character (Hannah) from D e a d F i s h's story. Hey, that makes it average! (Um, no, it doesn't. See my pathetic attempt at trying to be clever)
The best thing about your story is that the main character is constantly emphasizing their non-uniqueness, and 'average-ness', but in reality, they're actually quite the opposite. (Their sense of humor, for example)
The whole story: a VERY clever idea.
It's only the second chapter, but already I can SEE Spencer- with his rodent-like face.
*Story added to my favorites.