for Bodies8/6/2008 c2 
2LunarTranquility
Very interesting story so far! Really pulls the readers in, can't wait for the next chapter!
Keep up the great work!
"He unlocked his truck and quickly jumped inside. He started the car and zoomed down the highway to get to the set of condos along the shore. He had to be ready for tonight, when he went to the clubs to nab another girl; maybe even two. Either way, he rushed home to his condo, carefully avoiding the police that sat lazily on the side of the road."
Sorry to critique, but it seems like you use the word 'he' to start a lot of the sentences... maybe alternate between that and 'James' or 'Mr. White' a little more? Otherwise, it seems perfect to me.
2LunarTranquilityVery interesting story so far! Really pulls the readers in, can't wait for the next chapter!
Keep up the great work!
"He unlocked his truck and quickly jumped inside. He started the car and zoomed down the highway to get to the set of condos along the shore. He had to be ready for tonight, when he went to the clubs to nab another girl; maybe even two. Either way, he rushed home to his condo, carefully avoiding the police that sat lazily on the side of the road."
Sorry to critique, but it seems like you use the word 'he' to start a lot of the sentences... maybe alternate between that and 'James' or 'Mr. White' a little more? Otherwise, it seems perfect to me.
4/1/2005 c2 3Pont
Creepy! You know, when I first heard that lady say 'mr. white' I couldn't help but think of clue. I love that game. I'm always Ms. White :P
"Demon stuck his head out of the open window and sneezed every now and then when too much are went up his nose" You might want to change 'are' to 'air'
Otherwise, awesome chappie! Very freaky story (what a psychopath!) and I'm half looking forward to finding out what happens to those poor girls. Yieek.
~Pont
3PontCreepy! You know, when I first heard that lady say 'mr. white' I couldn't help but think of clue. I love that game. I'm always Ms. White :P
"Demon stuck his head out of the open window and sneezed every now and then when too much are went up his nose" You might want to change 'are' to 'air'
Otherwise, awesome chappie! Very freaky story (what a psychopath!) and I'm half looking forward to finding out what happens to those poor girls. Yieek.
~Pont
4/1/2005 c1 Pont
Dang. Never kills the same way twice? He must have one heck of an imagination.
Creepy. This has a lot of promise. Very, =very= creepy. The dialogue really does wonders for this prologue. Can't wait to read ch.2!
~Pont
Dang. Never kills the same way twice? He must have one heck of an imagination.
Creepy. This has a lot of promise. Very, =very= creepy. The dialogue really does wonders for this prologue. Can't wait to read ch.2!
~Pont
2/7/2005 c1 Yesterday Again
Damn skippy, this is interesting. I love the beginning, it really draws the reader in. But he never kills the same way twice? That's odd... but it makes for great fiction.
Damn skippy, this is interesting. I love the beginning, it really draws the reader in. But he never kills the same way twice? That's odd... but it makes for great fiction.